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*Warning, SH, Panic Attack, and Addiction*

   My arms encased my knees. Air heaved in and out of my lungs, as more and more heart-filled tears fell to the floor. The love of my life had just walked away as though I meant nothing to him. I wanted to scream so loud that my neighbors could hear. 

   My lungs ached as I craved his touch. I needed him. My body was limp with no will to keep living left in my body. I ran the tips of my fingers down one of my arms, trying to comfort myself.  I lifted my head and glanced around the room. A half-empty bottle of wine was sitting next to me, it was nearly full a few hours ago. My bed was covered in empty plastic water bottles and clothes. I slammed my bedroom door open the night before I climbed into bed, and I could see the broken vase from where I was sitting. I remembered how the vase broke just like a shattered heart. 

   I reached over and took a sip from the bottle of wine feeling dizzy. I stopped crying and I suddenly felt nothing more than numbness. Getting up from the floor I walked out to my patio, grabbing a pack of cigarettes on the way out of my bedroom. The air was cold, the sky a dark blue.

   Dragging a light cigarette to my lips I sighed. I ignored every little red flag that entire relationship, I was so tired and done with guys screwing me over. My phone rang in my pocket and I put it to my ear after answering the call without looking to see who it was.

"Listen, I got some tea to tell you, honey." The second I heard that voice I knew who it was.

"Not right now Alizaha" I took the cigarette out of my mouth, putting it out on my arm. I flinched a little but after a few seconds, the only reminder was the red mark on my skin.

"What's wrong, spill" Her voice was like a light in a very, very dark void, 

"Tell me everything, I'm here for you hon." I could hear the smile in her voice and it pissed me off, how could someone be so happy at a time like this. I understood that I hadn't even told her what was wrong yet, but I felt like she should already know.

"GOD ALI, YOU'RE SO IMMATURE! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SPEAK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON AND STOP USING ALL THAT SLANG, ESPECIALLY IN SERIOUS SITUATIONS." I started sobbing, and I heard her crying on the other end of the call. 

"I broke up with him," I whispered so quietly, my voice cracking as tears flew down my face.

"It's okay, it'll be okay" That's the last thing I remember Ali saying before she hung up, I felt bad for blowing up on her. I hope I didn't hurt her feelings too much...

I was inside on my couch now. The air felt way too heavy as I heaved it in and out of my lungs. Cold air enters my body, turning warm as I exhale. My skin feels prickly, and I can feel every small stitch of fabric on my socks, itching my toes. My heart beats fast and I can feel it beating against my ribs, sending a feeling of anxiety all over my body. I want to kick and scream but I can't, if someone was to hear me they'd think I had problems. Maybe I do have problems, why the fuck is it anyone else's business.

   The room is too quiet and I can hear every singular drip drop that comes out of the sink in the other room. The lights are too bright, even at the lowest setting, they could be. I turn the lights off and put music on my tv. 

  I speed walk around the room, shaking my hands to gain some control. I walk fast as the feeling of frustration grows larger in seconds. My hair is too long as it tickles the back of my neck. I gripped handfuls of my hair and tugged on them harshly. 

   I had an overwhelming sense of not belonging. I think back on everything I've ever done wrong, from the simple misunderstanding of what someone said, to saying something in anger I didn't mean to say. Tears ran down my cheeks as I told myself how bad of a person I was and why I didn't deserve anything.

My stomach growled and turned, I felt sick like I might just puke. I tried to steady my breathing, but it made everything worse. I could feel my eyes puff up, turning red from the sad pathetic tears I could feel drying on my cheeks.

Pathetic

Pathetic

Pathetic

Pathetic

Pathetic

Pathetic

Pathetic

Pathetic

Pathetic

Pathetic

Pathetic

Pathetic

That one word kept repeating in my head in a voice that didn't seem like my own. Over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. I squeezed my fists so tight there were crescent moon indents in my hands from my nails.

The urge to scream got bigger and bigger and I felt there was no way to stop myself anymore.

I let it all out, I screamed until there was no ounce of scream left in me, my throat ached as I screamed louder than ever before.

Silently Pathetic

-Vellen Colageo

✩  891 words, thank you for reading <3