(Dereks POV)
⚠️mentions of suicide and suicide itself. Mentions of self harm and mental illnesses.⚠️ and if you or a loved one are going through a hard time, trust me you are not a alone! And your not being a attention whore or drama queen for getting help. There are people you can go to if you don't feel safe or able to go to a Guardian or friend or someone in your life. I've been there. Your not alone.
741741 is a Anonymous texting hotline
(800) 273-8255 is a Anonymous calling helpline and also a veteran crisis hotline.
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I don't know how to describe that night. Or the next, or the next. The night stiles killed himself was.... I don't even know... gross? I know that sounds stupid but I wanted to vomit, I still wanna throw up. I feel... dead. So dead. All I can do is feel numb and cry, I haven't been able to stop crying. It won't stop. I keep remembering his face. His gorgeous face, but purely lifeless eyes. His skin paler then before. I just want him to be next to me. So bad! I just want him to yawn cuz he forgot how to breathe. I just need to feel his skin. His amazing skin. FUCK!!! The funeral... Jesus! Everyone was crying. So many condolences.. AND WHO INVITED JACKSON?! Stiles hates Jackson... hated Jackson. Before everyone left we were all handed VHS tapes. Mine was titled '💕to my sour-wolf💕' when I got home I slid into my bed... it still smelt like him... I looked over at the tv. What was he planning? I picked up the pillow he had the most contact with and walked over to the tv. I pushed in the VHS tape and I saw his face. I started bawling again.. He wasn't crying on the screen he was smiling. He was happy. "Hey, sour-wolf!!!" He giggled, I squeezed his pillow harder "hey". I'd honestly never seen someone so handsome. He was my good boy. He was. "I hope you aren't crying like a little bitch while you watch this!" He laughed, I wish I had the stomach to laugh. "I guess, if your seeing this. I'm dead... which is weird to say... and I'm assuming I left... on my own terms, You know?" I shook my head yes "I must seem a little... forward. But I'm actually planning on asking you out tonight so...ether you said no, I dead, and don't have to care about embarrassing myself. Or you said yes, I dead, and this helps you get some closure." This was made 8 months ago. Oh my god... how long was he planning this? I bit down on his pillow to silence my loud sobs "I'm nervous about asking you out... I can't tell you how long I've had this crush on you. I even had it while I was with Lydia and Malia. God... I feel like a teenage girl!" He giggled "anyway... I got side tracked. Im making this to help you, I guess..." i looked into his eyes and saw a little tear slide down his cheek. "This is for if we ended up together so if we didn't pull out this tape. But if we were dating. I-I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." He mumbled as he started to cry "No baby! Don't cry! Please!" I started to hyperventilate "I don't expect you to f-forgive me der! But I love you so much! I'd never hurt you intentionally, I swear! I just... please! Don't hate me." I shook my head violently "I love you too, I know you never would! I don't hate you! Don't cry!" I wanna touch him so bad. "I'm sorry... I need to calm down... Jesus... I wanna kiss you. Sometimes I swear... it's like your lips are beggin me too! tho it might just be me being a creep... okay now to do the whole closure thing." He swallowed hard "I want you too know this isn't your fault. This was bound to happen. I love you... it's not your fault I was sad, it's not your fault I relapsed, it's not you fault it all declined, and it's certainly not your fault I killed my self." I laid down, my eyes got heavy. If I just listen to his beautiful voice I'll pass out. I paused the video and smiled. This was a bad idea but I can't do this. The only human being that I needed, that I loved, that made me feel whole. Is dead. I need to be with him. I stood up and grabbed a bottle of Tylenol. 86 left. I opened it up. Put it up to my mouth and swallowed every single one. I laid back down, and unpaused the video. His voice is so soothing. "Your gonna be Just fine without me. You were before we met so... your gonna do good." He mumbled. No I wouldn't be. But I'll be with him soon to tell him that. His voice calmed me as the world started to spin "you kept me here for longer Derek... your the reason I made it so long! And I'm so grateful for that." That's when my eyes slammed shut. I'll say your welcome once I see him... I will.
