Hey. It's been a while since I posted anything on here. In fact, I didn't really feel like posting anything on here. In fact, there's something I need to discuss. I don't know if there's anyone on here who would actually care to even read this, besides a few people I know. I've been depressive lately, and I feel isolated and trapped. I feel pretty empty, and there's not much of a spark in me to keep up. I've been feeling down when I was at school and felt alone. Most of the time, I feel like I don't belong with the people on this earth that can do some of the great things I can't. First off, I am a 19-year-old born with autism, and I had no idea about it until I was in 9th grade. It made question me what am I and what am I able to do because of it. In my mind, I think being autistic makes me dumb, and being dumb, I make dumb mistakes and it would result in people getting mad at me and looking at me like I was unreliable, especially when all I wanted to do was help. I hate being autistic, tho the only thing I'm grateful about it is that it was able to keep me in my elementary school when the district tried to kick me out. That's it. Noting else. I hate it. More importantly, I hate myself. Why? Because I hate the person I am, the way I look, the way I behaved. I feel like an idiotic child, despite my age. I weigh past 200 pounds, and I eat when bored or sad. I also have a childish anger issue. I've been bullied a lot when I was in elementary, and since then, I grew to hate people. I even took this same anger out on people in middle school and high school. Not once have I ever gotten into an actual fist fight. So, holding all that anger in me, if I were to fight someone right now, that person would probably be on life support or in a coma. And the weird thing is, despite hatred towards people, I actually want to hang out with people, have tons of friends, and have actual fun on random days, but because I'm anti-social, it forces me to stay away from people, because I never like to be bothered with people anyway. And also, I'm a weird person, quiet and unable to hold a conversation long, or even more than two words. I get pretty lonely because everyone seems to have fun with each other, I'm always by myself, just walking with no one to talk to. It makes me feel isolated and makes me think I don't belong. What's worst is that because I'm weird, not many people wanted me around. Especially girls. I'm single, and I only dated once, physically. since then, I've never had another girlfriend. I don't like dating on here anymore because it's not enough and stuff like long-distance relationships is just not gonna work for me. I wanted a real-life relationship where a girl can love me for me. Problem is, no girl will look my way or even want to look my way. It pisses me off because of the type of men date, and it even confuses me because they stick in the same field as these men. It's becoming to a point where I don't think any girl would want me. I mean, I don't blame them. Who would want someone like me? I also have more to discuss, but rn, I'm tired, so I will talk more eventually.
