SCRIPTURIENT REVIEWS | OPEN

❄️ THE KINGMAKER | VICTORIA ❄️

Reviewed by: CroodsGirl

Book Title: The Kingmaker

Author: 

Title: 3/5

​I don't like to judge people on titles, since a title is the author's choice, so I won't be harsh at all. I will say that the title does not give us a good idea about what the story is going to be about, which is fine, but I almost think you can add something like The Kingmaker and the... That will give the audience a better understanding of what they're diving into. Then again, you do not have to change the title at all if you're satisfied by it. I just think it needs a little more in order to grab more readers' attention.

Cover: 5/5

​You've changed the cover of your book, which, I think, looks much better than the last cover. I love the inclusion of the sword in the background, the colors used, and how the whole cover looks very old and medieval-like. Putting "King" and "Maker" on two different lines was a very good idea (I've done this, too). Compared to the last cover, this one is a lot better!

Blurb: 5/10

​The blurb is a little short and can be improved. They usually run between 100-200 words. Try to include more information about where the story takes place, dig deeper into the conflict, as well as the main character. A blurb shouldn't tell us a lot, but it also shouldn't be too short, and yours is. What I'm seeing is more of a logline, rather than a full-blown blurb. Think to yourself about the main character, where they live, and what happens that sets them off on an adventure. That will benefit you greatly here.

Plot: 6/10

​Do you know what world-building is? It's how a world in a story works, such as the laws, royal family, etc. There are two types: hard world-building a soft world-building. Hard world-building, which is what I think you're going for, include concrete rules (such as how the government system works in your story) and a sense of realism (the consequences of not following the rules). On the other hand, soft world-building has a little more fluff to it, meaning that the author does not tell everything about how the world works. It's more interactive and falls on the shoulders of the reader, who has to guess how the world works. World-building is crucial when it comes to the plot of a story. I'm happy to say that even though you do "tell" more rather than "show", your world-building is pretty impressive. It's so much fun to follow Tetsuya on his journey under such an intense legal system. We really get to know the world, but that's about it.

The plot can benefit from being sped up a little and the main conflict introduced sooner, preferably in the first or second chapter). My advice for you is to study Freytag's Pyramid. It tells you how a story should be conducted. I'll attach a link to one here: . Basically, introduce us to the world early and then move into the inciting incident, which is what sets the character off on their journey. From there, the plot really kicks into action and moves at a better pace. I see multiple conflicts in this story, but I do not yet have a clear understanding of what the main conflict is. If I know it sooner, then perhaps I will find myself drawn into the story more. However, from what I see, your plot is off to a great start! It just needs a few knick-knacks here and there.

Grammar: 13/20

​You have a recurring issue that you make with your book's grammar, and that's you switch the tenses constantly—back and forth from past and present, present to past. Please do not be alarmed. This is a very common issue with new writers. Since they're still trying to find their voice, they may constantly switch between tenses in order to discover what works best for them. You also tend to change your point of view, from third person (he/she) and second person (you/yours). Again, this is a very common issue with new writers. From reading the book, I believe present tense and third person point of view works best, especially since you have such a wide-range of characters that all need developing. You take us back in the past to explain how the world works (world-building), but most of the story is written in the present. Another grammar issue I noticed were commas placed in wrong places (they caused some fragments). But, for your first book, your grammar is a lot better than what I've seen with other new writers, so kudos!

Writing Craft: 16/20

​Let me give you a quick lesson with writer's craft vs. writing style, since a lot of people mess these two up. Writing style is how a book is written. Writing craft are the elements that make a book understandable and readable, such as dialogue, setting, and figurative language. One thing I noticed in terms of writing craft is that you have a habit of "telling" rather than "showing". Like what I mentioned above, this is another issue that is common with new writers. It's another way of saying that you sometimes get carried away with descriptions. Sure, you want to paint a picture in your reader's head, but you do not want to toss too much paint on them, if you get my gist—just enough so that the reader can wash it off.

You can easily show us some of these descriptions of these places through character actions. For example, in Chapter 2: Nothing But A Dust (should be Nothing but a Dust): perhaps "Tetsuya rests his hand on one of the vividly-colored flowers in the room. It's the one that stands out the most—bright blue, just like his eyes". This is just an example, but do you see how I broke up the description by showing it through the sense of touch? That's what you want to do when it comes to improving some of your winding descriptions. The telling aspect is the main critique I have for you; everything with your writer's craft (dialogue and setting, for example) is wonderful.

Characters: 12/20

​I feel that some of these characters are a little too formal, meaning that at times, they do not feel like real human beings. It feels as though I'm trapped in their clenched fist during each chapter, with no way of getting out. This is another way of saying to give them different voices. It's up to the writer to distinguish characters from each other through their actions and dialogue (overall, their personality). I did not see too much character development in the first few chapters, which is okay, since it is relatively early into the story, but I would at least like to see a little more variety. Perhaps somebody suffers from insomnia and it makes them agitated all day; perhaps somebody is sad all the time due to a devastating loss, ya-da, ya-da. My suggestion for you here is to go people watching. Take some time out of your day to go to a place where a lot of people gather and just watch them. Trust me, you will see so many different personalities. Take some of those personalities and include them in the story. It's always fun when a book has a sense of reality to it. It lets the reader know that these characters are also human.

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10

​Overall, this is a wonderful attempt for your first story! You clearly understand the basics of how writing a story works, so try to dive deeper into the more advanced stages of the craft, such as studying world-building and Freytag's Pyramid. They're for more advanced writers. Remember to people watch to help with your characters and perhaps even read up on strategies with the "show" don't "tell" rule, since it is such a common issue. Take out a few of the long, winding descriptions and replace them through character actions. Writing is a process, and that's why it's just as powerful as a supernova. Looking at your writing style, I'm assuming that you're a pretty patient person. Therefore, this is a great hobby for you to have. I had a lot of fun with this story, and I cannot wait to see it improved! Good luck!

Total: 67/100