END OF THE BEGINNING

1. Wrecking Ball

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you"

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Ishan stared out at the night. His back against the cold metallic grills of the balcony. His thighs tucked inside his chest, his slender arms wounded around them, in an attempt to save himself from the freezing December cold. 

Shubman has always loved how small and slim Ishan looked. Even when they were young, and before Shubman's growth spurt, Ishan has always been considerably small for his age. Well his weak immune system and his mother's overall short build explains it all. And even during their High school, Ishan would scream his ears off in embarrassment when he would carry him and drop him like he weighted nothing. Life was good. Back then life was good despite all the teenage confusion, career tension, volatile friendships, changing relationship dynamics. People that surrounded them back then were somehow less fake. 

"You know..." Ishan's quiet voice and ragged breaths broke the heavy silence between the two. His voice chocked as he tried to speak more.

The two of them have been seated here in the balcony of the 7th floor flat for sometime now. But this was the first time, one of them spoke. The balcony, decorated with fairy lights, the wall adorned with snaps of the two was dark today. Though that didn't matter because the street ahead was adorned with lights for Christmas Eve. Their faces were still very visible to each other, much to Ishan's dismay. The place that has been the witness of their unadulterated love for each other, the place that has been a safe haven for them on days they felt low, the place which holds uncountable memories of the two singing, having a heartfelt conversations over a cup of steaming coffee ; somehow failed to provide him the feeling of safety and protection today.

Shubman's head snapped in his direction. Feeling anxious and scared at the same time. Though himself not in a proper state of mind to think something rationally, he still wanted to listen. Listen from his Ish. The silence that lingered around them made him sick to the stomach.

"I can't look at your face. I can't-" Ishan added with a sob.

Ishan thrusted his face between his knees and cleaned the tears and sputum as he rubbed his face sideways in his T-shirt clad arms. 

He tried again "Whenever I try to look at you, I am reminded of it. I seem to see it, see you doing...Every time! Every single time."

Neither of them needed clarity on 'it'. 

"I am tired Shubman. I can't seem to understand anything. Everything seems meaningless." Ishan muttered in a broken tone.

A strong urge to cry erupted in both of their hearts. The only difference, Shubman fought back the urge and swallowed forcefully while Ishan didn't even attempt to stop it. Shubman was devastated. He knew he was wrong. He knew he has hurt his Ish. Hurt him to a point, from where there's no coming back.

Composing himself a little he again spoke ; his voice raspy from all the crying "You know Shub, to me you're it. The moment you shooed away the bullies at school that day and gave me back my diary after taping it, I was gone. I knew that this popular boy with bat had my heart. You're the only person I've ever been in love with."

Shubman remembers it too. Of course he does. An early April day, when a slim boy entered the classroom of 9-B with a heavy bag full of books and a storybook in his hand. A boy who looked a misfit in every way. Shirt sleeves not folded, hairs not spiked-rather done in a neat manner, eyes not mischievous -rather focused and what looked like melancholic. Shubman, tried to engage the weird newbie in some small talks, but he not get a great response. As the classes started, he noticed how the boy would take notes of the lessons in a concentrated manner. So, he came to the conclusion that the new guy at school was a snobbish topper, well very much unlike him. Later, that day as Shubman got home, he was stunned at the revelation his mother made. His mother, Keart Gill, the gymnastics trainer of the same school told him how the new boy called Ishan Kishan was an excellent student, but a scrape goat to destiny. Ishan's father was martyred for the county recently at a terrorist attack in Kashmir, which led to his shifting to Bangalore, his mom's native place from Srinagar - his 'home sweet home' for 13 years. Mrs Kishan, was a childhood friend of Miss Gill , a reason why Rohan was admitted to the same school where she worked-to assure the boy's safety in the new city. Shubman Gill, the charmer of the batch couldn't befriend him even after a week's time. But like they always say, that people who are meant to be in your life, always come; in the most unexpected ways at times. Similarly, one afternoon he noticed how some boys snatched the black colored diary from him and tore it in process which earned them a tongue lashing from Ishan. Seeing things going out of hands, Shubman stepped in to stop the argument. Afraid, someone might hurt the boy. A sudden need to protect this boy erupted in him. Shooing away the bullies, he dragged the boy to the art and craft room and presented to him the now yellow diary , which had black parts showing in the middle. He messily taped the diary with a yellow tape which made it look funny and passed it to him with a smile. This gesture of his earned him a small smile along with a thank you from Ishan. Now Shubman being Shubman asked him something in return , which when asked to him was replied with "Be my friend and the ever handsome, dashing Shubman Gill accepts your gratitude". The cheeky comment earned him a full blown smile from the shorter boy for the very first time and a friendship which he cherishes till day. What followed next was them being best friends and finally them being lovers. All in a span of 15 years.

Shubman wanted to scream and claim that it was the same for him too. The moment they met, the boy intrigued his interest. He has been all over his mind and heart since then. Speaking of heart, it was a different topic all together. His heart was never really his anymore for the last 15 years. It was lost somewhere in the alleys of the complicated town called love. 

"Apart from my mom, you're the only one I ever cared for. You're my one and only. My first and my last. I can't even understand why you would feel the need to be with someone else. The thought makes me question my love for you. Did I lack somewhere? 

"And you know the funniest part? I still want you. I... My heart still wants to love you. But I don't want to anymore. Starting from the day you told me about it, you disgust my senses but at the same time I seem to hallucinate your skin against mine, the feeling of your lips on mine, your smell..... your presence. Why? I don't want to love you anymore. But I don't know how to unlove you. Why do I still want you, when you have cheated on me? Why do I feel your touch when you have given my right to someone else? Am I turning mad? Maybe I am. " he added with a ghostly smile on his face. 

"Ishan, babe listen to me.." Shubman tried as he moved a little forward to touch his lover's cold hands, which flinched away sensing his touch leaving him stupefied.

"No.. don't. Dare you try to justify your actions Shubman. You cheated on me, lied to me, betrayed me. Practically made my life a lie. Made a mockery of all the trust, belief and devotion I put in loving you. Why? Because Ishan Kishan is still the same weirdo whom you can't call your boyfriend in public. Why? Because Shubman Gill has an image to maintain for his friends and fans."

"And his boyfriend? Well he is a pathetic dumbass who still loves him. Despite his boyfriend being an absolute asshole, he still loves him." He further added with eyes full of unshed tears and a humorless chuckle.

By the end of it, both of them were full on sobbing. Shubman's arms itched to wrap against that of Ishan's petite frame and Ishan couldn't remember of the last time they've cried without them being wrapped into one another. The confessions Ishan made, bought a chill down Shubman's spine. He could see the man in front of him breaking. Breaking to such an extent, which no adhesive could fix. And he felt utterly disgusted about his own self-about his existence.

"Baby listen to me once. I will do anything to correct my mistake. Just tell me once what can I do to get it back, get you back.. get us back together. I will fix everything. Just tell me. I am ready to..."

"Don't. You don't get to say that after ruining everything we had. And guess what you can't fix anything because you're the one who broke it in the first place. You can't." Ishan shouted with a tear stricken face and raspy voice.

Wiping his face with his palms, Ishan stormed outside. Shubman followed him sprinting meanwhile stumbling across the furniture. As he reached the drawing room, he saw Rohan picking up his car keys from the basket. Horrified, Shubman ran to him and tried to snatch the keys from him.

"Its very late in the night. Why are you taking your car keys? What is the matter? Its cold outside. No midnight Ice creams. I will take you to Baskin Robbins tomorrow and we'll have your favourite Chocochip flavour. I won't crib this time." At this point, Shubman was blabbering and he knew that. But he could care less! His heart lurched in fear at the thought of Ishan leaving him.

Snatching his wrist from Shubman's hold, Ishan stared at him and spoke in a eerie voice "We need to end this Shubman. It can't always go around like this. "

"What - What do you mean?"

"I am leaving Shubman. I will send someone to get my stuff tomorrow morning."

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Author's Note

Given the super dramatic person I am, this is something I have written out of my misery. Contains heavy angst. Updates will be a little irregular initially for both the books, eventually I will pick the pace. Please let me know how you feel about this, even be it a line. Your reviews would mean a lot. Till next time, happy reading. Love y'all.