Dear DZ

Takes place in the Land of Ishness, a world created by Tiktok creator @ishness. Except Candace, all characters mentioned by name are his creations.

Hey, DZ.

I know you've been hurting lately, but I just wanted to, you know... check in. And see how you're doing. Other than... bad. I mean obviously, you're not doing good, or I'd have seen you in the past few days. Someone would have seen you, anyway.

I  hope you're OK. Maybe we can convince Host to take us out sometime soon? I can dance and maybe even do some karaoke, and you can do, uh, your stuff? Let me know when you're ready for a night out. Drinks are on me. Well, probably Host, but still. Let's go! Wherever you want. I'll even help you play pranks on Munk if that would cheer you up.

***

I saw Host again today! She asked about you. Which I guess means she hasn't seen you in a while, either. I thought maybe you'd snuck out and visited her or something. She misses you.

I miss you.

***

Guess what? I found some lilacs in the woods behind our house today! Purple and fuchsia and white and pink. I don't think they were there last year... pretty sure I'd remember seeing that much color in our little forest. Did you plant them?

...that's a silly question, I'm sorry, of course you didn't. It was probably me and I just can't remember. Dumb.

I'm sorry.

Come back? I promise I'll think before speaking. I'll be better. I know it annoys you when I say stupid stuff. I'll do whatever you need to feel comfortable enough to come back. I'll even do all the dishes. Every day. For a week. Two weeks? A month?

***

I went to Demeter this morning because... well, because she usually knows what to do. She was really sad when I told her I hadn't seen you in a couple months. Her mouth got all tight. And her eyebrows scrunched up and inward. I know she wanted to cry... but she didn't want to cry in front of me.

Sometimes I wish people would realize that just because I have a protector, it doesn't mean I can't handle anything at all. I can handle some stuff. Especially if it means I'm helping a friend.

Anyway, Demeter said you'd be back when you were ready. But, DZ... I'm ready for you to come back now.

DZ? I know your heart hurts. Really bad. And... I know it's Candace that hurt you.

Stop. It. Now.

DZ? Are you there?

Hello???

***

Hi, again. I couldn't go to bed without trying again, since you actually showed up finally. You can't hide now, ha ha.

But for real... did you not think I knew about Candace???

Of course I knew. Didn't you think I'd realize how often that same face floated across our mind? How even after I came back, I could still smell her perfume on our coat, feel her lips on our cheek? Sometimes I'd return so soon after your goodbyes, I could still feel her name in our mouth.

I know you can hide bad feelings from me, but... I'm not sure you can hide the good ones. I don't think that's how it works.

You may be able to trick everyone else into thinking you're "just" a protector, "just" a shadow. "Just" a lover. But I know you. I know you're more than that. I can feel your hurt too, you know, it's not a one-way street. She meant a lot to you... and she's not a part of your life anymore.

She's in the other world, isn't she? With Host and Munk and Owen and Dyrk? Is that why you're not checking in on Host anymore? Because you're worried about running into Candace on accident? 

It was a gray rainy day today. I'm feeling gloomy and tired. I'm going to bed.

Come back, please.

***

It was so nice to wake up and feel that you had been here overnight, DZ. Even if just for a minute. Even if you were just checking in. I've missed you.

Does this mean you're coming back?

The weather is much nicer today. I might pick some of the lilacs and bring them to Host, if she has time for a visit. 

If you wanted to make an appearance and say hi, I'm sure she wouldn't mind.

***

Was it just me, or was Host's goodbye hug a little bit... uh... squeezier than usual? I don't think it was because of the lilacs. She didn't say so, but I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to pass that hug on to you. So, here's a hug.

***

I can feel you here.

DZ.

DZ. Please? Talk to me. Just for a little bit?

Go away.

I think you know that's, like, actually impossible.

Then shut up.

Actually, Demeter once said that might be impossible, too, but that might have been a joke.

Just... just stop. Leave me alone. I don't want to talk about it.

About Candace?

What did I literally. Just. Say.

OK, OK, we don't have to talk about her, but DZ... you can't just pretend it didn't happen. That she didn't happen. I know you, and us, and how we work. I know that ever since the two of you ended things, she's been walking in and out of our head, all day, all night.

I even tried to block her out for a while because I thought that might help you come back faster. But it didn't work. You—we—can't just forget someone like that.

Fine. If you're so aware, and you think you know how bad it feels... how could you possibly think I'd be ready to come back?

DZ, you can't wait until the hurt is completely gone before you come back. It will never be completely healed. Especially not if you keep to yourself, hiding away in here, not talking to anyone, not even me.

Remember when we found Dyrk? He wanted to hide from the pain too, at first. And then he wanted to, like... become it. From one extreme to the other. Remember? But Demeter talked him down to a happy—well, sort of happy—middle ground.

I fail to see how that's relevant.

He didn't reach that middle ground by himself. He needed his friends.

...this is pretty heavy-handed, even for you.

I feel the hurt that Candace left behind too, you know. I feel it every day.

And if you don't come back, you and I will each have to carry that pain, by ourselves, forever. But if you do come back...

God dammit.

...then we can carry it together.

...DZ?

OK. Let's go visit Host.