Sleepless Nights

Not a Liar

Travis didn't sleep well these days, not that he'd ever slept well but it had gotten significantly worse over the past few years. With all the lying and killing, cover ups and guilt that kept him awake for days on end.

His life had never been great but Travis didn't think it had been unbearable up until this point. At least he had his brothers, had Chris to turn to when things got rough. Now? He had no one. Running himself ragged trying to protect his family and those who had never even been involved. He risked it all because family was the most important thing. Because family was all he had and he was watching it slowly crumble apart before his eyes.

He was only one man! He could only do so much! And yet it wasn't good enough, it was never good enough. Even when he was ripping himself apart at the seams. Travis felt as if he was not only destroying his life but also the lives of anyone who dared to come near him.

Travis was never the easiest to approach but now it was near impossible. He had his walls built so high and was constantly on guard. Watching and waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the next full moon and for the next family fuck up that he'd inevitably have to make disappear.

He wasn't a crooked cop, he wasn't. He really did give a fuck about doing the right thing and upholding the law. But his hands were dirty now and they'd never wash clean of the blood and shame from the things he's had to do. His hands were forever stained to remind him of his sins.

Travis often thought that his birth was some kind of sick joke. He tried to do everything right. Tried to be a good son and a good brother but everything he seemed to do was wrong. As if his whole existence was wrong. He didn't understand and he would likely never understand.

There was no use crying over things he couldn't change. He'd continue to soldier on as he always has even if he was the last fucking Hackett on this God damn earth.

Travis shifted uncomfortably on the sorry excuse for a cot, the blankets suddenly becoming scratchy and uncomfortable against his skin. He growled in irritation before sitting up and throwing the blankets aside. He sat on the edge of the cot slightly hunched over running his hands over his face and through his hair. He sat there for a moment contemplating his options before sighing and standing up with a slight groan, ignoring the slight pain in his muscles and bones.

Travis took the few steps over to his desk and unlocked one of the drawers. As he pulled the relatively empty a bright orange pill bottle rolled to the front, the pills inside rattling as it did. He looked at the bottle and sighed, grabbing it as he did. He held the bottle to his face and rattled in a few times, only a few left, he'd have to remember to get more.

How he had come into possession of said pills was a trade secret, he had his connections. Travis sighed once more and popped open the bottle and shoke out a few pills into the palm of his hand. He threw the bottle back into the drawer and locked it once again. He walked back over to his cot, popped the pills into his mouth, swallowed and sat back down.

He sat there trying to will his brain to stop thinking. He didn't need his own self loathing and self depreciation rearing its ugly head right now, he'd gotten enough of that during the day. Travis laid back down pulling the blankets back over him haphazardly. He shut his eyes once more and tried to find something else to occupy his mind as he waited for the pills to take effect.

Instead of switching gears and focusing on something pleasant, pleasant things were few and far between in his life. it decided that instead of thinking about how much he hated himself it moved to think of the certain someone he had locked away in a cell.

Travis really did not want to think about them, about you. He didn't dislike you, far from it. You could be difficult and stubborn but not outright hostile and you seemed honest almost to a fault. He remembered you saying that you didn't like lying at one point. That was something that he had to respect. Though, lying was sometimes necessary to keep the ones you love safe. Still, it had been a comfort to know that the likelihood of you lying to him was low.

You had only been difficult and stubborn if he hadn't provided a good enough explanation for his actions. You even took the news of werewolves being real and a very real danger in stride. You hadn't looked at him crazy or called him insane, you hadn't even laughed. You simply shrugged your shoulders and said "Yeah, that makes sense." Which took him by surprise.

Travis had been so surprised that he didn't actually believe that you believed him. You had caught the look he was giving you and smiled. It was a small smile but it shot straight through his heart and made it tighten painfully in yearning. Yearning for what? He'd rather not admit.

"Sir, you're not a liar." Came your soothing reply.

Which only made his heart hurt worse because he was a liar. Travis had been lying for 6+ years, maybe even longer. He had grumbled something at you before getting up and leaving. He just…needed to remove himself from your presence.

Travis shifted uncomfortably on the cot before rolling over onto his side snuggling the blankets to his face. He wondered what it would feel like to hold you in his arms, to have you smile up at him and only him.

Travis took those thoughts with him into his dreams where the possibility of them coming true was higher than in reality. You couldn't love him, wouldn't love him.

He was unlovable after all. Simply a disappointment and a failure. Usually those kinds of thoughts would bring the tell-tale sign of prickles behind his eyes and as much as those words made him want to cry he wouldn't, Travis would never cry. It was the truth after all, they were the same words that his ma had shot at him time and time again.

Travis let out a shaky sigh as he turned his focus back onto you and how you would feel held tightly against his chest.

Soon his thoughts had become hazy and distorted as he was lulled into a deep sleep with only dreams of you on the horizon.