J, You grew up watching nothing but fondness situations that made you kind towards others. Made you a good person and unlike anyone else. But what ruined you? What destroyed you and made you have a negative outlook on the world? It was the way you thought about the negative side of things and didn't find joy in activities that should be founded upon to be fun and joyful. You met people that didn't deserve your kindness but still gave them that. Until you met her. She met you at a dark time. Prior to meeting her. You tried making people like you which really wasn't good and failed. Until she came along and liked you for who you were. You realized that love works in mysterious ways. You had something nice. She was there through your ups and downs. Your worst and your depressing time. But what did you do? You started pushing her away as well as others towards the finish line. You made her feel less loving towards you and more of someone that's just there for your bullshit. Instead of being there for the both of you guys. You were such a stressful person. White hairs, draining mindset, negative emotions, less joy in doing activities. Until the breakup happened. That's when you realized that you needed to change for the better of yourself and others. You cried a river of tears that day. You lost yourself that day. You told her so many things following the relationship. In which you shouldn't have. She felt safe in your skin. But you deprived her of the safety between you and her. She meant everything to you. And what did you manifold? You messed up all of it up by your whimpering, crying, bashing of thoughts onto her. She was happy. But you were the one that kept her from being truly happy. No matter how much you want her back J. No matter how much you changed, she doesn't believe you. Nor want you back. You cry from pain. Why? Because you messed things up. You want her to come over and just tell her so many things that you didn't say to her. You want her to be your lover again, making out with her and telling her so many kind things and stories. But she doesn't want that with you. She's happier without your crap. Even when you don't have problems going on. Your love is strong and deeply admiring. Your love had unimaginable heights. In which it grows every single second. But she doesn't want that love. She doesn't want that guy that'll love her forever. She doesn't want the new and improved. J 2.0. You're a smart guy that learns new things every day. You do things that nobody else wants to do. You're different J. Your feelings and just you. But she doesn't want that. Why did you wait? You waited to show her your love until school ended. You had these tears of joy all prepared for your speech you had that was dedicated for her. These items that are left to be given to. All because of your negative emotions lashing onto her. But you're a man now right? You have that responsibility mindset like an old soul. You feel mature now do you? I am mature now. A strong minded person that is more persistent on what's going on. C found you different. In a weird way. You're so adorable, different and weird. No one finds your writing entertaining to read. You love narrating your voice over your writing. Especially when you talk all deep and serious tone. You shock yourself at times. But J. She doesn't like that nor is it cool. You're a dumb moron. This writing isn't going to do anything or change anything. You're unique than the rest of these people in caring for others. You helped the less fortunate at times and helped people you didn't even know. But she doesn't want that from you. She's happier without you. So just keep doing what you're doing and build your love into something that makes you true with yourself. Your heart still beats in a rush of love sometimes for her. But sometimes it's the opposite and it beats in fear and anxiety. Why? Because you're worrying about her. She's not worrying about you so just quit it. You listened to a song before the breakup that made you so happy. You thought everything was fine and happy, until you received the news. You're a man now. But she didn't want a serious relationship. You wanted that. You wanted to grow old. You wanted commitment. Meanwhile, she just wanted nothing but company. You have all of these memories that you wanted to talk about in the future. But she doesn't want you anymore J. You loved her a lot. Most of all, you liked her for who she was. You would call her nicknames and all. You would say things that you don't even tell your friends about. You made her laugh at the most dumbest things. You still find hope in these texts. But nope J. She still sees you as a liar and she probably has this thought that you're lying your ass off right now J. Even though you've never been that type to lie about serious things. You never did. Soft boy received motivation from people to become someone great in life. You always wanted to help people. And you'll do that in the future. You'll help people that were once lost like you. To help guide them. She never liked helping people. Which is okay. You did good. But not good enough.You restrained your emotions until the end . Because you wanted to surprise her after school. You're changing your body and mind and now know how to treat a women. But she doesn't want any of that from you. No matter how much of a better man you are. You keep on telling yourself "I'm just like her ex's She left them because he was boring and not amazing. I'm just like them" it seems that way because the way she just left you. But you were never like them. You were unique. You're never going to be like them. Look at you. Working on yourself. Still loving and caring for yourself. Smiling at danger. You meet new people like it's nothing. You always wanted to help the people that didn't have a voice, she's witnessed that. You were kind but you were hurt deep down at yourself. You find interest in things people find less interesting than you do. You adapt to new things and you're just real. You're always going to be different J. If only you were the new you back then. When you dated her. You miss her a lot. But her feelings for you has most likely faded. You don't expect her to be honest with you anymore. You broke her trust a over that stupid thing you did a year ago. But you were honest with it, instead of leaving it to yourself in the end. But you still lied. You felt insecure about her because she's just so different. But now. She's not yours. So don't feel insecure about her. She's telling another one "I love you". You never told that to anyone besides her. Not even your friends. It was always "love you" because the "I" was always meant to be for her. But she didn't want anything serious so I love you is just another phrase in her eyes. Blocked everything about you. You want to do this old stuff with her. But she doesn't. You cared about her feelings. But was just covered under your overwhelming emotions. You're sorry. She won't love you anymore. You want to just be one again. With the smell of women perfume. But she found another person that gives her that dopamine so you're no one now. You love her. But she doesn't love you back like she once did. Her love is her love. She works in mysterious ways. Her love is unconditional. The reason you kept a positive hope, is because you had hope. Hoping she'll come back. Hoping she'll truly love you to work things out. Hope that she feels what you feel. Although, you knew the answers to these questions. You still hoped. But you didn't give your hopes up too high. She doesn't care about you J. You are alone at the moment. Should I find someone new to love? Should I move on? After almost 3 years with the person you wanted to have a deeper understanding of each other? You want to move on J? No you don't. Why? Because you're a lover that actually wanted someone who was committed. Nowadays, who wants that? Nobody. So you're going to remain quiet for a while. Meanwhile, she's doing her own self. You thought she was real too. But she wasn't. She was just a girl that wanted fun but you were overwhelmed that it led to the breakup. You still dwell on how you won't see her house again, her dog, her parents, her stuffed animals that you guys once named, the notes and memories that you guys wrote to each other again. I miss her stinky dog. But you aren't allowed back to that old house. You aren't aloud to spend that one night you've dreamed about. She took away your troubles but in the end didn't understand you. I'm not happy and I'm not sad. I'm just here. A little confused, and bitter. That day has opened my eyes. She got bored of you and moved onto someone new who got her amazed again. Without a second thought.
You don't hate her. You don't despise her how she despises you. But it's okay. You forgave her. She's the opposite towards you though. She dislikes you deeply. I'm here. An alternative asset if she needs me for anything. If she gave me a second opportunity. Ill take it without thinking. But those odds are eradicated. Ill accept her with open arms though. But it's over. And if this is all wrong. Then I got a lot more to sleep upon. This writing is just the beginning. A lot more could've been written. If she's thinking about me doing this, is to define her. I'm not. It's all my opinion. Not true in no ones eyes. I don't expect her to reply back in any manner. On the contrary, I may be seen as even more of miserable guy. Which in that case. I'm just writing past memories, that were meant to be purposeful. But yet again. I'm just draining you all over again? I don't expect you to feel anything when reading this, because I'm just a bit dumb. You fell out of love because of my ways. I know you don't love me anymore because you deleted our memories. I don't care because new ones do sound pretty nice. I have all of our memories. Well, mostly you. And I'll keep them for funny memories. But you didn't want a real relationship with me. Was just there to just be your high school boyfriend. Was I? No, I wasn't meant to be just that I was meant to be more than just that. Until things got in the way which led you to the wrong thoughts. I hated my name by the way. You could make fun of my name and so on. I just never felt like that really belonged to me. I hated it. I was even thinking about changing it before I met you. But what if this is all wrong? What if you do still love me? Love you j? Nah she doesn't. I feel like deep down you still think here and there about me. But you're a fearless independent person. You push forward without looking back. And if you don't care about me or anything then I'll accept that. I said so much stuff on the tuned app and also I sent you many drawings. If you feel interested. You could look at the apps we once used. I wrote a long long story of 2 past lovers but now I'm having second thoughts on sending you that story because you're not the same as I. You're not a lover girl like I am. Even though I'm not good in story detailing and such. And if I make a fool out of myself. Seeing that I'm "down bad" or just dumb for loving you this much. My love grows for everything. But if I'm a fool to send this , then I don't care even if I'm a fool. You could think of me as the greatest loser in history in your eyes. But if I'm a joke to you. Then I'm a joke to you. But me. I'm working on myself. Advancing my knowledge on everything. You and others made me happy. Not only you. But I guess I'm just another guy you dated and am always going to be another ex. Moved on like a bush in the desert. Seems I'm going to get myself into more trouble due to me knowing how you respond to me. You're tired of me trying. I feel this love but you don't. It sucks. It brings me down. But I gotta push through like he said. Lastly C, you're more precious than anything in this world, you could not want my love again, you could hate me by all means, and I will always, always love you. I don't remember anything about my younger self, me as a baby.
But what I'll always remember is your voice when you first talked to me until I can't anymore. (Corny but true)
I cried to this song when you told me you loved me. And now I cry to this song because it was the song I loved listening to when I thought about you all that time ago but there's no us. And it sucks because I remember crying on the bus because of this song. Lovely. But C. Hopefully the storyline makes you even smile a bit or laugh. Which I know you and I aren't on that good of terms but I smiled and laughed while talking about us. No more puppy shmup and ugly together. What am I saying? You are so childish J. She made you into such a goofball. Gosh, to spend another day with her. The things we did in our time alone. I will never forget these memories. The ceiling, the tv, the calls, the history of our past. It was fun. But another one makes her happy. I'm like Steve from stranger things. I can't stop thinking about how he's exactly like me. So dumb with people and just nice.
Anyways,
Juanpablo Montoya. Funny dad nickname. Love him. Ciao.
