Picka: 30 Days To Love

The Archer

A/N: rewritten! i wrote this a little over two years ago so i thought that i would change the writing a bit :') i've learned a lot about showing your character's emotions instead of telling it lately ✨️

tw: signs of a panic attack (?) sorry im not sure if it is but the way i wrote it may be kind of triggering for some. ill put a star when the scene is over

jooyul's pov

jooyul walked around in a cirlce in the middle of his room, rapidly pacing. he grabbed his chest and fanned his shirt trying to get some air. why is it so hot in here? or maybe it was the way his heart felt like it was bleeding out from multiple gashes each time he thought about how badly he messed things up.

each time he thought that maybe there was a way he could forgive himself, beg and grovel for yeonwoo's forgiveness, another flicker of doubt sprung up at him. but for every blossoming doubt in his head, regret bared it's claws into his heart even deeper. outweighing every single feeling in his body until all he could feel, all he could breathe is what could've been.

"i," he took a sharp breath so his words would come out properly. "don't know what to do." he gripped the phone in his hands tighter as his knuckles turned white. the breath in his lungs churned around in anticipation of the answer on the phone. as if to torture him by waiting him out until he was all out of breath.

"

I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost.
The room is on fire, invisible smoke."

☆

"that's your fault." his friend on the phone said harshly, her honey-like sticky voice an alarm in the sleepy 2 am weather. of course she wasn't going to spare him any sympathy. that was exactly why he had called. "she was ready to love you till death and you ran away because you were scared. again!"

jooyul always got scared. it was just in the way he was raised. in the way love was presented to him from the moment he was born. that if he loved too much, he would slip up just like his dad did and find the love of his life bored at his fingertips. he could only grasp onto yeonwoo for so long, he thought. every gut weenching tremble in his stomach warned him. if he showed too much interest, she would leave. and that's exactly what happened. except for the fact that jooyul was the one who had left.

jooyul sighed slightly because this time, he couldn't defend himself and as much as he hated to admit it, she was right. "it's what you always do jooyul. you mess things up and act like you're so fucking innocent" her voice was so devoid of emotion, it scared him.

"and now you're doing exactly what you did with us. when will it be enough? you keep driving everyone so far away and you'll have nobody left who loves you." his ex-girlfriend groaned whilst continuing her scolding.

but all he could think about was yeonwoo. even as his closest confidante set things straight for him, the only thing on his mind was how he may have made the right call. he never really tried to make things more interesting or keep her excited. maybe he could finally rest easy tonight and call it all divine guidance.

but it was her sugary tone shooting daggers at him that finally awoke him from his slumber of sugarcoated lies. "do you not see how many people you're hurting in this situation?"

how many? who else could he be hurting but yeonwoo?

he tilted his head slightly and whispered to the phone speaker. "what do you mean?"

"i mean you're hurting two people because of your selfishness." though he couldn't see it he knew that she had two fingers up judging by the tone of her voice. her words echoed through his head, as if to mock his foolishness.

how many times was he going to end up in this position? with his ex screaming at him to wake up from all his red flags? when he was going to change? it had to be today, it had to be for her or else he wouldn't be able to live with himself any longer.

"elaborate." he said, rubbing the back of his neck. he needed a solution.

"think. about. it." her voice cracked slightly as she emphasized each word. "you loved her and promised to pick her, then broke your promise and picked the safer option, someone you don't even love! now you're hurting the both of them like a fucking jerk." she took a deep breath and tried to continue but he cut her off.

"so what should i do now?" his golden retriever tone was pitiful at best. no longer something you could be attracted to, just another symbol of his low self-awareness.

"oh you're a hopeless one aren't you" his ex sighed. "fight for her. show her how much you love her and maybe then she'll take you back." she hung up annoyedly but jooyul couldn't be more grateful.

because now he knew what to do.

"Who could ever leave me darling?
But who could stay."

he picked up his earphones that were a gift from yeonwoo, and started listening to the playlists she made for him while writing her a letter. his hopeful footsteps were just enough to make the right girl swoon, and secretly he had hoped that it would make her swoon too.

jooyul walked towards the bus station with his heart laying on his sleeve, finally in reach. he boarded the bus quickly while clutching tightly on a yellow box filled with yeonwoo's favorite snacks and all the things he wish he could say to her out loud, written on a neatly tied letter.

in the box was yeonwoo's favorite cookie that he secretly passed to her despite the risk of getting disqualified from the competition when he did it.

if he could rewind time, he would approach her and tell her that she was beautiful. that she was everything he wanted and loved. that he would do everything in the world to undo the damage he did and mend her heart piece by piece.

he fidgeted slightly, and braced himself for yeonwoo's reaction to when he confesses to her, again.

would she reject him? would she accept him? would she love him again? would they be okay again? but whatever her reaction was, he would accept it. he had to. it was the least he could do for her.

his thoughts were cut off as the bus reached it's stop in front of picka cafe.
he took a deep breath as he gave himself a pat on the back.

he walks to the cafe slowly hoping to calm his heartbeat by the time he gets there.

he's got this

he sees yeonwoo's hair as he gets closer to the door.

he's got this.

he sees yeonwoo's lips and walks faster.

he's got this.

he see's her smile and unconciously walks even faster, his worries starting to pile up again. why was she smiling when the results just came out?

he's got this.

then he sees euntae holding his dog in front of yeonwoo making her smile.

he doesn't got this.

here it goes. he puts his hand on the door handle. then gets distracted by her smile. she looked so happy and beautiful with someone who wasn't him. after all the things he did to her, would he really be selfish towards her again?

how could he ruin this for her?

he removes his hand from the door handle and walks away, still clutching the box full of all the things that will be left unsaid. she would finally be happy.

"All the king's horses, All the king's men, couldn't put me together again. Cause all of my enemies, started out friends."