Nick Nelson and Kit Connor Imagines

Listen Before I Go

TW- depression, anxiety, suicide

A/n- if you'd like to listen to the song while reading, go for it! Although, I would recommend starting when y/n actually starts to sing, it's a little later in the imagine. I hope you like it! I've struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time so this subject is always a soft spot for me. If you're struggling please know that you're not alone and it gets better. You will get better. If you need to talk, anytime, my chats are open. ❤️

Growing up, I had never fully been mentally ok. I was constantly depressed and had debilitating anxiety. I never went to a therapist or got help and learned how to cope because my parents "never saw the need". This carried on into my adult life and when I became famous from Heartstopper, things took a turn for the worst. Since I was never given the opportunity to understand my mental illness and how to live with it, I didn't know what to do when I fell into one of many mental breakdowns over the constant, suffocating attention that was placed on me by the public. When Kit and I started dating, there was even more attention on, specifically, me. As the attention turned to me, I started to get a lot more hate then usual. Of course I had a few hate comments here and there but they never attacked me, personally, they would always attack my choice to partake in a show that spotlit the LGBTQIA+ community. However, the new hate I was getting was attacking every single thing about me. From the chipped nail polish on my thumb to the rolls on my stomach. Everything. This time was extremely hard for Kit and I. I shut everyone out. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone because I was so insecure about myself that just stepping out of my room in my apartment was too much. Eventually, the loneliness, depression, anxiety, not feeling good enough, and just pure, relentless self-hatred caught up to me. I was pushed over the edge one night when I had read one of the countless other hate comments on my phone, I went up to the roof of my apartment building and stood on the edge. With the air pushing me closer to the edge and the tears streaming down my face, my feet danced over the drop. Thankfully, that was also the night that Kit had gotten fed up with my silence and decided to come over to my apartment. He wanted to check in on me and see if I was ok. His question was answered when one of my neighbors told him they saw me go up to the roof. His heart dropped. He knew of my past mental struggles and knew of my more recent ones, although he didn't think it had gone that far. However, when he stepped out from the door that led to the roof and saw his whole world completely destroyed, he almost broke. Although, he stayed strong for me. He held his tears back as he talked me off the ledge. We had gone back and forth for about 25 minutes as I sobbed to him over how horrible my life was. I told him everything from the hate comments to the attention to the feeling of being trapped in this life that I couldn't handle and how I just wanted to be free. I told him how I just wanted peace and how I wanted him to tell the cast that none of this was their fault, that it was inevitable. He slowly walked toward me as he told me that I could get peace. That I just needed to set up boundaries with the public. He continued to tell me all the things he loved about me and how he couldn't live without me. He said "y/n, if there is no you, there is no me. You're my everything. You shaped who I am. Without you I'm a blank, empty void that doesn't want to live." When he had said that he didn't want to live if I didn't live, something switched in my brain. I realized I needed to fight. I could get help. I began to think of Kit and how I never wanted to leave him. I wanted to make endless amounts of memories with him. So, I took a step away from the ledge and fell into his arms. After that, I went to therapy, took a break from acting and social media, surrounded myself with people who made me feel wanted and I got better. Kit and I moved in together and he was with me when my song "Listen Before I Go" hit number 1. The song was about the things I had said to Kit while I was lingering too close to the edge. He had never heard me sing it live, no one had. Although, tonight, that would change. Tonight I was going on Jimmy Fallon to sing the song and I was incredibly nervous. There were rumors that I had attempted to commit suicide because there were a few people at the bottom of my apartment building that had recognized me as I contemplated my death. Then with me deleting social media and not going back to Heartstopper for season 2. And then, with my song. I had also talked about my mental health battle in the past so people definitely had their ideas of if my song was written from experience or not.

As I walked onto the stage, the first person I looked for was Kit. He had comforted me backstage, given me a kiss and a hug. We were both already emotional from the song and what this night meant to us both and I knew we would both become even more emotional as I started singing it. The music started to play as my eyes locked with Kit's.

Take me to the rooftop, I want to see the world when I stop breathing... turning blue

I could already feel myself starting to tear up as I began to relive an experience of extreme pain and suffering. Things only got worse when I saw a few tears fall down Kit's cheeks as he relived an experience of complete terror.

Tell me love is endless, don't be so pretentious, leave me like you do, if you need me, you wanna see me, you better hurry, cause I'm leaving soon

I started to fully cry as I realized my best friends, the cast of Heartstopper, were all in the audience, supporting me and cheering me on as flashbacks from my life went through my mind. The struggles and the happiness, they were blurring together. It was in this moment I realize, I was never truly happy.

Sorry can't save me now, sorry I don't know how, sorry there's no way out, but down, hmm down

I see Kit again and his whole demeanor has changed. His hand is over his face as his body shakes with his silent sobs. Joe puts his arm around Kit in attempt to comfort him but Joe knows it won't help. Joe's the only one out of the cast who truly knows what happened. When Kit was breaking down and didn't want me to see, he would go to Joe's. Joe would sit with his close friend as he panicked over the fear of seeing me standing with one foot dangling over the roof again. Joe saw how much that time effected us both.

Taste me these salty tears on my cheek, that's what a yearlong headache does to you, I'm not ok I feel so scattered, don't say I'm all that matters, leave me... deja vu

I choke up at this point and have to take a step away from the mic as I quickly try to regain my composure. The audience is silent. Jimmy is silent. The band is silent. Everyone is silent. Listening to me. It makes me even more emotional because, my whole life, I have felt like I've gone unheard. That when I was screaming for help, no one cared. Yet, here I am with a boyfriend and best friends and coworkers and certain family members who would drop everything if they even suspected I wasn't ok. I've finally made it. Not in the financial or work way but... in a different way. This was all I've ever wanted, people who loved me.

Call my friends and tell them that I love them and I'll miss them, but I'm not sorry, call my friends and tell them that I love them, and I'll miss them... sorry

I look at Kit and my friends, the life I've made. The life I've struggled and worked hard for. I'm happy now. Truly, utterly, unapologetically happy. It's a breath of fresh air in a pool I didn't even know I was drowning in until it was almost too late. The music fades out as the audience starts clapping and I smile through my tears. Only, this time it isn't fake. I'm smiling because I see Kit running up to me and I'm smiling because he wraps me in a hug as he and I cry into each other's shoulder. I'm smiling because he's whispering sweet nothings in my ear. And I'm smiling because our friends are walking up to us and joining our hug. I'm smiling because I'm in love with someone who's in love with me too, something I wanted so badly as a kid but never thought I deserved. I'm smiling because Kit kisses me and his lips show me all the love and care he has for me.

I'm smiling because I'm happy.