Yellowed

Chapter 20; Trust and Fear

It again became our unconscious amusement to come to this rooftop at midnight and talk about what happens in our day and what we think will happen tomorrow, and these discussions often last until before sunrise. 

"It is so unbelievable, isn't it?" Flavus asked as he blew out the smoke from his cigarette. "The things that had happened these past few days. But I'm glad to be able to get through those things with you." He added. 

"You're right." I nod in agreement as I give him a smile. "Life was never the same after that. But I'm happy to know that I have you by my side." I say. He looked at me with pure curiosity.

"What do you mean?" he asked. 

"This. Us. You and me. Meeting here almost every night," I pointed out. 

"But we did it before, didn't we?"

"Yes, but that was different. That was before we made sense of our visions. Before that, our meetings are completely just because we were both bored and just happen to have the same desire to be here," I said. "But now that we somehow know the truth It's more of a choice rather than because we can't sleep." Flavus gazed at me warmly. And maybe, just for a moment, loneliness passes by in his eyes but disappears almost immediately.

"Why?" I asked. 

"The graduation is in just a month," he said, avoiding my eyes. Maybe he was trying not to break up the mood between us.

"Then let's celebrate?" I said. "We can invite Paul and all your friends."

He didn't speak. He just handed me a paper.

"What is it?" I asked. 

"I applied for a graduate program in Greece." 

"That is great, isn't it?" I looked at him, but he didn't seem glad. "What's wrong?"

"If I accept it, I would have to leave right after graduation." I was confused. "But I don't want to leave you, Gray." His head was hanging low and I'm lost for words. I will miss him if he leaves. I'm sure I would. But I also wanted him to pursue his dreams. 

"We still have a month, maybe we can use that for you to not miss me so much," I said, trying to sound playful. "Maybe we can both figure it out when the time comes."

"But...I...I... I don't want to leave you." He said with his head still down. I sat beside him and placed my hands over his. He looked at me with hopeful eyes.

"I don't either, Flavus. But I don't want you to give up your dreams." I said as I gave him a reassuring smile.

"But I'm not afraid that you'll leave me. I'm afraid that if I leave, I'll learn how to be alone again, and I'll find someone to make me feel that being alone is awful, and I am afraid that... that someone would not be you anymore," he sighed softly. "Oh Flavus," I said as I shook my head. "You'll never be alone," I said in his ear. It was almost a whisper. He just held me at my back, and we both showered with each other's warmth. 

#

"Here's the program for the retreat Mr. Gray," Ms. Follon said as she handed the pieces of papers to me. "Ms. Amanda will be there with you, is that okay?" she asked. 

"Yeah, sure no problem," she then left my office. 

I looked at the retreat program. Just like last year, it's a two-day out-of-campus retreat camp exclusively for all of the graduating students. And I can't help but feel a little nostalgic and nervous at the same time. Of course, I hope that he is as glad as I am at this moment. I don't know why, but after that night, I felt something would happen whenever Flavus and I were in the same place. I wasn't sure what it was, but the feeling was that I won't be able to stop thinking about it. This is bizarre, I tell myself. I just want to focus on the work I'm doing today, so I can concentrate on it and push aside all these thoughts from my mind. But there is one thing that won't be pushed aside no matter how hard I try, and that is the thought of Flavus.