Bitter Root

Chapter 5

"How's it going?" Woosung asked, leaning over Dolores' shoulder to see her progress.

"It's going," she answered noncommittally. "I did what you said. I wrote down exactly what I did wrong with Nacho. And in this part, here," she pointed at the handwritten letter, "I put how sorry I am and how I have changed and grown. I wouldn't do the same thing today if I were faced with the same situation."

Woosung fluffed Dolores' hair. "I think we can all look back on our past and see moments we would do differently, but we have to accept all the past versions of ourselves. We did the best we could with what we had," he said. "And that's not an excuse. It's just giving ourselves the same grace we would give to someone else."

Dolores nodded. "I was thinking of saying something about how I never gave him the chance to grieve the loss of the baby. I was so wrapped up in my pain, I couldn't make room for him to feel what he felt," she commented. "I mean, people said the dumbest things to me at that time. They said, 'They'll be others.' They said, 'God must have needed another angel in Heaven.' I mean what kind of shit is that? Why would God need my child? I mean, people mean well, but they just say the stupidest shit sometimes," she concluded.

"Yeah, people want to make sense of the senseless. Our minds are hardwired to try to find meaning in everything. It leads people to just jump at any explanation they can find for pain. Also, they want to assure themselves it won't happen to them. If they find a 'reason' for your suffering, they can convince themselves that they can avoid the same fate," Woosung said sagely.

"I knew he must have been in pain too, but for me, it was such a singular feeling. There is a moment when you feel the other soul leaving your body. At least, it was that way for me. There was a strange silence when she died inside of me," Dolores explained.

"It must have been so painful," Woosung replied, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"I came to believe that my womb was a death trap. That's why ever since then I've been so careful. I never want to be pregnant again. Never," Dolores emphasized.

Woosung made no attempt to talk her out of her position. Of course, she had years of life to go. He knew that it is unlikely she would hold onto her decision to never have kids. Still, it was upsetting to hear her say it. It just gave him a sense of how deep that pain was for her.

Dolores glanced at Woosung's arm and pointed to one of his tattoos. "These are Roman Numerals, right?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's my mom's birthday in Roman Numerals," he explained.

"Aw, how sweet is that?" she cooed.

"You must love your mom a lot," Dolores prompted.

"I mean, she helped me find music. She took me to Korean church when I was a kid. The other kids there got me into K-pop. And from there, you know the story. And now, here I am making a living from music," he said.

Dolores nodded. She picked up her letter to read over it again silently. Woosung took that moment to watch her without being detected. Her terracotta arms glistened with tiny golden flecks. Her cheekbones were high, a gift from her Mayan and Aztec ancestors. Woosung also had high cheekbones. He pondered for a moment what their kids would look like. He stopped himself abruptly. Hadn't she just said that she didn't want kids? And besides that, they didn't have that kind of relationship. "What's wrong with me?" he scolded himself silently. He had to admit that ever since they had played that game, he had been increasingly having these thoughts. Woosung knew she had been joking when she had acted so sexy with him, but it had sparked something in him. He had always thought she was beautiful, but it was at that moment that he had begun to want something more.

Dolores looked up from her letter. "What?" she asked. "Do I have something on my face?" she questioned.

"Ah, no," he attempted to salvage the situation. "I was just staring off into space," he said.

"Oh, 'cause it looked like you were staring at me," she responded confidently. Woosung didn't reply. He didn't trust that his voice wouldn't crack. Fortunately, Dolores changed the subject.

"So, I've gone over everything about what I did, why I did it, and I asked him to forgive me. My concern is that he may see this letter as an attempt to get back together with him," Dolores commented.

"Is that what you want?" Woosung asked her, feeling the tension in his throat. He swallowed hard, past the lump that was stuck in it. He could feel his Adam's apple rise and fall. Dolores saw it too. Her eyes had followed it as it went up and down.

"No," she finally answered. "I want to apologize, but I feel like going back to that relationship would be a mistake. We were so young. We've probably both grown up a lot since then. But I really just want that relationship to be in my past. I just want it to be a less painful memory. I'm hoping this letter is the first step toward that."

Dolores went back to writing. She seemed inspired. Woosung watched her as she formed her letters carefully, biting her bottom lip as she concentrated. He watched the page fill up and she grabbed a new piece of paper and continued on. When she finished, she wiped her forehead in a sign of relief.

"So, what did you write just now?" Woosung asked.

"I'll never tell," Dolores teased, grabbing the letter and making a run for it.

"Hey, I thought I was helping you," Woosung cried out as he chased after her. Dolores ducked and weaved expertly, but finally, he caught her in his arms. They both laughed at the silly, childish game.

When they stopped laughing, Woosung asked again, "But seriously, what did you say at the end?"

Dolores cleared her throat. "I said that my apology shouldn't be taken as a sign that I want to get back together with him. I wrote that there's someone I'm interested in pursuing right now," she revealed.

There was that lump in his throat again. He couldn't stop himself. "So, what's the guy like?" he questioned.

Dolores looked right into Woosung's eyes. "Well, he's this kind of goofy Korean guy who's a little bit lazy. He's a pretty decent singer. He's got this sexy smile that makes me feel all funny in my stomach," she whispered.

"Would this guy happen to be allergic to cats?" Woosung asked, hoping against hope that he was.

"How did you know?" Dolores asked with a grin. "I mean, that's what he says anyway. I think he just doesn't like my cat," she posited.

"And you said he has a sexy smile?" Woosung prompted.

"Yeah, well, that's just one sexy thing about him," she teased.

"And what would you do if he tried to kiss you?" he asked with his lips close to her coconut-scented ones.

"I think he would just have to take the plunge and find out," she whispered. Woosung leaned in and pressed his lips against hers. He felt her lean into him more. She reached around his neck and ran her hands through his short, black hair. Suddenly, he felt her tongue prying at his lips. A jolt of electricity went through his body. He pulled away for a moment.

"Sorry. I felt dizzy for a second there. It was like when you're on a rollercoaster, and you reach the top, and you're about to drop. You know that feeling of a head rush and your stomach jumps. That's what happened just now. That never happened to me before," he admitted.

"Do you think you can handle another kiss?" Dolores asked with a mischievous grin. "I mean, I wouldn't want you to black out or anything," she teased.

"Well, I'd better build up my tolerance because I intend to be with you for a long time. I can't be this dizzy the rest of my life," he replied.

"And why not?" she asked right before pulling his head toward hers again.