Random Dragon Ball Things

My Writing Improvement

I made this chapter so I and you all could see how my writing has changed and improved. The first paragraph is a piece from a chapter of "A Saiyan Buddy?" when I first wrote the story. It was over a year ago. The second paragraph is my edited and rewritten version, one you will most likely see when I republish the edited chapter.

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Old Paragraph Version:

When me and the girls started to walk outside, I could feel all eyes turn to us. I shrunk down a bit, but with my new friends around me, I built up the confidence to walk boldly towards the pool. Goku and his friends weren't in the pool anymore, which just meant more room for us!

*My thoughts:
- I don't like my 'overuse' of 'I' to start a sentence
- The writing felt rushed (Looking back it kind of was haha)
-The exclamation point was unnecessary
- The paragraph can be expanded and written to express more physical and mental expressions (in a sense)*

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New Paragraph Version:

A single step out was all it took for the eyes of practically every party attendee to look towards your group. It was unusual feeling so many eyes staring you and the girls down, that you felt yourself shrink back as you walked. It was so much different than the rest of the girls in the group. They were confident, boldly showing their new outfits off as they sashayed their way to the pool. A nudge to your shoulder by one of them was enough to bring you back. It was Videl. She winked at you and smirked. Her face looked so vibrant, and her small gesture probably helped you more than she knew. You smiled back. Your new-found friends around you quickly helped you build up the confidence to walk with a little more sway in your hip. You were still a little shy. To the best of your knowledge, Goku could be one of people that cant keep their eyes off the group. Although it would be a little unlikely, it still lingered in your head. Even so, you managed to refrain yourself from looking around at the party guests, really, for him specifically. Instead, you kept your eyes focused on the pool you all were approaching. Before going to change, Goku and his friends were occupying it. Now, it sat empty, which only meant more room for you girls.

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Well that's the change in my writing over my time on Wattpad. I think I've improved, but when I write the official paragraph I might change it a little more! 😎