Diffidence & Desire

[V] Despair

I went to the usual spot I'd sit at, and laid down against the wall. I felt bothered by the way he answered me, for a second I thought if I at least tried a bit more maybe he'll get used to me, and maybe he'll like me back. But, I guess my efforts went to waste.

I grabbed a sandwich and took a few bites, but I feel like I've lost my appetite. Now that I walked away, almost made a scene, I feel like I'm the awkward one in all of this, I'm the dramatic one. But... even if it was my intention to guilt trip him I'm sure he wouldn't care. I sighed and put the rest of my sandwich in my bag and got ready for the next period.

The bell rang, and I walked to my class. I saw him coming from the other hallway, but I didn't care. I didn't even look at him, I just went inside and took a seat. Little did I know, he'd make it a bit late instead and people already took the other seats. There were different people for this subject, so obviously seats might be different. I didn't bother to look around, but I saw him walking in my direction. 

I noticed, this was the only empty seat left. I sighed and turned, looking out the window. He sat next to me, but I didn't even bother turning, I felt upset, the fact that I care so much but I get a half-assed response. People don't appreciate things sometimes, fuck it I guess.

He sat next to me, with the same expression as ever. He didn't look at me at all. When the class ended, he stood up and just left. I didn't know what to do, I still wanted to talk to him, even if he was ignoring me and didn't say anything else to me. I sighed and got up from my table and left the classroom. That's how the rest of the day went, I said nothing to him and he didn't say anything to me.

I got home, threw my bag against the wall and threw myself on the bed. Another day, where I'm the one trying, but no one else is putting in the effort. 

[Present]

I started hating reminding myself about that story, I didn't want to remember any bit of it. It brings me to hate myself because I feel like I only enter people's lives just to bother them, just to ruin it. That's how I'm treated. I want to be able to at least confront someone after liking them for awhile, and tell them these exact words,

"I like you, would you like to give me a chance?" Those words feel so strange to me, they feel unreachable, it feels like I won't ever be able to use those words, it won't even come out of my mouth. All I could do is lay on my bed, stare at the ceiling and visualize myself sitting at school next to my lover, either my arms wrapped around them, or their arms wrapped around mine and laying on me. 

While everyone else around me goes home on their phone, talks to their lover with those same, familiar words which are only familiar because I hear them so much, never because I use them,

"Hey babe, I'm home"

"Do you want to come over some other day?"

"Do you want to go watch a movie with me?" 

"I love you so much"

Yeah, those are the sentences I've heard so much it's becoming tiring. Living this lifestyle where I'm so committed, more so than the other person, it feels exhausting. It makes me sensitive and it makes me feel tired of always doing everything while no one tries to do something for me. 

I'd sound selfish if I said it out loud, that I want someone to keep trying, keep asking me, keep chasing me even if I tell them that I hate myself, that I want them to find someone better. 

Find someone better.

No matter how desperate I feel sometimes to be in love, to have a boyfriend, to have a girlfriend, to just have a lover, I feel like I'm never good enough and I'll end up being the person they regret being with, the person they feel uncomfortable being with, someone that they can't even introduce to their parents and friends. 

Me? being introduced to my lover's friends / parents? I can't see a future where that happens. I'd feel pathetic if anything, I'd feel like a disappointment, a bother to my lover and I waste of space. I'd just be taking the spot of someone who could be so much better than I am. Things are simple when put into words, but when you're the one that has to experience that stuff and you're filled with this much self-doubt, nothing feels right.

[Past - At school] 

I didn't know how to react anymore to him, he seems like he doesn't care at all even if I feel hurt by the way he talks to me, but even so... even that somehow attracts me. The way he's so cold to me, the way he's playing so hard to get makes me want to try even harder and prove myself. Prove myself for what... for someone who doesn't care about me? 

I sat on my carpet on the floor and looked at my phone wondering what I should do next. Should I text him again? Should I apologize for storming off out of a sudden? I don't even know what feels right or how to put my feelings into words. I grabbed my phone, opened his chat and started typing.

"Sorry about storming off at school, I'm just probably sensitive that I felt bothered by your answer, sorry" I hit send. Of course, love is so blinding. The fact that I'm carelessly sending him this shows that I'm too desperate, that I let it control my actions. I stared at my screen, waiting for him to respond to me. I started to become impatient.

*Online* 

"It's fine" he responded, then went back offline. Of course, I made another stupid move probably, explaining my feelings to people who don't care. Or maybe I was making it all about myself, another wrong move. I sighed and thought about what I should type next. 

"I don't know if it's too much to ask, but I don't want it to be awkward between us, is it fine if I talk to you whenever?" I hit send again. Another move I'm making, and I do it without thinking twice about it. I want to think more about it before I do something, but just being close to him makes me feel even more desperate, even if I'm hurting myself in the process, I want to keep trying until he gives in... if he ever does that.

"I don't mind" he responds, going back offline again. I'm starting to get tired of the dry responses, but... I'm still attached to the idea. My will to protect myself from making a fool out of myself only continues to clash with how desperate I am when I think about him. 

I laid down on my bed and put my hands on my thighs. The more I get comfortable on this bed, the more it forces me into thinking about him in ways that I can't describe myself. I can't tell if it's temporary, or I'm starting to crave this feeling. Other people start liking someone with the thought of romance in mind, but I can't help but crave physical touch. 

The more I continued to rub my thighs with the palms of my hand, the more it made me emotional. I didn't just want any type of love, I wanted something emotional. I wanted it to mean something, not just to mess around and move onto another person. I want someone who will come after me and craves the same things I crave. 

It made me emotional because, he doesn't care about me, but I'm the one on my bed thinking about him, wanting him to grab me and kiss me, hold me at night while I fall asleep. And most importantly, I want him to embrace my flaws. This is the only time I can think about all of this without convincing myself that I shouldn't be thinking like this. 

But now... I feel too into it to forget about it now. I turned to my phone and looked at it, reading his name. I want him right now more than ever, I'd let him do whatever he wants to me, even if it's just one night. I grabbed my thigh tighter, I wanted him to grab me, I wanted him to hold my hands against the bed while I hold his. 

I sighed and grabbed my phone, turning on the bed and trying to stop myself from thinking like this. It's common, I've done it so many times before and I can't help it. Why? I've never experienced it before, and it makes me curious, it makes me desperate especially after seeing how I'm the only one left out, I feel like a leftover in society.

I don't know how I'll continue from now on... maybe I could convince him... maybe if I keep trying.

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