Just me venting

Life.

TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND MENTIONS

I don't feel the want to live anymore. I used to want to stay on this Earth, make the most of this life I've been given, have a family and kids and a partner that I love so much, but it all seems dull now. I used to fantasize about having a husband, 3 kids, and a big house. Now all I want to do is sleep. Sleep, or look into darkness forever. I don't know what death is like. Maybe it's what I've imagined, darkness for a while, and then start a new life. Or maybe I'll go to hell, like my mom says, or heaven like my dad says. Or maybe I'll just never see anything again. Who knows, honestly? I don't care anyway. I just don't wanna be trapped in this cycle of hope for happiness, only for it to be ripped away from me. I have nothing that makes life worth it. Exen can live without me, they have Scratch and Addison and Max. They all have each other, and they'd get over my death in a year or less. I don't even want to live to see where my relationship goes. I don't wanna see if it's successful, and we love each other for the rest of our lives, or if we break up or whatever. If I died tonight, I'd be fine with it. But I won't kill myself. I can't, it's selfish of me to take away one of my friends' friends, or to take away Max's partner, or to take away my parents' son. So I'll just see where it goes. I'll continue living until I die naturally.