World War 4: Sticks and Stones

Ben: Part Eight

What does it mean to die? Death has been all around me since my childhood. It has defined my very being, my reason for existence. It encapsulates the energy that I have felt since the very day that I saw a man kill thousands for nothing, but hatred. Yet, with all of that death, I still did not understand its meaning- until the day that I died. I understood in my very last living moments that I was dying. My humanity was being stripped from me as if it were the feathers of a chicken. It was being sucked slowly, yet instantaneously. The moment that Peter reached out his hand for me was when the bullet pierced my chest. It left me kneeled over, dying. I thought that I could still be saved, but then a young child who I knew deep in my heart was the remaining essence of my dear Eliza ran to me, and took a dagger to my head and sliced deep into the tissue and muscle until I had died. When she spoke to me, "Father, all I want to do is look at you," I finally understood what death was. If life is the act of living, then death is the void of life. I died not because my heart stopped beating, or my brain stopped sending messages to my muscles, but because I was not alive anymore. I was not human. I was a thing. I was no more alive than the sticks and the stones, or the clouds in the sky. I was dead because at Destiny's loving words, I felt nothing. Her love was just dust at my feet to me. If anything, it was more of an annoyance than a reassurance. She loved me, but why? How was my existence something to love. It meant nothing. I meant nothing. If I had no fate, then I had no reason to be here. My heart slowly, but surely slowed itself. I tried to feel something, but all I could feel was the lack of feeling. I wanted nothing. I needed nothing. My life was devoted to killing Peter. It was what I had to do, but now no one wanted me to. He had kept these people alive. He saved them. I couldn't kill him for that, could I? The answer had to be no. In my dying heart, it had to be no, but as my heart slowed, my no stopped being a no. I had nothing if I didn't have this. I had nothing, if I couldn't kill Peter. But he kept these people alive. My heart beat once. He saved them. It beat once more. I couldn't kill him for that, could I? It beat again. But I will. It stopped beating. With that, I died. I became a thing driven by not even a rage, but a need. I needed to kill Peter, it was all that I had. If I didn't, then Eliza died for nothing. She could not die for nothing. I didn't care if it was right, I didn't care if Eliza was looking down at me with love or disgust. I needed Peter dead.

I looked at his hand again. Destiny looked at me with love. I looked at her with nothing. I stood without Peter's help. In one swift motion, I grabbed the empty gun from his other hand and pulled it from him. Never losing eye contact, I pinned it against his neck. "You killed Eliza! You killed her!" I yelled this as all he could do was mutter. There was nothing that I could understand. I pushed harder as he became blue. Destiny ran at me to push me away. Without thinking, I pulled away from Peter and slapped the gun against Destiny's young face, sending her flying. This was enough time for Peter to run from my grip. "If I don't kill you, Eliza died for nothing!" He looked at me with sad eyes as I cornered him against another wall. As he was grimacing, I could finally understand what he was saying: "she already did." I tried to slam the gun against his neck again, but he ducked away. He found a stick from the ground and half-swung it at me in attempt to make me lose my balance. It did not work. I kicked him in the groin sending him backwards in pain. In the next move I threw him downwards into the ground. As he was struggling to get up, I hit him as hard as I could with the gun. "This is for the people you slaughtered!" I hit him again. "This is for the children you maimed!" Now he was barely moving except to turn to the side to spit up blood. "This is for my Father!" I hit him again. "This is for El..." Before I could hit him again, I felt a sharp pain in my head as my eyes went dark. Before I fell, I heard the thud of a stone hit the floor. Next came me tumbling down. When I woke, I found myself in a makeshift cage on the floor. Next to me was a bench with my daughter. "You're awake?" "I suppose that I am." She looked at me with complete sadness. "Dad, you have to move on. Our life is different now. We can do something that changes the world, and you are still stuck on this man, who is no worse of a man than any of us." Through my bloodied teeth, I growled, "but Eliza." She was starting to get annoyed. "Peter did not kill her. She killed herself, it's nobody's fault." She didn't realize. She didn't realize that Peter killed her. She thought it was a suicide. It was never a suicide. "You don't understand! He killed her! The only reason that she died is because of my fate." She paused. "I don't understand." "I am alive because I have to kill Peter. It's my fate. I have no choice." Her annoyance turned to anger. "Fate is just a lousy excuse for terrible actions." "My knife killed Eliza, but she would never have died without Peter." "Your knife?" "Yes!" I was frustrated at this point. She couldn't understand why Peter killed Eliza. "I stabbed her through the heart because he created my fate, so Peter has to die. I had no choice. I know I am no better than the enemy! I know this! But without Peter, Eliza would still be alive." Her eyes of anger turned to sadness. "You. You killed my mom?" "NO! Peter did! Peter! He has to die for this. He created me. He created this. This is my fate." "You have no fate!" I started to scream. Everything in my being shattered. I had no emotion except for hate. Peter created me. Peter created this version of Peter. I could not be anything more than I was. I was nothing more than the enemy.

"Just let me kill him. That's all I need." "No." This circle went on for hours. "Just let me kill him. That's all I need." "No." Then we would sit in silence for a few moments. Eventually Destiny finally decided to talk to me. "Tell me about mom. What was she like?" At those words I felt my heart murmur just slightly. I was just barely alive again. I forced a smile. "She, Destiny, she was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She was full of life, full of knowledge, but most of all, she was full of love. She cared so deeply for me. Too deeply. I remember one day, years and years ago, your mom and I were in our old bunker and she had just stolen an old book from this man, and boy did we run. We ran like the wind, Destiny, like there was no tomorrow. If we hadn't gotten away, I truly believe that we would still be running. But Destiny, the fact that she stole a book isn't why this memory lives so deeply in my heart, but it's why she stole this book. She had a friend whose brother had just died that day. That brother loved that book with all his heart until the day that he died. He could nearly recite it from memory, but as was so much else, that book was lost in the bombings. Her friend wished one thing: he wished that he could read that book to his brother again, just one last time, so he did. But he never would have without the love in Eliza's heart. I wish I could see love like that again, Destiny. Love that would do anything to heal a broken heart." After I reminisced, I sat with my murmuring heart and Destiny's hand in mine. We were both now on the floor. I was nearly in tears, and Destiny was much further gone than I could ever have been. "I could give you that love again, dad." My heart broke. I did not deserve to have Destiny's love. I would never deserve it again. "Ok." That word was all that I could muster from my weakened heart. I had died for hours, but somehow, I was revived, even for just a moment.

We sat for hours in that cell in complete and utter silence. I just admired her soul. She had Eliza's eyes, her hair, her heart. She had my face and my nose, but not much else. I was happy that she was more Eliza than me because in some way it felt like she was alive again. It felt free, it felt calm. It felt like life. By the end of the day, Destiny offered to let me out of the cell, but I declined. I told her that I would spend the night and that I wanted to be alone or with her at that moment. Alone was dark, damp, and desolate, but it felt warm in a way that I hadn't felt since I was in the bunker with Eliza. That night, I dreamt of her. I dreamt of her skin, her body, her hair, her eyes. I dreamt that her lips pressed against mine and locked together. I dreamt that in that kiss, I could feel every single emotion radiate from her into me. I felt love, or whatever I thought could be love. Everything was perfect, but there was a cloud in the distance. It was light at first, but it grew heavier and darker. It was almost a blood red color. As it grew closer, there was thunder and lightning. I held her still and kissed her like I had, but her wet lips were drier and drier as the cloud came closer and closer. Soon enough, the cloud was overhead mocking me. The rain I had seen from the distance grew to be like hail, but instead of ice, the precipitation was pellets of mangled flesh and blood. I opened my eyes to see a long dead corpse of my love kissing me in return. I woke in a pool of cold sweat. It had to mean something. It had to. I knew that it had to. The blood red cloud, the flesh, the blood, the death. It was all things that I had seen before, but to me, what stood out was the kiss. Her death was love. It was never Peter. My fate was wrong. I could not love because love killed Eliza. I killed her to save her. I finally could understand what love meant. It was an unbreakable vow of protection. It was the ability to do whatever was necessary to protect the wellbeing of the individual. Love was beautiful, but it was also evil because without love, I would have never tried to maim Peter. It was always out of love for Eliza. I was always trying to get revenge on Peter. Without love, I would never have let my fate determine that Eliza must die. I was simply protecting her from witnessing what I had to do. I smiled at this revelation and yelled to the ceiling. "You were wrong Eliza! I understand love! I love you! I love you Eliza!" And then I thought of Destiny's words, "I could give you that love again, dad." I could not let her love me. If she is to protect me from killing Peter out of my love for Eliza, then she will try to kill me thinking that it will protect me from myself, and she will fail because my fate is to kill Peter. At this revelation, I was no longer smiling.