Rift

Four

The air is brisk and lightly stings Runa's unprotected cheeks. She angrily upturns her collar and sets on a fast pace down the street.

She continues like that, walking, feet heavy. Not thinking anything besides shit, shit, shit. She doesn't know where she's walking; she didn't leave the apartment with a destination in mind. She happens upon a park and enters. She stands in the middle of a grass field and slowly turns, looking at all of the different people.

Not one of them was alone.

She looked at the elderly couple walking as if they had all the time in the world. She looked at the gaggle of teenage girls laughing. She looked at the mother pushing a double stroller. She looked at two people sharing a kiss under the willow tree near the pond.

Everybody had someone, no one stood alone. Runa looked in on these people's lives with a burning jealousy. When was the last time that someone held her hand or laughed along with a joke with all of their might? She lets out a hesitant laugh.

Looking up at the sky she laughs a bit louder.

It was too funny for her.

She looks back at her life now. She was always the one content not to have someone in school; she was fine with being the third wheel, the lone ranger. It never bothered her much to see all of her friends dating and loving while she watched on from the sidelines. All of the people she dated and was friends with eventually left, each with one of these two excuses:

'You're too clingy.'

Or

'You're too distant.'

When they left it hurt.

Anything she tried had only driven the people she cared about far away. When she tried giving all of her attention they left. When she tried giving them space they left. Pretty soon she gave up on having special relationships with people; she immersed herself in school and work. Sure she had friends, but she belonged to no one. When they left it didn't hurt. She didn't cry anymore. People liked her and she liked them, it was simple now. She got on harmoniously with them, and when they would eventually part ways it would be harmonious as well.

So why now? Why now is she suddenly craving what she had given up on? She supposes it was only a matter of time; her jealousy had been steadily growing over the past few years. The prospect of having this girl only awakened her desire.

Runa didn't notice it but her laughing was now outright loud.

Her chest hurt a dull throbbing pain. Her throat hurt a sharp static pain. Her stomach hurt a rumbling angry pain.

Her eyes hurt, her hands hurt, her feet hurt.

All different kinds of pain stemming from the one thought coursing through her mind: I am lonely.

She keeps laughing, at what she isn't sure. Probably how pathetic she's become, how sad and empty. She doesn't want to need someone, she doesn't need to be wanted by someone. So why does it hurt so much when she thinks of living a life void of that? How many years has she been able to live this way?

Her laughter was a product of years of suppressed desires.

Runa realizes now that this isn't something new.

She's always wanted this, but at a young age convinced herself that she'd never had it. Why did she do that to herself? Why did she deny herself this basic joy? She shouldn't have given up. She should've kept going, kept trying. Maybe she wouldn't be so messed up now. Maybe she'd be able to make friends now. Maybe she'd be able to do something besides make excuses.

She won't make excuses anymore.

No, now she's going to take what she wants, what she knows she deserves. She'll have that girl, she'll make the girl hers. She'll be needed and wanted.

Even with this new resolve she still hurts. She feels tears come through her laughter. Is she now crying for the years she spent cold to other people? Is she crying for herself? Does she deserve to do that, she did bring this upon herself.

A hand touches her shoulder, ripping her from her internal monologue.

"Are you alright, miss?" A man with a pretty little girl hanging on his arm looks at her with a slightly scared expression. She immediately throws his hand off of her shoulder, violently turning away.

"Don't touch me!" she yells, drawing the attention of more passerbys than had been looking at her when she'd been laughing. She runs out of the park and down the street, bumping into people left and right.

She ducks into a café and stops to catch her breath. She laughs quietly for a minute. She feels better, reenergized. She forgets all about how much her body was hurting a few moments ago. All that's on her mind now is that she won't be alone anymore. All that she thinks about is how happy she is to have someone. She orders and pays for a coffee all while smiling wider than a plus sized models hips.

It does occur to her that the girl could say no, but that hardly matters now. Runa has decided that she wants the girl, and she'll have her no matter what. Even if she has to force her it'll be okay. She finishes her coffee and starts the walk home. The first half she's still smiling, then she fully goes over her thoughts. She frowns, why is she acting this way?

Her checks redden in embarrassment for how she acted in the park. The redness deepens when she remembers her plan to keep the girl at all costs.

Runa does agree with herself that she was lonely, but was she really lonely enough to act so eccentric? She looks at her hands in disbelief. Maybe she should see a doctor. Her behavior regarding this girl has been downright crazy. It's probably just stress from work.

She's nearing her apartment building now; she takes a deep breath and composes herself. Though she is still frightened by her behavior she won't let it cloud her judgment.

She enters the building, fearful that the people milling about the lobby somehow know about her recent behavior. From last night up till now she hasn't been herself, but these people can't tell that by looking at her, right? No, that's absurd.

Even so she quickens her pace as she heads towards the elevator. She spends the ride up calming herself and making a single promise to no one in particular: if she refuses the offer she'll let her go.

Resolved in this matter Runa heads to her apartment door. She takes a deep breath before she opens the door.

Inside she looks for the girl, but sees no sign of her. A sigh escapes her lips. Of course she left, what was she thinking even proposing something as crazy as that?