This might come off so suddenly but I actually planned on saying this to you last time we met (last last Friday). I couldn't find the perfect timing to open it up since that day was so packed, we watched and walked for like the majority of the day. So I ended up telling this to you, here.
I know it would be better if we talk about this personally but I don't know when we'll meet again (I'm also bad at explaining, especially since this is a serious matter, so I'm writing it instead). I hope you understand.
The burden I've been carrying from keeping this secret from you is killing me, so here I am.
This is my attempt at telling you everything I know about that thing.
First, I want to apologize for keeping the truth from you, my mind kept telling me that it'll hurt you much more if it came from me, instead of the person who was actually responsible for everything.
That person opted to tell a lie just so he doesn't hurt you too much. Even I agreed to this at some point. I thought that it would be better this way, I was afraid of the consequences it would have on you because if the truth hurt me, then it would hurt you even more; much more than I can probably imagine.
But my mind isn't in peace. It keeps telling me that the false truth you've been told to live with is just going to hurt you tenfold in the future. So I have decided, although I'm not the right person to tell you this, you still deserve to know what actually happened. Plus, that person definitely has no plans on confessing anything any time soon.
I don't know how I'll explain everything properly, if I even can.
Do you remember the first time both you and I met R? That day, your relationship with him got revealed. The relationship that he threateningly told me not to tell anyone about. That day as well, a whole other story got revealed. A hurtful and resentful one.
I don't exactly remember how it happened, but I do remember telling him, together with Erlyn and Phoebe, to break up with you and tell you the truth.
He, Ivan, Erlyn, Phoebe, and I were in the other room (at A's house). There I learned that R's friends (I'm guessing you probably know who those classmates are) knows about the foolishness he's been doing. And yet, none of them dare to educate R.
Riza, the thing is, everything that guy had shown you weren't sincere. It was all fun and games for him, in his own words he said, "trip trip lang". We asked him why he even thought of playing with you and he explained that he didn't expect you would actually go with it. He said he was planning on cutting the act a few days after he said that "ligaw" thing, but things happened. You happened to tell me about the whole thing and according to his story, he said he couldn't tell the truth anymore. I figured it's why he told us not to tell anyone about your relationship with him.
I remember you excitingly telling me that you'll meet up with him the next day to go to the INC museum. We were expecting that day because he promised. He promised that he'll confess everything and end the foolishness he's been doing to you.
But guess what? after asking you what happened that day, all your messages read about how grateful you are for him, how you understand and appreciate him, and how you've had a deeper understanding of his worries.
This is what pushed me to talk to him and force him to end it with you. I'm sorry, I feel terrible for pretending that I just learned about your break-up during that call we had. I'm also sorry that I agreed with him making a cover-up story just to make your break-up less painful. I just can't imagine you learning that the guy you've been admiring so much is deceiving you.
I'm also very sorry because I felt like I also deceived you in some way. Pretending that I don't know anything and refusing to tell you the truth.
(Now that I'm rereading what I wrote, I think I explained this poorly. Point is, R hid the truth that he was not serious with the relationship and I decided to turn a blind eye for the sake of not hurting you. Terrible mistake, I'm really deeply sorry.)
I'm still somewhat glad you cut him off your life though. Because I cannot imagine you being together with a person hiding under a cover. Riza, that guy hides a lot of kababuyan in him that I'd rather not tell for the sake of his dignity.
I don't know any other way to tell you this so I'm sorry for being formal and confessing this through here (unfortunately, I suck at confrontations). I love you Riza and I'm sorry for taking this long to gather up the courage. I'm hoping that you've moved on from him by now so that this will just feel like a terrible memory to remember back.
This is me trying to own up to the terrible decisions I made. I wanted to prevent you having another guy that will question yourself. I thought that that decision was just a white lie, a false comfort. But I realized that it was a lie to cover up his imbecility. Again, I'm sorry Riza.
This is becoming too long now but I wanted to say, I read your journal. I really admire you for being a passionate person, whether it be for career or for love. Hoping for a mentally and physically healthy college life for you! I'm just one message away if you need a crying/ laughing shoulder (if that's even a thing). You've become such an important person to me over these years so I wanted to be honest with you about everything, after all, friends don't lie. Love you. :)
(The words at the bottom of the screen says 1034 words and I remembered the time we were forced to write 500-word essays, and we'd complain so much. Just felt the need to say this to lighten up the mood, oh look it reached 1073 words now)
