Metanoia

Chapter 15: Her Past is the Truth that Caged Her

"Nell, you better retire that bottle. You've been drowning yourself in gin since the babe was gone. It's ruining you."

Eleanor pulled the gin bottle away from her lips, wiping with the back of her ungloved hand the excess liquor dripping to her chin as she considered her husband.

"I want Johanna back," she said simply while the thought of also wanting Benjamin back, she kept to her own mind. The series of the miseries destroying her will for life happened in a flash. She had just gotten Ben to appreciate her; maybe even love her before he was immediately banished away. And now, his poor baby too. Her hands were back again to the bottle but Albert snatched it away from her before she could take another swig.

"You know there's nothing we can do about it. You've offered the judge everything we have—everything, Nellie—and there's nothing more to offer. If you insist on it, we'll have both our businesses ruined and us two paupers in the street," he replied matter-of-factly but there was a creeping hint of pity in his voice she could only attribute to her misery. "There's nothing more that can be done now, Nell. Come, I'll help you to bed."

The sleep that claimed her, however, was not long; barely giving reprieve to the horrid memories she so wanted to escape. Her heart has been dusted—the wind carrying figments all the way to Australia; to her lover. Her soul was barely there; she wondered what else was there inside her shell for her to be considered a woman living a life?

When Benjamin was sent away, she barely knew what to do with herself. The only thing that kept her going was her promise to look after his child until his return. She did it would so much gusto; devoting herself to his child as she did to him while Lucy wasted away.

When Lucy murdered herself, she could not do much thinking. The only thing she knew was she could finally keep Johanna for herself; a token of Benjamin's love now solely hers to keep. Albert was not entirely pleased that night she pranced to their room with Johanna in her arms, settling the babe in the middle of their bed to sleep. But he soon cottoned on to the idea of raising the child—even bringing down the babe's crib to their bedroom and buying milk when she asked him to.

The three of them settled into a routine as she deluded herself to accept them as substitutes of her dream family: Albert, her husband, a substitute for Ben, the love of her life whom she still dreamed she could be with upon his return. And Johanna, a replacement for the child she could not have but she so deeply craved for.

God damn Turpin for taking Johanna away—snatching the babe from her very arms; effectively robbing her of her dream of being a mother.

Her eyes fluttered open at quarter past three. Unable to lull herself back to slumber with myriad of thoughts hovering over her head, she stayed still in bed until Albert stirred awake by her side, his heavy arm draped by her waist squeezing her closer to him.

"Don't you get your heart so sick with the lost babe, Nell. When you feel better maybe we can try again and make our own, hmmm?" He placed a sloppy kiss to her mouth. "What do you say?" He continued kissing her jaw when she barely moved, not returning any of his affections. "Are you feeling better now?" His hands were already traveling down her hips when she shoved him off her.

"No, Albert. I don't think so." She allowed him one more kiss to the lips before turning away on her side. "At least not yet."

"Very well then. I better open the shop to have money for the little one you so wanted to have." He left her to her own devices; already giving up on his failed attempts to convince her to tend to her own shop.

Her thoughts went swirling back to Johanna—of what could be had she the chance to raise her as her own. Was there really no chance to get her back? "You've offered the judge everything we have and there's nothing more to offer." Albert's words came ringing back. Was there nothing else left? Her thoughts drifted to Lucy—Johanna's birth mother who never acted as one. If it was her, what would else would she give to get her daughter back? Probably none. She bitterly remembered how the pathetic woman had done nothing but to cry, got herself violated by the judge and had nothing to show for it but her pitiful death. Instead of being forced, she would have offered the Turpin her body in exchange of Benjamin's freedom!