Diary of a Dead Man

10 - 17 - XXXX

"What do you mean you don't remember me? I was always there for you no matter what. We would always hang out together. All of this... just for you to forget me? Forget all the memories? How about I show you the place where all the memories happened? Because I know for a fact that you buried your camera."

STOP.

"Or how about we go back to the tree? You know, the one with the rope? I know you want to. Like a little rat, you'd do anything to crawl back to it. Just like how you wanted to crawl back to how things used to be. Pretending like that all never happened. You KNOW why they don't talk to you anymore. You just don't want to own up to it because you still see everything through a fantasy world lens. GIVE IT UP. You are NEVER going to see us again."

...

10 - 17 - XXXX

I woke up so violently and out of breath this morning that I thought I was dying. It felt like a panic attack mixed with sleep paralysis the way that I felt – just tied down to my bed jerking and writhing in disgusting pain. My bones ached so badly after that... I still feel it. Anyway... I'm glad POLLY let me stay home today; it's much less about the amount of work that I had missed from school, but more so about how these past two days have been. It feels like my energy has been sucked from my soul from these strange occurrences...

These are probably the worst of my episodes. I'm really just hoping that they're episodes. A few years ago they just started suddenly and I don't exactly know why. I mean, even POLLY treats me differently than she did before they started occurring... I'm starting to wonder if there was something else that happened that I don't recall. Maybe...

Less of that, though. I'd like to reminisce on how this day played out despite its drastic beginning. That and I don't want to get out of hand with my thoughts. Sometimes when I do that I remember things that I don't really want to have remembered! Like the fact that I still think that I have friends and they're going to come back to me one day– FUCK. No. No more of that. Let's get started, shall we?

The stray that I had picked up yesterday seems to have adjusted well to this old house. When I woke up, it was just laying next to me curled up in a tight little ball. Poor kitty must have been in ownership of someone else before it ended up on the streets. Its breathing was steady and was experiencing a good dream, which I picked out by how subtly it was twitching. I also took some time to figure out its sex and found that it was in fact a he. My knowledge of flora and fauna comes in handy sometimes, I guess.

I also tried looking for any indication of having a nametag, but he did not. He must've lost his collar while going through trials in the great outdoors. It doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I kind of like calling him STRAY! Sounds very macabre, but still kind of cute in a weird way. He seems to like it as well, so I don't think I'll be changing it.

I practically ended up passing out on my bed last night after getting home from the bullshit I endured while out there. I didn't even eat anything; the nausea was just too overwhelming from the first occurrence of my stomach dropping to my feet. Nothing even sounded good. Even the thought of food when I woke up this morning left a bad taste in my mouth. I did end up having a light smoothie, though. Smoothies are some of the only things that I'll have on a bad morning. Eating in the early hours does make me a bit nauseous, though, so I carry this ritual for every day, except a cereal bar accompanies it. Solid foods just didn't sound good this morning...

The clothes on my back were still from yesterday when I woke up. I rarely ever do that, but I guess it's fine for just one day, right? I'm sure STRAY didn't mind... After I had finished my smoothie, I went to go take a shower as I had been sweating all throughout the night. Before I did that, though, I grabbed a light sheet to hang over the mirror in my bathroom. It's better that I don't see my reflection.