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CHAPTER FIFTEEN ━━━ GRIEF IS LOVE PRESERVING
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December 31st, 1983 ━ January 1st 1984
It's crept out of remission again. The old haunt of grief. It's here. It never really left ━━ it never will. Grief will always be dormant.
Sydney's different to how she was. More jaded. She looked different, too. Thanks to the blunt blade of some kitchen scissors, her hair was now choppy and uneven around her chin. She was starting to look too much like Christine, the longer her hair grew down her back. She had to do something about that ━━ Sydney couldn't stomach looking in the mirror and having a dead woman stare back at her.
What Sydney didn't realise was that she could bludgeon her hair all she wanted, but with every sever and cigarette, she was subconsciously becoming more Christine by the day. Mother was in the tar in her lungs ━━ a parasite making it harder to breathe. Mother was in the stoicism and Sydney trying to render herself to nothing. Mother was skipping meals, and the bitterness of black coffee making an already raw throat sore, and she was the bile, and she was the ache. Eat, Sydney. Eat your heart out. Christine wasn't the heart. Christine was the shrinking stomach.
No amount of hair barbarism can help Daughter escape Mother.
Father watched Daughter succumb to Mother's love (or vengeance) and felt like a failure. He will never be able to compete with the dead woman Daughter saw in the mirror.
Matt noticed that Sydney had gotten worse since Christmas Eve. Her smiles didn't quite reach her eyes and she'd toy with the mushrooms atop of pizzas and barely indulge in more than one slice. Toby wasn't around as much, either. He'd call, sometimes. They'd talk, they'd laugh, but it was like they were both yelling into echo chambers, and neither were really hearing what the other was saying. Sydney would be around for the kids ━━ especially Will. It was like she felt responsible for him, and clung to his willowy frame like she'd throw herself in front of a bullet for him. And when she was, she'd smile for them, and it'd seem all OK, because Sydney was nothing if not a performer ━━ she got that from Christine. (She got a lot from Christine). But Sydney was transparent to Matt. Just like Chris had been.
