I'm Sort of Okay with This

Eight: Ian

I didn't tell my parents what happened with Cheyenne. Abby had managed to distract me from the pain for a little while, but it all flooded back as soon as she left. The sounds of Cheynne in the bathroom with Rafe replayed in my head a bloody, gut-wrenching horror movie scene. Almost like when I fell off my bike. I could still hear the crack of my bone snapping when I hit the concrete, the jolt of agony, the scream flying from my mouth.

Except no one came running this time. No one helped me off the ground and dusted off my clothes. No one told me I would be okay. Not even my mom.

The next day at school, I stayed away from Rafe and everyone else on the baseball team. Even James. I dreaded the rumors in the hallways. I knew the places Rafe and those guys hung around, so I avoided them like wet floor signs. The shame nipped at my heels. Everyone's eyes pricked the back of my neck.

James found me after second period outside of my physics class. I hadn't told him about what happened. Talking about girls with your guy friends was kind of taboo. I didn't think he would make fun of me, but I didn't want to burden him with my problems.

"Hey," he said. He jogged toward me. "Where were you this morning? Are you alright?"

I must've looked like a car accident, and smelled even worse. I hadn't done my laundry and was wearing the same clothes as yesterday. I hadn't showered, either.

"Yeah," I said. "I'm fine. I was a little late. I had a doctors' appointment," I lied. Side by side, we strolled down the hall. I kept my head down.

"My ass," James said.

"What?"

"Nothing. Never mind."

"What did you say?"

"I said my ass. Bullshit. I don't believe you."

"Why not?"

"I know about Cheyenne. I saw her with Rafe this morning."

I looked at my shoes.

"I understand if you're upset, dude. You're allowed to be upset," he said.

"I'm not upset. We probably would've broken up soon anyway."

He stared long and hard at me. "Okay. Whatever you say, Ian."

We stayed together all day. He ate lunch with me, although my appetite had dissolved. He tried to get me to eat some of his potato chips, but I was uninterested, and asked if I wanted to hang out after baseball practice. I told him I couldn't. My motivation for anything had flown out the window.

"Oh god," I said. "Rafe's gonna be there."

"Shit," James muttered. We sat outside the school on the front steps. Clouds hung above our heads. This was the first time I'd ever spent lunch anywhere other than the cafeteria. It was nice to get away from the endless chatter for once, to not be a part of it.

"How the hell am I supposed to practice with him?"

"Look, just ignore him. If he gives you a hard time, don't react."

I nodded. "Guess I'll have to try."

I did as James said, keeping my distance from Rafe at practice. He shot glances at me, which I dodged.
I played poorly again, since my mind couldn't have been further from baseball.

I went home after practice and took a long shower. I would've stayed in longer, but Colin banged on the door and yelled at me to come out because he had to pee.

As I lay alone in my room, I thought of Cheyenne. I assumed I would call her after getting out of the shower, but then I remembered she wasn't my girlfriend anymore.