Sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder why I am the way that I am.
Why are my thoughts so intrusive at the worst times?
Why do I think of all of the worst things, even when I know that they'll never happen?
Why is it that I find myself dreaming of things in my past that I vowed to never think of again?
Why do I decide to write it all out for someone to possibly see later on when the last thing I want is for my thoughts to be invaded?
I can't even handle them being invaded to me, when they're my own thoughts. It hurts too much.
Sometimes they're too happy and they send me spiraling into this desperate wasteland of wishing and wanting more of that serotonin inducing happiness that always seems just out of reach.

I'm Alex, I'm 20 years old and this is my story. Written here for only myself, or maybe someone else will see this blog and relate in any way possible. I hope it helps, if that's the case.

My life is pretty normal, I can't complain too much, yet somehow I find a way.

My family and I moved from Essex, UK to Baltimore, Maryland. Not the actual city, just a suburb, but I claim Baltimore. It's easier to explain to those who don't know the area.
I was seven years old when we moved, but I don't forget much in Essex as my family and I visit quite often. 
Life in Baltimore is good. I've got my three best friends who I've had since high school. Jack, Rian and Zack.
They're good people, genuine through and through and I know they've always got my back and my best interest at heart.

Still, there's days where I'm absolutely consumed with this grief, this sadness, this longing, this desperation for more than I've got.
Feeling like that often makes me feel selfish. There are so many people in the world who would kill to have just a sliver of what I do. 
A roof over my head, loving parents who are still happily married, two places to call home, food in my stomach, a warm bed, clean clothes...
Yet I still complain. Why is that?
Why can't we as human beings ever truly just be happy for the things that we do have, instead of longing for what we don't have and what we possibly can never get?

Make it make sense, because I sure can't.

Sometimes I write my feelings down in the form of poetry, hoping that people will understand, but just enough to not truly get the way I'm personally feeling.
I feel irrelevant, and I feel temporary.

I'm not sure what to do with that feeling. It's scary sometimes.

My past isn't as nice as I make it out to be though, and I'm sure a lot of you can relate here.
See, I lost my brother and I'll spare you the details, it's not my story to tell, it's his and he can't, but I was twelve years old and it really hurt. I looked up to him, and while we didn't have that brotherly bond because of our age difference, I don't love him any less. It doesn't make his death hurt any less.
If anything, it makes it hurt worse. He never got the chance to see me grow up from being the annoying little brother who wanted to play videos games and watch Sonic and Pokemon all day. He could've been with me, taught me, showed me how things work in the real adult world, and we could've bonded and related over that, but that chance is gone now and it's something I can never get back.

Still, the memories of him aren't all bad. I can recall plenty of times where we'd spend the day together talking, or he'd watch my stupid cartoons with me, entertain me with Mario Party 64 on the Nintendo 64. 
Going outside and playing with the football or tossing a baseball back and forth.
It's just sad that the bad memories are the ones that impact me the most. I wish I could find a way to turn that around.

My therapist tells me that I'm doing a good job coping, but sometimes I don't believe her. If I was, surely I'd be able to find a better way to go through life, right?
I don't know.

I'm not even sure what the point of all of this rambling is.
Maybe I'll write more.
Maybe I'll turn this into a weekly blog kind of thing. Maybe I won't.
I tend to be forgetful.

In slightly better news, I'm doing good at my internship at the veterinarian office. I'm in school to become a vet. I love animals and I want to help them as much as I can.
In high school, I had a part time job at the animal shelter and being able to show those sweet little animals the love and attention they deserve really made me feel okay. All because I could make them feel okay.

The shelter is actually where I got my dog Blue. She's twelve years old, but she was nine when I got her. She's a blue nosed pit bull, seriously misunderstood dog breeds, mind you. She's my best friend and she was abandoned by her previous owners because of a tumor she had in her leg.
They just turned her loose outside of the shelter, didn't even bring her in.

I adopted her the second they removed her tumor and gave her the okay to go home. She's cancer free and in good health. She's my best friend.
If I could, I'd save every animal that I possibly can, but I live in my parents house and they were angry enough when I brought a pit bull home without consulting them.
They got over it though, considering she sleeps on my dad's lap when he's in his recliner despite the fact that she's way too big. He refuses to kick her off, though.
When my mom is cooking, she follows her around giving her puppy dog eyes, begging for scraps. Usually my mom cooks her dinner. Often it's chicken or fish, beef or pork and dog safe vegetables and grains.
Clearly, they weren't upset for too long. They baby her.

I write songs too, play in a little band with my friends I mentioned earlier.
No plans on making it more than just a hobby, but we've played for our friends before.
I like turning a lot of my poetry into music. 
I play the guitar, the piano and I'm not half bad on a drum set, but that's Rian's job so I let him handle that.

Music is really therapeutic, you know?
That's one topic I'm almost positive all of my readers, if there ever are any, can relate to.
Even if it's not something you're passionate about as much as I and many others in the world are, there's always at least one song that resonates with you, that's tied to a memory or tied to you and how you feel on the inside. A lot of times, I noticed that the songs that resonate the most with you are the ones that basically describe the way you feel without you being the one to say it. Like, when you play that song for someone else, it's a chance to let them decode you, to read you. Sometimes people gloss right over that fact, but each time someone shows me a song that they claim is their favorite or the song that they relate to the most, I take the time to pay attention, to deep dive into it. Even if I don't make it known that I hear them, that I understand, it's nice knowing that I can learn a little bit about them via the song that covers the way they feel on the inside and won't say out loud, or struggle to admit.

I'm not sure what else to say, I think I got it all out for now.

I'm going to go to bed. Maybe I'll see you all next week.

Much love, good vibes, and do your best to make it an okay week.

-Alex.