𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐄𝐕𝐄 - james potter

𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝘀𝗶𝘅

THE SLIVER OF HIS RINGS rushed like ice against me. The shades of him, the shades of me, they were interlaced within the heat of the candles, within the spines and spandrels. The library was empty and lifeless, all except for the whisperings of Regulus and I. It was always so easy to sneak in after hours, just a simple charm and silencing spell, at least in those days. The echoes of us only heard by us, his hand pulling mine, our eyes, our hearts, all travelled in silence.

We sat squeezed in-between one of the thin lines between bookshelves. The tattoo on his arm was free, and it pained him to look at it, so he was looking at me. His eyes were dragged by sleep, his hair in curls around him. I was bundled in a scarf with my makeup done, just for him. My baby doll eyes, my gentle smile. That night it was all for him.

His smile drooped and his eyes looked down to his lap. "You know that this isn't me. This tattoo, this family, this name."

"I know." I replied.

"I hate this, I hate meeting you in secret, seeing him in the halls and knowing that he hates me." He took hold of his arm, his thumb on top the snake. "I hate feeling this thing on me, I see it every day, feel it every day, at times I swear I can smell its stench."

I put my hand around his, feeling his knuckles in my palm and feeling the branding close to my flesh. My breath hitched within me. "Loving you is hard, knowing you is hard—but I would do anything for you and me. I swear it, Reggie. I would do anything to help."

There was a silence, it screamed I love you, from him to me. I saw his skin get paler, his body lose even more life, and I saw him grow in love. I could feel the books digging into me, the silence digging into me. The only thing soft was him and I. We burned in the cold.

"I know things that I shouldn't." He told me. "Really bad things that could get me in trouble, that could get you in trouble."

At that moment my eyes faltered. I remember the feeling of shrinking. The feeling of my heart completely sinking itself into whatever abyss had found its way inside me. "What things?"

He wouldn't tell me, he wouldn't even look at me.

꧁

THE BALLROOM WAS DARK and everything was dim. The boys and girls stood opposite each other in whisperings of smiles and crimson cheeks. The windows lead to nothing but brick, and the only light were the candles floating above in hues of blue. Everyone was like shattered glass to me, and I remember only one thing on my mind.

James was sandwiched between Remus and Sirius, he smiled lopsided at me, that unforgettable smile of his. We weren't facing each other, far from it. We were both in opposite corners, but we still managed to find each other nonetheless.

I don't think I loved James just quite yet. I don't know how I lived a life without loving him, and in a way, I believe I never really did. A life without a devotion, or a hunger for him wasn't one at all. But maybe I did love him then, just as wildly and beautifully as I do now. But maybe I didn't. I was timid, but I don't exactly remember myself timid. I remember moments, not myself. I remember him, her, them, but I never remember me.

Professor McGonagall was between the two waves of the student body. The floor and air were barren around her blackly dressed frame. I remember the feeling of that, but it was without word. She was younger, but not young. Her voice was of the same pitch as I believe it to be now, and I didn't know her as a woman within the ashes of Hogwarts. She was just simple.

When we got into pairs to dance, James beat all others to it. Before I could even move he was right in front of me, his eyes like the candles and his hand reaching for mine.

Our hands were so soft clasped in each other's. I could never forget the tickle of his flesh on mine, I could never forget the burn and the fizzle. I felt like I was going mad with him.

"I might step on your toes." I said shyly.

We got into position along the others, following McGonagall's instructions. Our left hands holding and his right palm on my back. He whispered in my ear. "Don't worry about it."

"Boys, step forward!" McGonagall called. "Left foot, Left foot. Girls back, right foot."

I heard some people collapse, some gasp and others laugh. I was completely focused on the placement of my feet. My eyes stuck to the ground. I could feel his breath on my cheek.

"Step right!"

"It Isn't that hard." He said.

I looked up at him with a grin, our faces were so close, and yet so far apart.

"No." I said. "Not hard at all."

"Put your feet together!"

For no reason at all, and in complete contrast to the mood I continued. "I think something really bad is going to happen, really soon."

He acted as if normal. We placed our feet together, but without any vision of them. I was looking up at him, he was looking down at me.

"Like what?" He asked.

Through the people and beyond James' shoulder, I saw someone, someone eyeing me so closely. It was a Slytherin called Avery. I could see his bright green tie, his thin lips and his venom eyes. The green stained. He had never looked at me before. Shivers went through my spine and my body. I looked back to the ground.

I knew that things were going to get worse at that moment. I knew of Avery, I knew of everyone. I knew that he hid the same tattoo as Regulus, I knew of his father before him. I knew, but I wasn't brave enough. I was never brave enough.

"Boys, left foot forward!" McGonagall called again. "Girls, right foot back."

I didn't know anything, and the pressure of Avery's gaze still stuck with me. I looked back, and he was elsewhere completely. I breathed shakily, but James didn't notice. "I don't know, it's just a feeling."

꧁

These times were the beginning of turbulence, the beginning of things greater than ourselves. We were so ill equipped, we knew nothing. There was something different in the air, and that's how I knew. The coldness was no longer beautiful, it was vile and cruel. The halls echoed to me all of a sudden, there was a blood-like silence.

I didn't see Regulus around, not even in the shadows. It was as if he pulled under by whatever force had been tugging at him for so long. I sat alone in the library, waiting for him to show. He never did. I wasn't upset by my loneliness, I was upset by his. Every second I thought of him and every moment I knew less of him. I didn't care much about what he knew, but I cared for the trouble. The idea of anything happening, to him or to me, was paralyzing in its entirety. I think back, and maybe if I had any care, or any curiosity to understand, to know more, maybe things wouldn't have been so disastrous. I always think this, I always do

James didn't speak of my premonitions, he acted as though I never spoke of them at all. Nothing about him changed. The halls didn't below around him, his air was clear and bright. Everything was like before and it was maddening. The world didn't change, only my questions of it, and not seeing Regulus made it even worse for me. I remember the confusion, the feelings without the facts. I was softly hysteric to nobody but myself. It seemed with every second away from him I wanted him more. Wanting him was a stabbing itch in my heart.