it's been exactly one week since I found out I was pregnant. I'm 2 weeks pregnant. I'm going to see baby Christensen for the first time. sadly, Hayden has to work so I'm going alone. this is my outfit
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Kenna and Harmony decided to come to my appointment. Laura is doing my appointment since she's the only doctor that will like to see me. I say, "Laura!" and she says, "Mrs. Christensen! congratulations on baby C!" I smile and say, "thanks. these are my sister's McKenna and Harmony." they say hello and we start the appointment. once she put the gel on my belly, she looked around for the baby. she says, "I need to speak to your sisters in the hall. I'll be back." and she pulled them outside. I turn the screen my way and I see that there's no heartbeat and that blood trickled down my leg. I was miscarrying. I turn the screen away from me and I start to get teary eyed. I put my dress down and get off the table. I open the door and say, "thank you, Laura. I'll be heading home to my husband now to tell him the news. thanks." McKenna grabs my hand and asks, "will you be alright?" I don't say anything. they escort me home and wait a while.
at home
Hayden got home from work an hour ago. I've been hiding in our bedroom. I heard him coming and I closed the door. I can't face him now. He says, "Hope, McKenna, Harmony. I know you're in there. can you please tell me what's going on?" Harmony opens the door and McKenna bends down to me and says, "tell him, sweet girl." she kissed my head and left our house with Harmony. Hayden goes to his side of the bed (which is what side I'm on) and he asks, "what happened?" I look at him blankly. I said, "something happened. I don't want to tell because I don't want to hurt you but at the same time, it's hurting me and I'd rather hurt with you than hurt alone." he puts his hand to my face and says, "you could never hurt me." I ask, "never?" and he smiles and says, "never baby. obviously you needed comfort because you go to my side when you want me." I say, "I went to the doctors today." and he says, "keep going. it's fine." and I say, "when I went to look at the baby at the screen, there was no heartbeat and I was bleeding down my leg." and he asks, "meaning what exactly?" and I say, "meaning that I had miscarried. Hayden, I lost the baby." he removes the blanket to see me still bleeding. he says, "baby. oh my god. it's okay, it's okay. I'll put the sheets in the wash while you get in the bath." he helps me up, ran my water and helped me in. I bring my knees to my chest and cried in the tub. I put my arm on the side of the tub and I rest my head on there. if there was a moment in time I needed Hannah, that moment is now. I say,
"Hannah. I know you're up there with mama and now I hope you watch over Hayden and I's little baby. I miscarried today. we didn't know the sex of the baby but I would like to think it was a baby boy since we have so many women in our family. but no matter the sex, I love my baby. I'm a mother without her baby. please, please. watch over our angel baby. they'll need their auntie Hannah and gamma. I love you, Hannah. I hope you're happy."
after my bath
I walked out in my towel and my husband is in our room and is on my side of the bed. he was waiting to comfort me. I walk into our closet and grab Hayden's sweats. I put my hair into two french braids and he asks, "are you alright?" I say, "I'm trying to be but I lost our baby. what about you? are you okay?" he smiles slightly and said, "I'm processing it. it just hurts me the most that you're hurting." and I say, "our little baby joins my mama and Hannah. they get to raise them and we didn't even get to know them for that long." he wraps me into a hug immediately and says, "you'll get a chance to be a mother. I know you will. I know your a mama bear without a baby. our baby will come to stay one day, my love." I put my hand where my bump was supposed to be. I said, "Laura called me and told me that after a few weeks, we can try again to get pregnant if we want, but I don't know." and he sits me down on his lap while I'm frozen. he says,
"the miscarriage wasn't your fault. you couldn't predict this was gonna happen. you know the possibilities. it's not uncommon. I love you. and if you need some time so you're ready to try again for a baby, you let me know and I'll be there with you to try to get back on the baby train. I'm not going anywhere. this isn't your fault."
I smile and say, "thank you. I love you so much." he smiles and says, "wanna sleep on my side tonight? it smells like my cologne and I know you like the smell when it's on my clothes." and I say, "in my defense, you like my perfume so don't turn the tables." he laughs, we put a movie on and he put his arm around me as we fell asleep. I say, "bubba?" he says, "I'm here." I chuckle and say, "I love you." "I love you so much more."
