Sonder {Sadie Sink}

a bonus one (irl)

Emily Matthews felt butterfly's in her stomach but not the good ones. Not the ones you get when you're all lovey dozy in love. The ones you feel when you're nervous, you're anxious, the ones you get when you have a bad feeling about something. That would be the best way to describe it. Emy had a bad feeling because she was in Atlanta again. The whole cast met up for the season four table read, this was something emy usually enjoyed but not now, not today. It was the first time she would see Sadie again and the only thing emy had to do was to finally come out of the bathroom, go inside the room where the table read would happen and that was it. She hadn't seen Sadie since their breakup, well, of course she kind of stalked her Instagram account to see what's been going on in her life but it was something different than seeing her, face to face.

Both of them hadn't seen or texted each other ever since, they tried but emy was sick of the small talk and both stopped to respond to the each other. It was the healthiest way, wasn't it ? Emy was sure it was or at least she hoped so. She was anxious, nervous but most importantly; she was still heartbroken. Since their break up Emily Matthews felt like someone were grabbing right into her chest, where her heart was and was crushing it, not enough that she would immediately die, but enough for it to hurt and it did hurt, a lot. She felt like she could burst out in tears any time. She tried to control her breathing, she was counting in her head '1,2,3,4' all over again. Emy can't quite remember when she came up with it, she has been doing it whenever she felt like she would start crying, she did it when her parents got a divorce, she did it when she was doing the chemistry read, she did it when her friendship with Maria fell apart and she was doing it right now.

Still this day emy didn't know where everything went wrong. Her relationship with Sadie seemed great, perfect, except for the point we're everything went down. She had no idea how Sadie and Maria came in touch, she didn't even knew if they knew each other before or after Sadie's new movie but whatever it is, it still hurt her. Maria and emy were really close friends back then, probably even best friends but Maria developed a personality emy couldn't keep up with. She got sick of all the secrets and lying and on the day she finally got the courage to talk with Maria about it, Maria confessed something to her. Something that kind of ruined emy's life. Maria told her that emy's girlfriend back then cheated on her with Maria and when emy quit their friendship after it, it's been literally a living hell.
Emy is sure that it wouldn't have been as bad as it was if Maria didn't knew every little secret emy had. After their friendship fell apart, Maria had nothing better to do then turning all of emy's friends against her and let's say there were many rumors of Emily.
And all this stuff wasn't new to Sadie, emy had told her everything about what happened between Maria and her, so it was way harder for emy to understand why Sadie seemed to be best friends with her. She couldn't understand anything that happened.
But she should be over her right ? It's been a year. But even if it's been a year, which Emily still didn't realised, she still finds herself looking at the old photos, remembering all the memories they made, remembering all the conversations, all their wishes and dreams. She even got the perfume Sadie had and sprayed it on her pillow when she fell asleep, pretending it was Sadie she was cuddling and not a stupid pillow. The thought that they could've had it all never got out of her head, that was something everyone said: that they could've hat it all, that they were perfect for each other, that they weren't as happy as they were when they were together. But Emy knew that she couldn't rewind time, things were like there were, she couldn't change it. She missed Sadie or to be exact: she missed the Sadie she knew. But what if Sadie has always been like that ? She would have noticed, wouldn't she ? Of course she would have, it's Sadie, her Sades. She caught herself calling Sadie by the nickname that she gave her, a lot of times, dozen of times, only to remember that she wasn't 'her Sades', not anymore. But after everything that happened, Emily wouldn't be surprised at all if Sadie and Maria would start dating eventually.