A Rockstars Motto (the brain on love) | Steddie

Emotional Whiplash

Being back in Hawkins felt heavier than going to Ohio. Robin would leave it alone for a few days after seeing him, but she would eventually want details. The kids will inevitably have a million questions, which is exactly why he lied and said his flight was delayed for a day.

A taxi carried him back to his apartment. He was exhausted and restless at the same time. Sleeping through the flight helped, but as he enters the apartment, their apartment, he wishes he hadn't slept the whole way. He wishes he could collapse there on the floor in front of the door and sleep until his heart wasn't broken anymore. Sleep won't come, Steve knows that, but he does collapse on the floor. With his back against the door, he scans what he can see of the apartment. Their bedroom door is open, he can see Eddie's vest hanging from the desk chair, Steve's textbooks open and scattered, Eddie's sheet music spilling over. Crates upon crates of records were stacked in the corner of the living room. One electric guitar beside a small amp. An acoustic guitar leaned up against the arm of the couch. Eddie's favorite blanket folded over the back. Their shoes mixed together on the rack. A fridge blanketed with concert stubs, photo booth strips, Polaroids, and love notes.

He doesn't know that he's hyperventilating until his head starts to feel light with the panic. Chest heaving with gasping breaths, Steve leans forward, sitting on his knees with his forehead pressed to the carpet. His chest aches with the force of his sobs, his eyes squeezed shut, his stomach clenching with each hiccuping cry. Everywhere he looks is a reminder of Eddie, and before today that would have been a welcoming sight. Wrapping up in Eddie's favorite blanket, which still smelled like him if Steve focused hard enough, running his fingers against the strings of his acoustic guitar. The one that Eddie would play every night before bed, sometimes playing around with his own lyrics, sometimes playing songs that he knew Steve liked. Now it was just a taunt, a painful reminder that Steve had sawed off this enormous piece of himself, the blood and the carnage painted on the walls.

The carpet is wet with tears when Steve finally picks himself up. He stands by the door with a hardened stare, his teeth pressed together so tight that they creaked. With determined steps, Steve grabbed the blanket off the couch and the guitar from beside it and carried them to the hall closet. He takes the extra sheets and the miscellaneous hangers and coats from inside, throwing them carelessly onto the hall floor. The electric guitar and the amp, the sheet music, the shoes, the pictures, left pillows, the green mug with the chip on the handle, the Star Wars bowl, the vest, the scrunchies in the bathroom, the stuffed lion on the tv stand, everything that makes his chest seize gets stuffed into the closet until he has to shove his shoulder against it to close it.

The apartment feels empty by the time he collapses back onto the couch, and he starts to wonder if purging his vision from every Eddie made his heartache better or worse. He can't erase the man from his life. He wouldn't want to if he could, but the sight of anything that Eddie has touched feels like the twisting of a knife.

Steve glanced at the landline hanging on the wall and a bitter chuckle escaped him as he thinks about all the times he's stared at that phone, waiting for Eddie to call while Eddie was giving himself over to strangers. Forcing his eyes to close, Steve lowers himself onto the couch. He curls his legs up, wrapping his arms around himself to stave off the chill in the apartment and he cries until his eyes run dry.

-

"Steven, open the door right now or so help-"

"Fuck off!" Steve yanked the door open and flinched back as Robin's fist came down for another set of skull-rattling knocks.

"Woah," the exasperation and annoyance on her face instantly melt into confused concern. Steve can only imagine what he looks like. He hasn't been able to look himself in the mirror for the three days that he's spent hiding in his apartment. A general text was sent to everyone who knew that he had gone to see Eddie, which was really only Robin, Dustin, and Max, but he's sure that they told others.