Mixture

Stress, Anxiety

4th grade was most surely the most ... extravagating.

It was about 2 weeks for the 4th grade to end. I was stressed about it because I was anxious I wont get to see her again.
We talked alot about family and friends.

If you didnt know I was a pretty decent drawer(sketcher) if that's the right word.

She asked me, "could you draw my brother a tank, he really likes tanks and I would be really thankful"
Me without hesitation immidiately started drawing the tank, suprisingly.. it looked amazing. I felt proud but I knew that feeling was wrong, sudden change of mind came upon me, I started overthinking, what if I never meet her again...who will I talk to.
I thought of and started getting emotional.
I      was getting
..... stressed

Soon enough,
Which felt like a second, we made some good memories together playing with paper and enjoying grade 4 at it's full extent.
It was fineally the day before grade 4 was over.. I overthought the whole day, which I regretted most, in a blink second, it was the last 10 minutes for the bell... for the end
I wanted to give her a letter... guess what
I was a coward and always was.. I hesitated ... got anxious and stressed... well... she was gone-  I felt a sharp stab in my heart,  desperately searching for help.. I stayed sitting till the whole school went home. Till then I realized..
I will always be a coward, I will never change..I hoped for the best for the next grade.
I was deeply anxious.

Grade 5:

The holidays were... lonely, I had noone with me in this isolated wasteland.
The only thing keeping me company why my lone-guitar.. rox' no I didnt name it.
Till then, I realized I had a good taste of music, I started listening to songs which helped me escape from reality, I played and played till the day of school.
I was extremely excited for the new day so I could see her face once more,
One look into her eyes, would make my life better
Well, sadly: she was on the other class.. as I suffered the whole 5th grade... I started discovering true.. anxiety.
I knew I'd never talk to her again for a whole year..
I gave out tears remembering her sweet smile which always made me happy and ready for anything that's coming.
Now that's shes gone, I had noone-I thought

I started remembering my friends,
And went to meet then hoping for some relief- they left me in the dust, they didnt care.
That pain I exclaimed was not a normal stab in the heart, it was something else... which cannot be explained.
I slept in pain the whole day, played songs alone near boulders of rocks..
Till then I felt ... ------

The pain destroyed me in many ways.., my whole personality my dreams, my life was in vain.  I fell down the ranks in studies while others stood high up.
I previously though I was a coward... it went all the way from coward to hopeless...

It started being more and more painful so I started distracting myself by participating in competitions.
I joined an english Olympic. Hoping for nothing but relief from the pain.

I started cruelty trapping myself, so I get distracted. The day of the English Olympic came.. I thought to myself "why did I even participate, to embaress myself?" It was a really tough time, but I tried my best just to get away from the pain.
Soon after, damn, I got first place in the whole damn school, I realized I was competing with the whole school instead of kids my own grade so I was hyped...
I was, happy