love letters | shourtney

xiv.

"Courtney!" Noah jumps up from Liv's couch and wraps his arms around me. It forces me to let go of Shayne's hand, but I still feel safe. I know he's still there. 

"Noah, that's clearly Shayne." Damien jokes from his seat on the couch, acknowledging that half my outfit is from Shayne's wardrobe. I feel my eyes light up when I see Saige's bright orange hair next to him. Shayne gets called over to the kitchen by Sam and Spencer. I look back at him. 

"You gonna be okay?" He whispers so only I can hear, the group distracted by Grizzy rolling around on the floor. 

"Yeah. Just keep a close eye on me." The both of us laugh softly. I turn to look into his eyes and as they lock with mine, I nod reassuringly. He smiles at the group in front us before moving away to greet the other group in Olivia's kitchen. I turn my attention back to the couch, setting a direct course for a particular bright haired person. 

"Saige!" I sit down beside her, hugging her with one arm. Grizzy tries to bounce up onto my lap, but Keith pulls him away. 

"Court!" She matches my excited energy. "How's life?" She asks as our conversation separates from the group. 

"It's a lot!" I keep my voice at the same level of excitement, making her giggle. Despite the enthusiasm my voice portrays, I feel empty inside, exhaustion causing a war in my mind. 

"Anything to do with the fact that you're donned in Shayne's clothing?" She taps the sunglasses on the top of my head lightly. My eyes flip to him in the kitchen. He and Sam are laughing loudly at something Spencer said. My heart flutters when he looks my way smiling. 

"Maybe." I whisper, eyes still on him. Saige gives me a knowing smile, shocking me back into the moment. "Can we pretend I didn't say that?" I wince. That's gotta be a personal record on how little time it took me to slip up. 

"Of course." She nudges me lightly in efforts to comfort me. Luckily, a distraction comes my way quickly, Olivia's arms snaking around my neck from behind the couch. A familiar pair of glasses in her hand catches my eye. 

"You left your glasses here, but I see you easily replaced them." I take them from her grasp and throw them into my backpack, resting it on the cushion next to me. Ignoring the comment about his sunglasses, I also remove them from my head and toy with them before placing them into my bag gently. 

Saige goes back to the groups conversation, something Ian's saying catching her ear. From behind the couch, Olivia tugs on the sleeve of Shayne's jacket. I get up and follow her, Grizzy leaving the group with us.

"How are you doing?" She sits me down on an ottoman away from the group. Snuggling up against my legs as she sits on the floor. Grizzy rests his head on her lap, being much calmer than before. 

"Better." She nudges me, telling me to keep talking. To explain. "Shayne and I talked, about Kari. He was also just really sweet all day. And yesterday." I pick at my cuticles, recalling how many feelings I've had run through my mind over the past 24 hours. 

"You still don't..." She doesn't finish her sentence. 

"Sound better?" I look out the window opposite me, the city just visible from my angle. "I guess a single night of good sleep wasn't enough to fix 2 months of bad sleep." I laugh at myself. "God, I wish it could though." I shift in my seat, looking back into the apartment. Everyone's so bubbly. So energetic. So alive. 

Then there's me. Usually I would be out there in the middle of all of it. Enjoying just being around others. But right now, I feel worlds away from the sparks of joy that fill the room. Knowing why I've been stuck in a rut hasn't made dealing with it any better. If anything, it just made it more difficult to keep quiet about. 

Fortunately for me, it seems I've cried enough over the past few days, no tears even forming in my eyes. The idea makes me even more unsettled, and I can't cry to get rid of either feeling.

"You didn't have to come." She rests her head against my knee. "I'm sorry if I made you feel like you had to."

"Hey, I wanted to." I stroke her hair, a shared feeling of guilt settling in both our hearts. "Shayne said he didn't feel like coming unless I did, and I didn't want him to miss out because of me. And I didn't want to inconvenience him anymore." I let my weary eyes drift back over to him. He, Spencer and Sam joined Damien on the couch, who's now setting up Mario Kart on Sams' Switch. 

"Not getting any easier being around him is it?" She follows my eyes, a strong, sympathetic tone in her voice. 

"Not in the slightest." My voice quietens. "I just keep falling more and more every time I set my eyes on him." I whisper. 

"Well, you've always got me." She pushes herself up and I meet her eyes. A hand of hers rests on my leg so I take it and squeeze it. "I'll catch you if you need me to." 

"I love you." 

"Love you too." She lifts herself up off the floor. "Let's go back and try and have some fun. If it gets too much, just run and hide in my room. I'll send Shayne after you." She smiles as I roll my eyes. 

We make our way back to the couch, which everyone seems to have grouped around. I sit on the back of it, my legs fitting between Saige and Damien. The two of them, along with Noah and Sam, are playing Rainbow Road. 

The whole room's full of laughter and smiles and talk. This goes on for hours, the players rotating, conversations becoming wilder with the introduction of alcohol. At some point, Sam ordered pizza, but eating didn't distract them for long, the group returning to the couch with more energy than before. 

I stay where I am, precariously sitting on the edge of the couch, the slant of the top it causing me to need to keep my hands pushed against it to keep me from falling. My stomach is growling but I just don't feel like eating. 

I try to listen to the excitement around me but I can't help feeling like I've been disconnected. I know I'm here. And I know I'm surrounded by the best people I know. But it's like I'm just watching myself watching them. I tense my hands to try and pull myself back, but it's no use. The feeling stays. Exhaustion and vulnerability mix together and make me lose my grip on the couch. 

I almost fall backwards, but protective hands around my waist steady me.

No one seems to notice my almost fall, the room still cheering for the players in front of me. I can barely hear them though, my entire soul focused on the hands wrapped around me. It's not hard to tell who it is. He doesn't let go of me until I lift my legs over the couch and step back down onto solid ground. Even then, his hands hover around me cautiously. I look up into his eyes, which are shadowed with worry. 

Barely a second goes by before the whole world comes crashing back down into focus. It takes every part of me not to pull him away from everyone and hold him until all my bad thoughts are gone. To put his lips on mine. To let him know I'm his. 

"We can go if you want." His voice returns to the soft murmur it was before we left.

"Just shush." I take his hand and pull him away from the group. Kicking open Olivia's bedroom door, I pull it shut behind us. I press my body against the closed door and sink downwards. He sits down against the adjacent wall, his legs outstretched in front of me. "I'm sorry." I drop my head and close my eyes. 

"Don't apologise. You've done absolutely nothing wrong." He gently places a hand on my head and strokes my hair. Opening my eyes, I lean into the touch, letting the world around me fall away. I push myself forwards and lay down, resting my head on his thighs. 

"Please don't go anywhere." I close my eyes again and exhale loudly, his hand now resting on my arm, tracing circles into my skin with his thumb. 

"I won't. Even if you weren't lying on my legs." He laughs softly, my uneven breathing finally beginning to calm. This is safe. 

I'm safe. 

xiv.