not all can fly with the wings given!

PAST YEARS + July 2022

hardest thing I have learned these past few years. I have a voice that just needs to be heard, I just want someone to actually listen to me, not have any judgement or nothing but support. but having that person is a rare find these days. I have not been able to actually find that one person who won't judge me for my past. my past has and will always be the struggles I relive from day to day. just need to be able to overcome a lot and be willing to let go of some pain it put me through. but I am not sure how to this past month (July 2022) everything seemed to crash down and just shattered me not sure how I can push through. but some how I found some people who wanted to listen and hear my store. I think that is what I need just having that connection of want again. the feeling like some one cares actually cares. it was a hard thing to write down my past but I did and with that it seem I do have a story to motivate and needing to be heard. so I am back at it again. so I can be heard. and maybe things can start to look up for me. just taking it one day at a time I guess has helped me through the last 10 years of my life. been through enough that I can not take back. I just take a step back and look at it differently now. that pain I have felt is fading when I tell my story. so there maybe a hope for me after all? maybe I am really worth it.maybe this is my calling to help people through the struggles in my life, and give it a different perspective for new eyes and have that hope that it will be a known story by many. just getting to that point im not at yet. but I will surely be working hard on that one these coming days. but I will push through and persevere! my story could really help a lot of people if they look at what has come out of all the pain. and to see that I am still pushing through every day to fight a battle I can't let take over my life. my way of life has been hard. very hard things for anyone to go through but I always seem to look at it from a different view and find the good in it. 

SO I AM IN THE PROCESS OF GOING THROUGH THE RINGER. HONESTLY NOT SURE HOW I AM PUSHING THROUGH EVERYDAY AS WELL AS I HAVE BEEN THESE PAST FEW DAYS. BUT STILL TRYING TO BREATHE HONESTLY. SO MY HUSBAND IS ON SOMETHING I SWEAR. I CANT STAND HIM RIGHT NOW AND WHAT HE HAS AND IS DOING! ONE IT IS NOT RIGHT TWO IM NOT EVEN SURE HOW TO HANDLE IT ANYMORE BEEN GOING THROUGH THE NONSENSE FOR 9 YEARS AND IM NOT EVEN SURE WHAT I SAW IN HIM. BESIDE HE WAS REALLY GOOD WITH ARI WHEN SHE WAS BORN AND WAS THERE FOR HER EVEN THOUGH THAT HE IS NOT HER BIOLOGICAL FATHER. BUT THESE PAST FEW YEARS HAVE JUST GIVING ME A DIFFERENT LOOK ON LIFE AND GIVING ME A LOOK ON IT NOW AND LOOKING BACK IM NOT SURE WHY I STUCK THROUGH AS LONG AS I DID! 

LAST TIME I TALKED TO HIM LIKE ACTUALLY TALKED TO HIM ON THE PHONE. IT DIDN'T END WELL I ENDED UP BACK IN 2 NORTH (MENTAL  HEALTH FLOOR) NOT BECAUSE OF WHAT HE SAID BUT BECAUSE IT WAS SO HARSH AND THAT IS HOW FELT FOR SO LONG. I DON'T THINK HE EVEN KNOWS WHY I LEFT WITH THE KIDS THE FIRST TIME AND I DON'T THINK HE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND WHY BECAUSE HE WONT JUST LISTEN TO ME. NO I DON'T WANT A DIVORCE PER SAY. I JUST WANT TO SEE MY KIDS BEING BEAT ANYMORE I JUST CANT HANDLE IT. NEVER BEEN ABLE TO. BUT ALSO FEEL LIKE HIS WORDS WEREN'T FAR FROM HIS HEART LIKE MAYBE THAT IS HOW HE HONESTLY FEELS ABOUT ME. IM NOT WORTH IT TO HIM! HE SAID HE WOULD NEVER KEEP ME FROM THE KIDS AND THEN HE PULLS A STUNT AND KEEPED THEM FROM MEFOR TOO LONG I CANT HANDLE BEING AWAY FROM MY KIDS FOR MORE THAN A COUPLE DAYS WITH OUT HAVING A HARD TIME... BUT IT IS SOMETHING A LOT OF MAMAS GO THROUGH. BUT BETWEEN HIM AND HIS SISTER AND NOW HIS BROTHER. THIS IS TURNING IN TO A DISASTER AND IT IS ONLY GOING TO HURT THE KIDS MORE THAN ANYTHING I FEEL... PROBABLY WHY I HAVE TRIED TO KEEP MY DISTANCE. BUT ITS NOT THAT EASY THOSE 3 KIDS OF MINE ARE MY WORLD HONESTLY THE ONLY REASON WHY I AM BREATHING TODAY! BUT WITH HOW HE IS ACTING I AM BEYOND SCARED NOW. NOT BEING AROUND TO PROTECT THE KIDS FROM HIS ABUSE IS EXTREMELY HARD FOR ME! I JUST  THINK THAT I NEED TO GET MY STUFF IN ORDER SO I CAN KEEP THE KIDS ANND BE THE BEST PARENT I AM TO THEM. LIKE I WANT MY KIDS SAFE! AND THE FACT THAT CPS WONT GO OVER AND LOOK AT THE HOUSE THAT HAS BEEN REPORTED IS BEYOND ME. MIKE SAYS THEY ARE BUILDING A CASE WITH HIM AGAINST ME. AND HONESTLY I DONT THINK THERE IS ANYTHING THAT COULD BE PUT TOGETHER THAT WOULD BE DEEM ME!@ I AM A GREAT PARENT. I CANT EVEN SPANK I CANT HANDLE MIKE HITTING THEM WITH A BELT HOW HE SCREAMS AT THEM. I JUST CANT SEEM TO GET THE HELP I NEED THOUGHT AND THAT IS WHAT IS MAKING IT REALLY HARD RIGHT NOW! I MEAN MAYBE I CAN FIGHT THIS WITH OUT AN ATTORNEY. I MEAN I FOUGHT THE LAST BATTLE WITH NO ONE STANDING THERE WITH ME. AND I WON SO MAYBE I CAN DO IT AGAIN. I NEED TO FIND SOME ONE. HE CAN NOT HAVE FULL CUSTODY FUCK THAT SHIT! WHAT DRUGS IS HE DOING.. FIRST IT WAS OH I WILL CHANGE, I WONT DO THAT CRAP ANYMORE WELL HE NEVER CHANGED!  I WONT KEEP THE KIDS FROM YOU AND WELL HE DID AND THEN TRIED TO SIDE WITH HIS SISTER  AND SAYING THAT I WAS DOMESTIC ABUSIVE TOWARD MY KIDS! NOT A CHANCE DUMBASS. BUT I GUESS HE REALLY DOESNT KNOW HIS WIFE. AND AFTER THAT I JUST COULDNT DO I COMEPLETLY FELL APART AT THAT POINT. I MEAN ALL THE LIES HE BELIEVES JUST CRUSHED ME! IT WAS HARD TO EVEN THINK ABOUT HONESTLY! I JUST COULD DO IT. IM NOT ONE TO GIVE UP OR EVEN ASK FOR HELP I AM STRUGGLING WITH THAT ALL THE TIME BUT I AM STARTING TO LEARN THAT WHEN THERE IS HELP OFFERED I NEED TO TAKE IT.  BUT THAT IS A DIFFERENT CHAPTER FOR A DIFFERENT DAY! BUT YEAH HIS WORD HURT MORE THAN HE KNOW I THINK I MEAN NOT JUST THE KIDS SAY THAT I ALSO SAY IT TOO NOW THAT I SEE IT AND HEAR IT. SO IM JUST FUCKING DONE WITH HIM. NOT A THING THAT I CAN GET OVER SO EASILY EITHER WICH IS WEIRD I NORMALLY DONT LET THIS STUFF BOTHER ME. BUT IT IS LIKE HE BROKE ME HONESTLY I THINK IT JUST SNAPPED ME IN HALF. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALOT IN LIFE AND THAN THAT IS VWHAT JUST KINDA SNAPPED ME. I FEEL WEAK WHEN I AM AROUND HIM, I FEEL POWERLESS, I FEEL LIKEI AM NOTHING NOW WHEN I WAS AROUND HIM, JUST DOESNT SEEM TO BE THE RIGHT THING TO DO IS DIVORCE. LIKE I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO MANAGE HIM HIS CONTROLLING IS OUTRAGOUS