LIVING IS NOT AN ART

Chapter 7

December 7, 2012

Have you ever thought about all that is involved in observing someone, if you look closely at a person, you find so many things: values, intelligence, knowledge, skills, etc. The human being is as complex as the space where he lives, I would like to be able to understand that complexity, but I cannot, it is very difficult for someone who does not understand himself; I do not make the attempt because that would imply a tremendous change in me, changes do not bring anything good.

I once heard a very beautiful story from the beach, a place I have never been to, at the time I didn't know much about what such a children's story could entail, I was just someone more ignorant. The old man started with something very basic in writing "a long time ago" it didn't take more to get caught up in the story, not to mention that beautiful ending "and they lived happily ever after" I wish I could be the author of that story, he never knew how far he could go, but that doesn't imply that his confidence goes down the drain.

This is a small part of the story

"The tide, the wind, the rocks, the clouds; everything was chaos, it only took a few words to end it all, but.... Who wants to end an adventure without even starting it? This brave knight will never leave behind the one he loves, on the contrary, he will fight to the end for his honor and love; there is no greater conviction than the one implied by these two things."

The days get worse and worse, the image of Roger comes to my mind over and over again, Sigmund has tried to talk to me on several occasions, I don't say much in respect, Justin tries to get a smile out of me, in the end he gives up when he sees me with tears on the brink; it is very difficult to deal with so much fear, if I can call it that, because some days I feel able to endure anything, but other times I am just a child who needs someone to protect him.

After that night, Roger was moved to another psychiatric facility, I am more than sure that Justin had an influence in this decision; that doesn't matter, I am much better off back in my depressive world, neither Justin nor my mother can enter, it is the only place where I can mortify myself alone, without the need to be a victim of someone else. The next day of my unfortunate problem, the gossip spread all over the place, I couldn't help but see their looks of condolence, some tried to approach, but Justin stopped them, for that reason I decided to go back to the confinement, my room is not as safe as I used to believe, but it is the only place where I can have some privacy, even though someone else challenges my desire for solitude.

The day before yesterday my mother came, she said a lot of things, I did not pay attention to anything, I dedicated myself to see the rainy day, it is very strange in this season, it should be snowing, these were some of the many observations that I put in the way to forget the person I would like to forget. In the end it did not give very good results, she tried to give me a hug, when I saw her approaching, I stepped aside, if it had not been for the window I would be squeezing me in another alteration, what I need less now is a sign of affection; if I managed to avoid Ana, it would not be very difficult to do it with my mother. She started crying, Justin accompanied her to the exit, it wasn't long before she was back in my room, I stayed in my corner again, I didn't feel like crying, I just wanted to be very uncomfortable, this masochistic action has worked for me, it makes me forget for a few minutes how I have felt all my life.

I look many times at my cuts, the scars that remain after hurting the body are like a painting on the body, I touch several of them, some bigger than others, it seems like yesterday when the blood was coming down intermittently, too scandalous, but with no intention of letting me die, if the whole body would cooperate my days would be numbered, instead of having that remote possibility of years.

That's what happened these last few days since I wrote you (friend) can I call you that? I know I have done it before, now I want to know what you think, so far you have dedicated yourself to listen to a crazy person, therefore, you deserve attention, because you are the only person who listens to me. If you take me as a friend, put an argument in the "yes" box and if it's the opposite, well, I think you can still put "no".