❖His Gem♦💎♦Ashtray❖

Son of a B💎tch

"Let me go." I mumble out numbly. By now I had stopped fighting, not even having the energy to move away from him, let alone actually leave.

    To be honest, I wanted more than anything to be back in his arms.. But it hurt too much. Everything just hurt so fucking much.. I just wanted the drugs back to block it all out. So much easier to not deal with this when I was high. Plus, not to mention, it felt worse. It hurt more after coming down from drugs, the detoxing, the.. existing.. then it did before I even started doing drugs.

    I felt him shake his head, my eyes staring lifelessly at the fabric of his shirt that covered his torso. His arms still wrapped around me, my arms by my sides, my hair clung to my skin, my skin slightly damp from sweat. My breathing slowed, almost so slow I thought it would just.. disappear.

"It's not like you care.. Why act like you do now?" I rasp out breathlessly, that oh so familiar tightening in the throat, soon traveling down to my chest as everything felt tight. The ball forming, wanting to rise and let the cries out.

"Of course I still care, Marina." His voice rasps low, strained as if he were in pain, but mostly because of how his voice just naturally is. That being one of the top like, three things I always found so attractive about him... My favorite will always be his eyes. I could stare endlessly into his eyes and never grow bored of them.

    I felt a small wave of energy, even if it was a pathetic amount, fueling myself on hate as I heard him say those words. Them just making me hurt more, causing me to lamely pull myself from him. The cry building up more as I tried rolling away from him instead. Not wanting to be held so close to him. Like his touch was vile, even if it's what I wanted most.

"Stop, Gem. Please.." I couldn't hold the sobs back anymore, crying heavily into his chest as he pulled me back to him. All the memories and feelings coming back and hitting me hard. Everything, from my time spent with Ash, my feelings for him, to Fezco. Our talks, our endless rambles and teasing Ash together. Faye.. I miss harassing the hoe. She was actually kinda fun.. I thought of my dad, Leslie's pleading and desperate tries to get her daughter to go with her and get help only fueling my own guilt. Jules, looking high and low for me.. Lexi.. I knew I was hurting her, making her lie for me. She's a good person and I was making her lie to someone she genuinely had feelings for.

I feel like.. everyone would just be better off if I was just gone.. For good.

"I hate you." I cried out, shaking my head as I tried burying myself further into him, trying to shake the thoughts and feelings away.

"I know." He breathes out. Not sure if it was my own sadness that made him sound so sad or if he really was that sad. He sounded really sad. The pain in his voice making me cry more. His pain only making me feel worse. I wanted to fight, but I couldn't. I don't even know what I wanted to fight about. I wasn't sure if I wanted to fight with him, for being so mean.. For being such an asshole.. Or fight for us.

But I'm exhausted.. And for the first time in a while I felt like I could maybe actually sleep.

".. I'll always hate myself more though.."

     I woke up, almost shaking myself awake. The memories of last night hitting me almost instantly, my pain quick to follow it but pushed it aside, feeling the physical pain. Luckily my mind wasn't as groggy as it had been from lack of sleep, feeling like I got more than just a few hours. The sun outside high, letting me know it was well past early morning.