DEAR SELF (DIARY)

Mom

Saturday, 08/06/2022, 1:56 am

Today, I'm not feeling good because I miss my mom.
She passed away on the 9th of Nov 2020 due to meningitis.
Her death was unexpected because she was the healthiest person I ever met, she never said that she was sick except for a frequent migraine because she was a hardworking woman. She will wake up early to prepare her kuih to sell and will continue to do the breakfast. She always prioritizes her family more than anything else. I always asked her to take a rest but she said that was what she likes to do and the only thing that can give us money(even though we have enough money more than enough) because she wants to do everything on her own. I was always by her side, we did argue because you know all children will experience this once in their life but still, she's the only person that I will die for. I once dreamt of her death around 2018 a week before she came to my hostel(because I studied in a boarding school) but I never told her about the dream because I'm afraid that might be real. Unfortunately, it is. If I know that dream will be real, I would do everything for her and will not let her be hurt by anyone. 

*(kuih = malay's food/dessert)

There is not even a day that I'm not missing her, when she's gone, it's like my whole life collapsed, and nothing I can do to fix it back. Living in a house but not even a home. She took everything that I had before and buried it together with her. I almost lost myself. Since I'm the eldest daughter, I'm the type that can't even stay too far from my mom without even contacting her. I always told her everything that I went through, I told her about my relationship, friendship, and even stupid event that happen to me. She's like my best friend. She is the one who will protect me from my dad. She will make sure that I'm eating, buy me my favorite food, ask me if I'm okay, and make any type of food that I'm craving. If I don't have money, she will give me and help me when needed. She will make sure that I'm all okay from head to toe, will hug me every morning just to wake me up, will come to my room just to see what I'm doing, and will joke around with me like I'm a 5-year-old child. She will always treat my inner child whenever I need it. To make it short, she is my life, my oxygen to breathe, my savior, my guidance, my best friend, my happiness, my motivation, and most importantly she's my mother and will be my mother forever. No one could replace her. 

The day she died, is the day where I lost everything. I thought I can at least have my best friend with me but...

She left me too...not her fault at all because I know I'm the one who made her like that. If I ever am her, I will be tired of myself too. I will talk about her in another part because she's one of the best soulmates I ever had and I will love her forever. She's the second person I ever love after my mom.

Even though it has been one year and 9 months, I still cry every night because I miss her so much, I miss her embrace, her hug every morning, her food, her kuih, and her laugh. She always laughs at my jokes. Now, no one will laugh at my jokes(obviously because I stop sharing them with anyone), no one asks me what to eat, no one asks about my day, and no one will care about me in this house anymore. I need to be the 'mom' in this house even though I have stepmom already:' 

Yes, my dad get married just after a year my mom passed away. I was lost, I can't think straight about that because how can he get married and forget my mom that fast? I try to understand him but I just couldn't understand how can move on that fast. I'm just tired of all of this. 

Today, I still feel so sad because I don't have anything to eat at home. My parents did cook but the thing is they stop buying snacks at home. No, I'm not complaining but I have other younger siblings as well not too young around 13 years old and 18 years old and my mom will always buy us snacks at home because she knows that we love to eat something else as a snack after eating lunch or dinner. After my mom passed away, my dad stop buying snacks but you know what sadden me more, he will only buy the snack for my younger siblings and will only ask them what they want to eat. While me? no... I need to buy it myself with my own money because I'm the 'ELDEST' so I need to do everything on my own. I don't know but that makes me cry. I don't know if I should be sad or not but I keep thinking that if my mom is still alive, she will treat her children equally. Why does the eldest always get treated like this by their dad? Am I the only one like this? Maybe I got sad because I was used to being treated by my mom like that. When I got treated like this by my dad(not once but too many times), I got sad and felt alone.

I wanted to continue crying but writing it here, makes me feel less sad. 

I wish that my mom can reincarnate and I could find her again:'

I should be studying because I have my final exam tomorrow but I couldn't study with this kind of feeling.

I miss you mom, and will always be.

(Btw I have one song that I wanted to share, I always cry to this song because I always imagine my mom singing it to me. Mother's song - Masakatsu Takagi ( theme song for Wolf Children))