Not That Interested

Chapter 15: The One With The Dragon Lady

After the Moonwalk debacle, I couldn't face meeting Rania and Shehzer for a couple of days. I did, however, accept Shehzer's Facebook Friend request. I was curious about him. Sue me. He wasn't all that active on Facebook. Mostly, others had tagged him in group photos. A few random Football/cricket statuses aside; it seemed he sparingly cared to express his thoughts via social media. Hmm...secretive. The first time I stalked him (Yes, I did it multiple times. So there!), I quickly scanned for any selfies. None. Nada. I don't know why that pleased me to no end, boys who took selfies just turned me off so bad.

It's bad enough that girls are obsessed with this idiotic vanity, but boys who took selfies: Ew.

He texted me a couple of times, asking why I wasn't meeting up with Rania for our usual Paint Dates. I made up a lame work excuse. He dropped the subject. But then, the quotes started coming.

Shehzer: Hey! :D I read this and thought of your quote collection,

"Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't after you."-Joseph Heller

I giggled when I saw this one. I was at work, but I quickly fished my post-it-note pad from my bag, scribbling the quote onto a note, then drawing a caricature of suspicious looking eyes all over the border of it. I loved collecting weird, meaningful quotes, then making it into a fancy post-it-note, which I would then stick on a hidden cork board in my closet.

Mina: LOL! :P Love it! (Attached a picture of the scribble I had made on the note)

Shehzer: Wow! you're really talented with this artsy stuff! I can't draw to save my life. Hell, I'm a walking stereotype of doctors with terrible handwriting. :P

Mina: Oh!....thanks! ^_^ btw...Ali says that you're doing an internship here? what's up with that?

Shehzer: Yep. Social internship, a requirement for my program. They prefer it if we do it in a developing country. Pakistan was the logical choice for me. :)

Mina: Ahaan! I see. How magnanimous of you. Are you taking enough photos for your instagram? with hashtags? #PoorPeople #HungryPeople. That is all Pakistan is to you no? A bullet point in your resume?

Okay. So maybe this was a bit too harsh. But seriously, I don't like the fact that a superficial internship brought him here. Not an actual, voluntary desire to do some good for his homeland. EMV snorts; 'He is an American. This isn't his homeland.'...Fine. His parents' homeland then.

Shehzer: Woah! lady. I could have easily arranged to do it in some African country, or even Mexico. But I chose my country, because of my ties to it. :/ Please don't judge.

I was pretty embarrassed, and I apologized to Shehzer. My outburst was totally uncalled for. He sent me another quote, and forgave me, If I agreed to keep my next play-date with Rania. Apparently she was missing me terribly. I agreed.

.....

I reached home to be greeted by total pandemonium. My mother's aunt Kulsoom had arrived at our place. Apparently, she found out about my impending engagement ceremony, and decided that we needed her guidance, and the pleasure of her company. Even though she lived, an hour away from us, away from Karachi city's metropolitan areas, in a sprawling mansion surrounded by vast gardens, she had decided that until I was safely engaged, she would stay at our place.

A few facts about Kulsoom Khala (Aunt):

*She was bordering 80 years old, but acted decades younger.

*She had no thought filter. She though it, she spoke it.

*She thought most people were blithering idiots.

*She loved terrorizing people.

*She was sharp as a tack, nothing missed by her.

*She was a total softie inside. Deep. Deep. inside.

Hmm...she sounds almost tame when I describe her like that, but trust me, she is a dragon. Fire breathing, terrifying, and majestic.

I found my entire family sitting around her (against their wills) while she relayed the latest family gossip, interjected with criticism launched at my family members.

"Boy!" she barked to Ali. "Your younger sister is getting hitched, like a respectable human being, when is your turn?"

Ali said under his breath, "Is that what people ask you at funerals?"

"Speak up BOY!"

"I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'M GETTING MARRIED!" He yells back.

"With that haircut, I doubt any self-respecting female will accept you any ways." she snorts. Ali turns red with fury. She goes on, "You know Sabir's kid? The one who looks like a thinner Elton John?...well, he was rejected by no less than 15 girls, before I took pity on him and took him to a decent hairdresser. He is married now. With four kids. FOUR. Imagine that. Someone should take his wife to a family planning center, idiocy breeds idiocy you know? simply cannot have any more idiots in this family....."

We don't even gasp, or bat an eyelash anymore.

She turns to Dad next, peering inquisitively over thick glasses, "You're getting bald....hmm...OR....maybe, you're just getting fatter, and your hair doesn't realize it has to cover more ground yet! HAWAWHAWAW!" She cackles at my Dad's obvious discomfort, thumping her hooked wooden cane on the floor.

Mom is desperate to escape at this point. When she spots me frozen at the doorway, she runs to me, begging me with her eyes to take the inquisition.

The Dragon spots me immediately, her beady eyes spotting a prey.

"There she is. The Dulhan. (Bride). Come sit with me child." she pats the empty seat beside her. I sat gingerly to her right. Letting her sharp vulture gaze scan me from top to toe. I have never felt so objectified in my life.

"Hmmph. Well, you look decent enough." she says suspiciously, turning to Mom, "24 years ago, when you were expecting her, I told you to start eating fresh Paneer (cheese) Did you do it?"

Mom looks slightly dazed, "Err...Yes?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?" she narrows her eyes

"Ahem, YES, I definitely ate lots of Paneer" Mom nods vigorously.

"Hmmph. No wonder she turned out so beautiful." She pats my hands, "It's all about the cheese dear."

O-Okaayy....

"I can't wait to clap eyes on your betrothed. I saw him years ago, as a kid of course. Skinny little kid he was. Always running after you girls. Not husband materiel at all... tch."

"Well, you can hardly judge him for his childhood, We all grow wiser with age."

"Hmmph...You seem very outspoken for a bride." She raises her eyebrows. "I like it."  

Ali is gaping at our exchange. She immediately barks at him; "Close your mouth boy! very unattractive!...Also, carry my bags to a guest room in this house. I am fatigued already...Lots of work to do tomorrow." She stands up majestically, white hair visible from a spotless white dupatta/scarf adorning her head. She uses her cane like a shepherd's stick, waving it threateningly at my brother to get him moving. 

Well...That was interesting.