The Boiling of the Bones

18. Departure

In the morning, Rob and I checked out of the hotel. Over a nice breakfast, I gave him some last-minute instructions and went over my itinerary. Then I told him about my night with Soph.

"I should have just kissed her. I don't know why I hesitated."

"Because you don't want to screw up what you've got with her. She's your best friend and you don't want to lose that."

"I already lost it–she's on a whole nother level than me. She dates famous people. If this one doesn't work out, she'll find someone else and once she truly falls in love with a friend and lover, she'll turn to him for friendship and emotional support. After that, I'll never see her anymore and our friendship will fade away to the occasional text or happy birthday post on her Facebook page."

"That's how it goes. You either take the relationship up a notch or you slowly drift apart. That's just the way life is. If you never make a move, you'll get permanently stuck in the friend zone which is not a place you want to be. It's hard getting out of the friend zone. She just won't ever think of you in that way. She's probably home right now saying, 'I'm so glad I have him for a friend.'

At eight thirty Rob drove me to JFK and we said goodbye at the curb. I strapped on my backpack and carried my guitar case as I headed into JFK and checked in. The walk to the gate was the longest of my life. On one hand, I was excited to travel, to see the world and open my eyes. I'd worked hard for a year and a half for this.

On the other hand, it kind of felt like I was cowardly running away from my problems. Deep down, I wondered if I weren't throwing away any shot I ever had with Sophia. By the time I got back, she'd be finishing up with school, maybe even deeply entrenched into a successful career, making real money and buying a home.

She'd likely be married or in a committed relationship. All my friends and basically everyone I grew up with would be at a different stage in life, and I'd be starting all over from the beginning, with no training or education or career skills or any kind. It was depressing and scary to think about.

But my path was always different than theirs. I'd always planned to find my own way. It was unsettling that I hadn't discovered it yet. Dr. Weintraub would be disappointed. I didn't seem to be making any progress either. I was still lost, and the goal seemed farther out of reach than ever, and I had no idea how to get there. Real life was tougher than I expected. The one thing I was sure of, I couldn't put my life on hold any longer waiting for Sophia for something that might never happen. I had to discover my path and get on with it.

After a short wait, I boarded the plane and took my seat. Instead of the sense of freedom and excitement for adventure, I felt a foreboding sense that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. Why couldn't I ever be happy? I should be excited for my trip, but my entire life seemed destined for failure and misery. No matter what I did. I couldn't find success or happiness.

I had to go. I hadn't truly lived. I'd never be a great musician until I had a story to tell. The only way to find a compelling story was to get out there and see the world. Not just tourist attractions. I had to get off the beaten path and experience firsthand the interesting stories worth telling. I had to find a cause to champion and develop a compelling voice. I had to open my eyes and unlock life's secrets and be driven and inspired by things I felt passionate about. As Whitman said, I had to find; the divine things well enveloped; the divine things more beautiful than words could tell.

Sophia felt a mix of emotions, confusion, sadness, and loneliness. Her mind was jumbled with thoughts she couldn't unsort. She needed to talk. To see me, look into my eyes. That was where she'd find the answers to her lingering doubts and feelings.