soul searching.

apocalypse.

「❀」 play apocalypse by cigarettes after sex.

→ tw: cheating, manipulation; cw: smoking

૪'ރ፧ ࿐  enjoy!

Like crumbling bridges, cityscapes turning to dust, and helicopters falling from the sky, I could feel that our connection is already close to its apocalypse.

Everyone makes mistakes, tells white lies, and is confronted by their conscience at some point. But ours were not an accident. Guided by our destructive lips and sensual touches, what we have is deliberate. I know it doesn't seem right, and its justification should be illegal, but... we can no longer stop it. Or maybe we can but we didn't choose to do so.

We've been dating for two years, along with her five-year boyfriend.

The pent-up feelings and mutual desire that we've been harboring for several months are about to be released.

"This... this is wrong. Let's end this. I don't want to live in dishonesty anymore. I don't want to cheat on Jude," I could hear the hesitation in her voice as she released my grip on her waist beneath the soft bedsheets and began slipping out of my reach as if I'd never have her again. As if it were the last time.

Or maybe it is.

"Do not contact me again, Zath; he does not deserve to be cheated on."

Does that mean that I deserve this treatment?

She said those words as if I had simply seduced her and she did not take part in the crime. As if she was washing her hands of whatever we had done as if nothing had happened. As if it had always been my fault and lone mistake all along. 

What bravery.

While lying on the bed, I continued to watch her get dressed and pick up her belongings. I, too, was at a loss for what to do. I can't persuade her to stay with me because there was never an "us"  to begin with. This departure was already overdue, but the moment she twisted the doorknob, I couldn't accept that this was the end.

As a coward, I just buried my face in the pillow and let her go without a proper ending to what we had. I'm not feeling anything. I was numb, and my head, heart, and body hurt... as if I was the one who had been cheated on.

How did I find myself in this situation in the first place? This is not how I am. People would never suspect that I would devastate someone's relationship in this manner.

As I close my eyes, I began uncovering and retracing my past decisions. I could feel the vivid memories resurfacing on me like a shock wave. A harsh slap of reality dawned on me.

She felt like a celebrity to me when we were still in college. Too far out of my league, like a goddess who chose to live on Earth while I lived as a ghost, invisible to everyone. A MedTech princess falling for a ComSci nerd... a good title for a Wattpad story but just not my type of fantasy in a real-world setting. 

As Olivia and her friends entered the canteen with their bright faces, as if they had no problems in the world, all eyes were on her, including mine. I admired how she presents herself: her self-assurance, extravagant aura, and pure image. But then again, it took a punch to the moon for her to notice me, let alone... like me.

She became more beautiful as the days passed. It is still unknown why she does not have a boyfriend despite her famous image in the university. Perhaps because no one met her standards? Understandable.

I am not that bad-looking myself, I know that, but perhaps my lack of confidence stems from my family's financial situation. I never envied popular and attractive men; instead, I envied the privileged.