Shadow Of The Past | Ongoing

05| "Ive lost home"

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You drew memories in my mind
I couldn't erase
You painted colours in my heart
I could never replace

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I'm on my way to my parents house, with nothing but Naomi and our daughter in my mind.

They're all I think of ever since I left. That day I left, I've changed. A lot. I've turned into a someone unrecognisable.

I feel fucking worthless. Like I've lost my colour, humour, myself. All these six years, everyday has felt more and more bad.

I feel as if I've been stabbed in the heart and as time went on I'd get stabbed again, and again, and again. Till this day I feel that way, broken and pain.

I remember throwing things around in my other house that I had to stay in. I was killing anyone that annoyed me or was doing something wrong.

I was a mess. I've never been happy, I've never smiled (but I've faked smiled), I've never felt home every since I left.

I didn't feel home. This place I'm living in that is supposably meant to feel like a home, doesn't feel like a home. My home was Naomi. Now that I don't have her with me anymore, I've lost home. I don't know where home is? Or if that home's okay?

I know nothing about that home. And I wish I did.

I'd be damned if that mother fucker son of a bitch, Xavier Sky fucking layed his hands on her, or ended up killing her and our child.

Damn it I remember that day so clearly. Its my worst memory.

I remember kissing her, feeling our daughter kick for the first time, talking to our daughter, I even remember her laughing at me because of that.

Hell, I still remember he smile. Her face. I sometimes still her laughs in my head. I then had to leave to check on someone I've kept at my warehouse for a week.

I was in office when I got a message from Xavier Sky. The don of the German mafia. We were never enemies with the Germans. We just never came across each other or needed to help one another.

Oh, but we are enemies now.

He said if I didn't leave Naomi she would die along with our daughter. She was still fucking pregnant!

I didn't believe him at first, until he sent me a video of two of his guars holding guns, that were aimed at Naomi's stomach and the other aimed at her head, right in between her eyes.

She was asleep. She looked breathtaking.

No ways was I gonna let her die. Never. As long as I was alive I would protect and die for that women and our daughter.

Everyday I wasn't with her, was a day closer to her giving birth.

I wasn't there for her. I wasn't there in the hospital, holding her hand as she pushed our baby girl out. I didn't her loud crying screams as she was now brought into the world. I wasn't there.

I missed a lot in my daughter life. I missed seeing her first tooth show, her taking he first steps, her eating real food for the first time, her first birthday, going to kindergarten and school. I missed it all.

Image as a father missing all those little things, that only happen once in your child's life.

I was fuming. I threw everything on the floor. I broke things, I threw my phone, laptop, chair, whiskey at a wall.

In just a snap of a finger I lost her. It's true you can really lose everything you love in just a snap of a finger, which you should cherish as much as you can and don't get me wrong I did exactly that, but there was still more I wanted to cherish. I wanted to cherish my child and her.

Ever since then I haven't once looked at any other women or touched one, because the love I have for that women and that child even though I've never seen her, is still in me and I don't plan on changing it.

If it's not her then it's no one.

We all miss her. My family. Milo and Nala. All of us, do. My family didn't really have a bad impact like I did, but you could see something changed in them.

No one has been able to fix me. I myself wasn't able. I needed her to fixed me. I ended our daughter to fix me. I needed them to bring me back. To bring me back home where I belonged. With them.

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