Zenande Okhethiweyo

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I couldn't just go away I had to wait for the entire weekend so my dad could sort everything out on my behalf,luckily I got a week thanks to my dad. I really appreciate my dad and Diego being around,they really helped me through out the past weekend. Right now me and Dad just landed in Mthatha,the same welcome air I used to breathe in now feels so deadly. How could a person run over a 6 year old who was just one house away from home and then make a run for it? Some people are cruel I wonder if he or she has any kids at all because I hope he gets a taste of his own medicine one day.
"Karina should I get you something to eat?" Dad asks.
From his tone you can tell that he has been talking to me for some time but i couldn't hear him. He rented out a car which now we are settled in as he drives to Lusikisiki. I shake my head at him indicating no. I wonder how mama must be feeling right now,She might have even forgotten to take her medication. Nolu has always acted like she doesn't care about Mahle so I wonder what was her reaction to all of this. I can feel a headache coming on,I need to stop thinking so much,I'm going to get myself sick. I lay back on the seat and close my eyes,I haven't slept in 3 days. How I wish I could sleep through this entire ordeal and actually get to wake up from this nightmare with my baby girl in my arms.

After minutes of driving we finally pull up at my house. A few family members have already arrived. I get out of the car slowly and just stand there. Mahle would have immediately ran to me for a hug telling me how much she missed me because from her favourite spot in the sitting room she could see outside perfectly. I feel tears run down my cheeks,how am I supposed to live like this? Will the hole I feel in my heart ever heal? What bad have i done in the world to get punished so much? I feel my dad's arm wrap around me,I lean in to him and wipe my tears. Yes I'm hurt but I can't break down like this,I need to keep it together for everybody's sake.
"Ready to go inside?" He asks.
I nod my head at him and lead the way as he follows behind. I'm greeted by my aunt squeezing the life out of me and my cousin. One of my cousins takes the bags from my dad and insists that my dad should join the uncles outside.
"Uphi umama?" I ask my aunt.
"Baphumile bathe...yoh!andikhumbuli nokhumbula ukba bathe boyenza ntoni" she says shrugging.
"Nolunwabo yena?"
"Hhayi andimazi ke lowo" she says going back to whatever she was doing.
Since nobody is around I decide to help out with the baking. My cousin updates me on her life as we mix and put the first pan in the oven.
"Hawu! Uphi uPrince charming?" She asks.
I feel a knife cut through my heart and I wince in pain. What do I even say to her? That he will never come because I'm not so special like he pretended to be?
"Usemsebenzini wethu" I say to her trying to fake a smile.
"Zee are you okay?" She asks holding on to my upper arm.
"Yeah why wouldn't I be?"
"You look like you are in pain,you have turned pink" she says.
"I just have a headache nothing major" I say to her certainly lying because the knife stuck deep in my heart keeps on twisting and twisting until I feel like I can't breathe.
"Go lay down for a bit,I will take care of this" she says taking the dishcloth from me and pushing me to the direction of my bedroom.
I do as she says. I take off the apron and throw it on the bed and take off my shoes as I throw myself on the bed. I pray that sleep washes over me as I close my eyes but that all fails as all I see is a bloody Mahle laying on the street in her school uniform.

After a few hours of laying there and staring at the roof my cousin walks in.
"Hey you are up. Nolu is back still want to see her?" She asks.
I nod and get up from the bed. I slip my slippers on and follow her outside. Nolu is sitting on the stoep with jeans on and no headwrap with a beer in her hand.
"Nolunwabo" I say standing before her.
"Ufuna ntoni Zenande?" She asks not even looking at me.
"What do I want? Nolunwabo how about what that little girl laying in the mortuary right now deserves? Shouldn't you at least give her that much of respect? Do you forget that you are her mother? "
She keeps quiet and takes a sip of her beer.
"Stop it! Stop acting like the world owes you and take responsibility of your life!" I shout hitting the beer out of her hands.
It lands on the ground and spills. She looks at me shocked but doesn't say a word.
"You are my older sister but here you are acting like a teenager. Your daughter has just died and you are in jeans going up and down every tavern you can find! Nolunwabo you are a disgrace to motherhood,you never really cared about Mahle and right now you are showing us exactly that" I say to her and walk to the back.
I need some air. My head is pounding. I'm so angry at her,she can be a rebel whenever she wants but not over this,not over Asemahle. Mahle never got the opportunity to enjoy time with her mother or receive a mother's love. The least Nolunwabo could do is pretend like she cares for her. I sit on the lawn and look up to the sky,it seems cloudy it might rain. I rest my head on my knees and take deep breaths.
"Are you okay?" I hear my cousin ask.
"Yeah it's just rough that's all"
"She needed to hear that,ever since ndifikile apha she acts like nothing happened" she says.
I nod my head. I feel bad for venting out on her but I hope I got through that thick skull of hers. She can't be acting like this mama will have ten times more stress on her shoulders and that's not good for her.
"Umama ubuyile?" I ask looking at her.
"Jah she is sitting on the mattress" she says.
I nod and make my way to her bedroom. I find her sitting on the mattress with my aunt and church ladies sitting on chairs.
"Sorry" I say as I turn away.
"Izapha sanalwam" I hear mama say.
She opens her arms for me to hug her,I sit beside her and throw myself in to her embrace. Immediately when my head rest on her shoulder,I cry.
"Let it all out baby" she says rubbing my back causing me to wail even louder.
I cry so hard until I feel a headache coming over me,my entire face feels hot and I have snot coming out of my nose. My voice even sounds hoarse. She lays me on her lap and brushes my back as they continue talking about the service and stuff. Sleep finally consumes me amidst their conversation and I give in.