Sadness

II

Just ended my shift and medyo naninibago pa ko sa day shift. 

Lately, kinakausap ko yung sarili ko about sa nangyayari sa buhay ko. Sounds weird? Yep, but it really helps a lot. Nakakapagod yung mga nangyayari lately but I don't have any choice, kailangang lumaban eh. 

Recently, I asked myself "gusto ko pa ba talagang mabuhay?"  dati kasi ang isa sa mga rason ko bat gusto ko pa mabuhay is may mga taong takot na mawala ako or ayaw na mawala ako, para kasi ngayon wala na. Sabi ko non, I am available for those people who need a shoulder to lean on, but the thing is kahit nga ako na yung kailangan, di parin ako pinipili. Palagi kong sinasabi sa lahat na "I may not the best person you need, but I am always available if you need someone to talk with"  a question crossed my mind, "paano naman ako? is there anyone who's willing to do the same for me wholeheartedly?" 

Takot akong mawala sila, takot din kaya silang mawala ako?

There's a lot of things na gusto kong ikwento pero di ko alam ano uunahin ko or isusunod ko? or baka nawawalan lang ako ng gana kasi walang interesado? 

Sobrang tumatak na sa isip ko yung sinabi nila na kulang ako sa alaga, lalo na yung mga taong nagsabi noon. Di naman ako masasaktan if sakin mismo sinabi eh, the thing is sa iba sinasabi while me being unconscious. Please make me understand your purpose with it. Do you guys want to stop those people coming to my life? Is it for me? For them? or maybe.... for yourselves? Maiintindihan ko sana if ako lang eh, pero di lang ako ang nakakapuna eh. Magkaiba ang bulag at ang nagbubulag bulagan. I'm just very very very .....disappointed.

Reflecting to myself woke me up from those people who took advantage of my innocence. Nagtataka lang ako, like why? anong ginawa ko sa inyo para ganituhin nyo ako? kasi sa pagkakatanda ko maayos pakikitungo ko sa kanila, na tipong kasama sila sa priority list ko kesa sa sarili ko, why? galit? ano ginawa ko? inggit? saan banda? kasi the last thing I remember is I keep on telling everyone na ako ang naiinggit na sana ako rin ganito kasi di ko naman mabibili yung mga bagay na kinaiinggitan ko eh pero masayang masaya ako na nasa maayos na kalagayan na sila, na meron na sila ng mga bagay o taong deserve nila. I kept on asking everyone, even myself, 

do I really deserve this? 

am I not allowed to be happy? 

don't I deserve to have those kind of things? 

being a witness for everyone's milestone is the only my purpose in this world?

I just wanna clarify to everyone, di ako jowang jowa, I'm just sick and tired of being in pain, mistreated, played. If you can't differentiate those things sa jowang jowa, ikaw na may problema kasi you already set your mind thinking na jowang jowa ako kahit di naman. If gusto ko lang talaga magkajowa, maraming nagkakagusto sakin, I just need to pick which of them ang papatulan ko.... kaso hindi eh. I chose to cut ties with those people who wants to take control of my life, making decisions for myself pero sobra makasisi pag di nag work yung ginawa nila. Maybe some may throw me questions "eh bat ka nagpacontrol?" pinangunahan ako eh, nagtiwala din ako. Maybe that was my mistake, that I still trust those people who obviously took advantage of me. 

I don't care if they leave, that's not what I'm afraid of, infact, sanay na kong iwanan. What scares me is due to those pain they've given to me, I might lose the pureness and innocence in my heart. 

I don't wanna die.....

I'm just seriously, terribly tired.