It was weird, to hear your mom busily criticizing you and mentioned how bad you are, how you have no heart, and you don't have any love in your heart.
A motorcycle roared outside, and my fingers keep adding more lines, until I stopped, blocked it and deleted it, leaving that line just like that. A sigh escaped, and I leaned back, listening to the chicken that busy crowing nearby. Glancing to the window, it was comforting to see the red flowered creeper that climb the almost broken arch outside, as long as I ignored the cluttered table.
The sun shining brilliantly outside, and the light danced on my table, some playing on my keyboard, luring me. Outside the window, behind the pine tree, the chickens ran on top of the lush field, teasing me to go out. But I couldn't. COVID time was really sucks. Glancing to my phone, I tried to distract myself with text messages.
"If you love her, you will forgive her, she's your mom anyway."
I threw my phone. Hyperventilated, I rolled on the carpet, and hugged myself. Somehow, a weird tears rolled down, and it keeps rolling till I closed my eyes in a way to stop myself, yet I still sobbing, shaking. I couldn't stop myself for a long time, so I surrendered. Time just walk away letting me be until it died down to sniffles, and I sighed, listening to the cricket outside and wind that played on the leaves.
Honestly, if I can lul myself with the thought that I love her, if with that thought I can calm myself and forgive her easily, this wont be a problem.
I love her, I really do, I tried my whole life, her whole life, to love her, to proof to her that I love her, but alas... safely say, I failed.
I really hated myself for years and years, just because the person I tried to love didn't even try to love me back, and I SO enough for hating myself. I have life, I really want to live on, and I don't really want to ... ah.. enough all of this. I just want to stop hating myself, and stop wanting to end my life just because I failed to feel love. Just because I feel I don't deserve to live. Just because she keep saying that I am a failure, thus I need to die. She even tried to end me... and said that it wont be a sin for her, because she made me.
I love her, I knew it. If I don't, if I didn't, I wont be a mess like I am now.
If I become a wretched human cos I can't forgive my mom, so be it. I love her, but I couldn't forgive her, or I couldn't forgive myself. I need to forgive me, I need to love me, therefore, her action have to be wrong, have to.
I really have to say that she's wrong, or no one could forgive me, including me.
Closing my eyes, I softly hear the adzaan from the mosque nearby. Without opening my eyes, I knew that the sky must be orange and pink, and the chicken flew to nearby tree to sleep.
It's been quite some time that I don't pray anymore.
