Vicious Intention 1
Pictures
May kung anong kirot na naramdaman ako sa dibdib ko habang iniisa-isa kong pagmasdan ang mga old pictures ko. Ang ilan ay mga larawan no'ng ako ay nasa bilibid, marumi, nagmamakaawa, puno ng sugat at mugto ang mga mata. Ang ilan ay no'ng panahong nakakaranas pa ako ng molestiya. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin maproseso na nakayanan ko ang lahat sa kabila ng samu't-saring mga trauma na naranasan ko.
At that age, I was always having insecurities in life everytime I saw things that were impossible for me to experience. Friends to trust for, a family that would listen to your side, problems, a healthy mental status, a free life.
Saktong pagsulyap ko sa bintana ng kotse ko ay naramdaman ko ang pagpatak ng mga luha ko. Mabigat ang loob ko. I won't ever forget how they damnfully messed my life, how heavy the pain they brought to me, how selfish they were, how dirty they play. Kung nalampasan ko man lahat, wala akong palalampasin sa kanila ngayon.
"Mom,"
Ilang segundo nang marinig ko ang salitang 'yon ay mabilis kong inayos ang aking sarili. Agad kong maingat na nilagay sa isang silid. Pinunasan ko ang natitirang luha sa pisngi ko at huminga ng malalim.
"I guessed it right. You're here." Kade's manly voice get me back to reality. He gently open the car's door. "ES415DB."
Pumasok siya sa loob. Hawak hawak niya ang criminal law book at ang aquaflask water bottle na kalalagay lang sa tabi. Kade never knew that I'd be here visiting him because in first place, I never told him. Ang alam ko wala silang class schedule ngayon pero meron siyang review. He's currently studying BS legal management.
Kade is ny adopted son and he's living with me for more than seven years. I told him about it and he's comfortable with it. Kahit hindi ko siya sariling anak, patuloy kong ibibigay ang pagmamahal ng tunay na ina. I would never want them to experience what I did when I was young. So, I wouldn't. He and Kaeden are my greatest strenght in my life. I deserve them. I deserve to be happy too.
"Magrereview ka ba?" tanong ko.
Tatango sana siya nang mapatigil saglit. Inilapit ni Kade ang mukha niya at marahang tinitigan ako. Nakataas ang kilay at ang mga mata'y halatang nag-aalala.
"Have you cried, Mom?" nagaalalang tanong niya.
Kadalasan nagtatago ako sa kanila kapag minsan iniiyak ko yung mga senaryong nagpupumilit sumiksik sa isipan ko. I know it's his first time seeing me crying without any hint of reason. But nevertheless there have advantages within.
Hindi ako nakasagot pero binigyan ko siya ng pag-iling. Alam kong hindi niya ito alam at wala akong balak ipaalam. Ayaw kong madamay sila sa mga ginagawa ko. It'll going to be hidden no matter what until I have the courage to tell it.
Inilapag niya ang kanyang libro. Niyakap niya ako nang 'di ko inaasahan. Hindi ako nakaimik. He's always this sweetest. He's comforting me whenever he see and feel me uncomfortable. Ramdam ko ang paghaplos niya sa likod ko.
"I wanna to know the reason," he shot back in a begging voice after he return back.
"I-I just missed you, son" I know that's inconvincing but this is yet not the time to provoke. I sigh. "Kaeden missed you too."
Kumunot noo siya. He investigate my visage like a psychology who is trying to solve me. I know it's inconvincing but I have point somehow. Actually, he is in his dorm for almost one month and doesn't yet visiting house. This is the reason why I'm here. Ilang saglit lang ay ibinaba na niya ang tingin.
"Okay," he said finally quitting by. He heave a deep sigh before givibg me the newest expression. "I won't ask. But if it bothers you so much, Mom. Just ask me, I would help."
