Regarding Jay

11: neurotransmitters

JESSIE

Jorgen is sprawled across the bench when I get there, my hands tucked into my jacket pockets, mid November wind starting to bite through the city.

"Hey," he looks up at me.

"Hi."

He shifts, jacket making a little noise of denim on denim as he sits, yawning, "you look like you've had a rough day."

I scan him, taking in details, standing a little away from him, wary of his presence, "you do too."

He shrugs, running a hand over his hair, "rough year, more like."

"Yeah," I mumble. "Same here."

"Well," he stands. "Wanna get high?"

I stare for a second, then think about it, looking at him, looking around me and the dull gray of the city. I think about the week and think about the way my shoulders are aching from all the stress I've been keeping. I think about all that I've heard about doing this. I think about the way that people say it changes how you think for a little bit. I think and I think and I think he knows that I need a little time. I think he understands my silence. And I breathe in, preparing to speak, "yeah. I do."

He stands up, checking the bench behind him to make sure he didn't drop anything, "do you have anywhere we can go?"

I swallow, "I do."

"Lead the way."

We end up back on the bus, headed toward my house, him standing above me, making quiet conversation with me while my mind races, watching his body as it sways a little with the motion, watching the other people not paying attention to us, almost missing the girl that pointed out our dynamic two weeks ago.

"So," he follows me down the path to my house. "Am I allowed to ask why your parents are routinely out of the house on Fridays? It seems a little careless to leave a high schooler an open house on a Friday."

I swallow, "I'd rather not answer."

"Alright," he says it and for once in my life I don't feel the urge to fill the silence and tell him. It's foreign.

He flops down on the back porch, leaning against the railing, looking up at me, "joining me?"

"Now?"

"I assume so, I mean," he shrugs. "This was the intention, yes?"

"Do you..." I blink, trying to force my brain to make any noise instead of the gray sort of haze it gets stuck in when he's near me. "Want to take your coat off or eat or, or are you okay... or."

"Eh," he waffles with it. "We can eat later. Weed always makes you hungry."

"Why?" I put my school bag inside and sit next to him, two feet away, my hands folded in my lap.

"I should probably explain all this to you," he knocks his head back against one of the slats of the railing, eyes closed. "I was thinking about doing it but then I thought better of it but I still googled it on the way over to make sure my understanding of the science is right."

I stay quiet.

"Before we get started, then," he fishes something out of his pocket with his eyes closed. An altoid tin. "Your brain produces natural cannabinoids, they act as neurotransmitters. That means that they attach to different receptors on the brain and allow for messages to be sent between neurons. THC, the active component of marijuana, is incredibly similar in structure to one of those cannabinoids, which means that the brain picks it up and attaches it to those receptors and it processes the functions itself," his eyes blink open, looking at me, soft and rich brown. "Now, that wouldn't be, like, a massive deal, if the cannabinoids weren't critical in the nervous system. But they are, in some areas, so the alteration of that can cause some stuff to happen. So, being high means that your reaction time and coordination are a little wonky, your active and inactive memory are also a little weird, but the important part," he's smiling. "Is the transmitters that deal with emotion hormones. Dopamine and friends. The THC attaches to transmitters that handle the brain's reward system, mainly run by dopamine, and it produces a higher amount of dopamine in you than normal. Dopamine causes a bunch of shit but mostly it's just the reward chemical. Satisfaction, pleasure, enjoyment. All of that also takes a bunch of stress off of you and then you get the relaxing effect of all of it. People relate the dopamine release to that of sex but I'm not sure about that comparison quite yet."