Letting Go

CHAPTER 4

This chapter contains direct dialog from the show's final episode "Carry On".

Day after day, night after long, sleepless night it was the same thing. Sam had to deal with Dean driving him crazy or the never ending nightmares. And every time he just closed his eyes, he saw Dean's face, full of fear and pain. It had been nearly a week since the funeral and Sam had barely gotten 8 hours of sleep in that whole time. He walked around in a daze, not really aware of what was going on most of the time. He had also not eaten or even showered in all that time. He only ever fed Miracle or let her out when she whined or scratched at the door. Otherwise he ignored her.

"Sam, have you looked at yourself lately?", Dean said snarkily. "You look like the zombies we used to gank. And you smell worse!" Sam sat in the kitchen, sipping his coffee at the dining table with his eyes closed, trying to ignore his brother's none stop bitching. "Do I have to beat some sense into you, ya big ape?!", Dean growled. Sam snorted bitterly into his cup.

"I'd like to see you try, Dean", Sam growled, staring down into the steaming black liquid. "You're not real." Dean raised an eyebrow at his brother and abruptly stood up and stalked around the table. He grabbed Sam by the collar and jerked him out of his seat, knocking the hot coffee onto the floor at Sam's feet. "WHAT THE FU...!" Sam's shout was cut off by a hard right cross that sent him stumbling sideways. Luckily, he was able to catch himself on the island in the middle of the kitchen before he fell down hard on the concrete floor. But when Dean moved toward him, Sam tripped over his own feet, landing hard on his back. He stared up at Dean in shock. How could this be happening? Dean was only in his head!

"Am I, Sammy?", Dean whispered. He stood over his brother, panting hard. "Am I only in your head?" Dean crouched down next to Sam and grabbed his collar again, but with both hands this time, and jerked Sam's face close to his. Sam was too shocked to fight back or pull away. "I will beat you within an inch of your life before I let you kill yourself this way, little brother", Dean snarled under his breath. He pulled Sam up into a sitting position and slammed his back up against the front of the metal island.

"NO! You... you're not real!", Sam croaked. Dean chuckled in his face.

"Oh, I'm very real Sammy-boy!", Dean said, playfully slapping Sam's cheek. "As real as you are." In a moment Dean seemed to evaporate into a mist and float away. It was like a bad dream that he couldn't quite hold onto after waking up. Had that really happened? He felt his swollen cheek and saw the large dent in the metal island. Did he stumble and smack his face? Sam didn't know what was real anymore. He blinked tiredly, wanting desperately to just sleep. Sleep and not dream. It wasn't long before his need for sleep overrode his fear of the nightmares and he drifted off.

"I'm fading pretty... I'm fading pretty quick, so... there's a few things that I need you to hear", Dean whispered, reaching out for Sam. "Come here." Sam moved up closer to his brother and Dean laid his palm on the side of Sam's neck. "Let me look at you." Dean's blinked, trying to focus. "Yeah, there he is", Dean said with a weak smile. "I'm so proud of you, Sam." He put his hand on Sam's shoulder and Sam grabbed his wrist. "You know that? I've always looked up to you." Sam was doing his best to hold back the tears. To hold back the sobs threatening to pour out of his mouth.

"Man, when we were kids, you were so damn smar... smart. You never... You never took any of dad's crap. I never knew how you did that." Dean breathed. He was weakening quickly and it was getting harder and harder for him to breath. "And you're stronger than me. You always have been." Dean was trying hard to stay conscious for as long as he could. "Hey, did I ever tell you... Did I ever tell you that night that, uh... that I ca... That I came for you when you were at school? You know, when dad hadn't come back from his hunting trip?"

"Yeah, um.. Uh, the Woman in White", Sam whispered breathlessly. Sam knew he was losing his brother and he was desperately holding onto every word.

"The Woman in White. That's right. I must have stood outside your dorm for hours... because I didn't... I didn't know what... What you would say." Sam burst into tears and angry sobs roiled up his throat. " I thought you'd tell me to... to get lost or get dead. And I don't know what I would've done... if I didn't have you." Dean was getting so pale that he looked already dead. "Cause I was so scared. I was scared, 'cause when it all came down to it, it was always you and me. It's always been you... and me." Sam continued to cry as Dean held his face.

"Then don't leave me", Sam whined through his tears. "Don't leave me. I can't do this alone."

"Yes you can", Dean whispered.

"Well, I don't want to!", Sam sobbed back.

His sobs got so loud that they woke him up. Woke up to find himself still sitting on the kitchen floor, leaning up against the island. He felt something cold and wet and when he looked down, Miracle was nudging his hand with her nose. He reached out and scratched the top of her head and crawled into his lap before he could stop her. But, for once, he didn't mind the company. Sam grabbed around the neck and held her close to his chest and just as before, he buried his face in her soft fur, and let out all his grief and pain. Miracle whined as if she was grieving too. She did miss the short haired man that always treated her so kindly and loved to play fetch with her.

But now Sam felt something else besides grief. FEAR. Fear that he was losing his grip on reality. Fear that he was cursed. Fear that something was haunting the bunker. He had felt fear before, that was nothing new. But, for the first time, he was ALONE and afraid.

"I don't want to... to do this alone", Sam whispered into Miracle's side.

"Not alone..."