bawat piyesa

Prologue

bawat piyesa na bumubuo sa 'yo

Ely

Natatakot ako na baka hindi na talaga ako makahanap ng taong tunay na pahahalagahan at mamahalin ako.

When I was younger, I saw how awful my parents' relationship was. But that relationship was what I thought "love" normally was. My parents were only together because they had children to take care of. I knew they never wanted me and my siblings to grow up with a broken family—I appreciate the thought but it pains me more seeing them suffering to keep the "love" that has already died.

When I reached high school, I saw in books and movies how love really should be. It was the kind of love that is unconditional; you are ready to risk anything and everything for that love to last.

When October of 2022 came, I felt how love feels like. I felt how to love and be loved. It was a short experience, but I would pay any amount just to experience it once again.

Matheo Asher, he was my home and always will be. His absence in my life has left a void that cannot be filled. I will always wait for his return. I will always love him. I don't need love from anyone who isn't him. Kung hindi sya, wag nalang.

He was no longer mine but I have always been his. I will give anything and everything for him. He's the only one for me. He'll always be the one who will make me happy and contented.

He made me feel things that I had never felt from anyone before. He made me happy, unlike everyone who tried. But he also inflicted pain that I will never experience from anyone but him. I love him so much that it hurts.

I have always thought that it was my fault. It was my fault that we never had the happy ending that we wanted. It was my fault that we never lasted that long.

It was a selfish love. When we were together, the relationship was only about me, none about him. He would always try to understand me but I never wanted to be understood.

I never knew before how much he valued me. He wanted to stay but he also wanted to prioritize himself. He knew the love we shared was no longer serving him. He knew he was no longer happy about it.

I begged for him to stay. But he never saw the reason why he had to stay. He was everything to me while I was only someone from the past for him.

I have always wished that he'd understand why I love him unconditionally. My love for him will be endless. He can come back whenever he wants. He can ruin me anytime he wants.

I knew at the end of the day, I'd always come running back to him. And in a room full of guys I loved and probably will love, I'll come up to him and wave. Even in a room full of people I knew, he'd be the one I'd choose.

When we were together, it was a selfish love. But when we ended things, It became a selfless and one sided love.

If I had the chance to go back in time, I would want to feel his love once again. The comfort of his warmth that only he can make me feel.

I will always wait for him, I will always be a fool for him. I will always protect his name. Because he was there at my lowest. He chose to understand me when I pushed him away. He believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. He was my biggest cheerleader.

I don't know why some part of me still waits for him but I know, he'll be the only one to be able to fill this void in my heart.

I wish I stayed. I wish I realized it sooner. Please just come back. I don't want us to be like this. It hurts being far from your touch. I'll always call your name and hope that you'll look at me once again.

But one night, you sent me a message that ended the slightest hope I had.

"Hi, Ely.

To be honest, wala na talaga tayong pag-asa. Ayokong masaktan ka lalo. Naka move-on na talaga ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit gusto mo pa rin ako hanggang ngayon pero wala na talagang pag-asa na maging something pa uli tayo. Masaya na ako kung nasan ako ngayon, sana ikaw rin. Pasensya na, Ely."

When I saw that message, I felt nothing. I didn't cry, I only felt sad. Dissapointed, maybe?

Siguro'y ubos na ang aking mga luha. Nakakapagod rin pala. Nakakapagod ibagay lahat. Pero hindi ako mag sisisi na binigay ko lahat sa kanya.

Nakakahinayang oo, pero hindi ko alam bakit sa mga oras na paulit ulit kong binabasa ang sinabi nya, wala akong maramdaman na kahit ano.

I wanted you to stay pero hanggang dito nalang siguro. Mahal pa rin kita pero nakakapagod na. Naaawa na rin ako sa sarili ko.

Ang aking mga kanta, tula at storya ay palaging para sa 'yo. Ngunit aking ipapangako na ito na ang huling pagkakataon na aking babalikan ang ating kwento. Muli kong ilalahad sa librong ito ang ating nakaraan.

Alam kong sinubukan kong gawin ang lahat, at hindi ko pag sisisihan na binagay ko lahat. Ngunit akin lamang kailangan na tanggapin na hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay magkakaroon tayo ng masayang pagtatapos.

You know what's ironic? ako yung bumitaw pero ako ang nag pupumilit na ayusin lahat.
Bakit pa nga ba ako bumitaw?
Bakit pa nga ba ako lumisan at tuluyan kang iniwan?

It's hard to let go of something that meant so much to me. I can't help but feel like there's a piece missing without you in my life. Ikaw lang talaga yung bubuo sakin eh.

I know that you've moved on and that you don't feel the same way about me anymore. And as much as it hurts to say it, I understand and respect your decision.

Though I find myself yearning for your presence.

Maybe it was lack of communication, maybe it was the timing, maybe we just grew apart, or maybe it was just not meant to be. 

Hanggang sa muli, Ali.