Shadows And Light・A.H.・

The Good

We have never had a class on how to say no to men

while simultaneously never saying no to them. - Louise O'Neill

Growing up Tor had been raised to believe in fire and brimstone. Every couple of months or so when tithing went down with the grain prices, the minister would bring out his trusty "you're all going to hell" sermon to pad the church coffers. And every time Tor was in the front row, the last in a line of Underwoods, listening to every word with fear in her heart and a determination to be perfect.

But perfection was unattainable, especially for a little girl who just wanted everyone to like her. And eventually, she accepted that damnation was inevitable.

After she left home and refused to look back, the heat of the hellfire lessened. But Heaven still felt too far away. She tried going to church, but the sermons about unconditional love felt hollow after years of being told how unlovable she was. So she stopped attending Sunday sermons entirely, determined to find her own way through the world. If she was damned to hell, then there was no point in worrying about it.

But worry she did. The hole left behind by religion was soon filled with a new belief system: that the universe demanded balance. For every bad thing in the world, there was something good, and vice versa. Even if Tor could not see what the balancing force was, she knew it was there. Because bad things eventually ended when something good came around. And the good things never lasted longer than the bad.

So Tor lived her life waiting for it all to change. When she was trapped in the shadows she tried to remember the time in the light she was repaying the universe for. And when she managed to pull off a prolonged amount of time in the light, she watched the shadows stretch ever closer, knowing that she would have to go back eventually.

She had been in the light for too long now. She had expected her realization of her feelings for Hotch to be the thing that pulled her back into a state of darkness, but it wasn't. It had been over a month since that first snowfall sealed her fate, and she waited for it to come with trepidation. But in the weeks following it and the holiday party she found herself still in the light. And while the shadows crept towards her, she couldn't help but wonder how long she would have to stay in the darkness to repay the universe for these precious days.

She knew the price for the holiday party would be steep. Because not only had she violated boundaries one and two in rapid succession, but she had done nothing to go back to her side of the line after he kissed her cheek.

For him, it had been a simple gesture between friends.

But for her, it had meant far too close to everything.

The warnings of damnation echoed in her ear as if that old Baptist was still thundering them from his pulpit. Hellfire felt close, but under the mistletoe, Heaven had felt closer. And though she knew masquerading as someone who belonged in the light for too long would leave her burned and broken, she wondered if she could finally be perfect for him.

So she tried to be perfect. Like the little girl who had spent hours practicing her smile in the mirror, she practiced being sweet. She framed every picture Jack gave her until her desk rivaled Garcia's for most decorated in the office. Every night from Monday to Thursday she went up to his office at five thirty, carrying her empty travel cup and ready to work. And they worked for hours, only speaking when one of them needed advice on how to phrase something. Or to show the other an especially entertaining write-up from their teammates.

Tor knew that clearing the backlog once and for all would also rid her of her pretense for spending so many hours with Hotch. But she continued to work with perfect dedication, never giving him a reason to doubt her. When their time together ended and she returned to the darkness she would be able to take the memories of him with her. And that would have to be enough.