His secret

Chapter 34

I can't believe it, he has ripped av several pages. I noticed that when I went back up to my room to finish reading despite the late hour. All I know right now is that there are years worth of pages missing because the next chapter begins with my name and I meet him when he was 18.

Dear Nova,

That's how I want to start from now on, or that's what I think right now. We meet just about half a year ago and I'm surprised you stuck around that long. I tried my hardest to get rid of you by rejecting your many calls and text messages (which made me regret giving you my number for emergency purposes only), I treated you rudely and I even kicked you out every time you came by during the first month. It felt useless to do so a while later because you just wouldn't give up so I gave up instead and let you hang around, babbling about your schooldays while I worked. To be completely honest I didn't hear half of what you said but if you noticed it you didn't bother to show that you cared and just kept going.

You were just a childish girl for me back then, one that had a phase and would get over it eventually so I didn't give you much importance, or that's what I thought at least. I wasn't aware my leaving the work in my hands to focus on your many facial expressions while you talked about your annoying teachers, the disgusting school lunch you ate and how you starved after that or the boy that had a crush on you and you were trying to reject him without being rude and the endless list of your topics of discussion. I wasn't aware of that until you stopped coming by.

I found myself glaring at the door waiting for the bell to ring at any moment for a whole week during your absence. It was a strange feeling, a feeling of emptiness. You made me miss you, the first thing I would miss after my father's death. And then I would hope for you to come back every day, hoping that I didn't achieve my goal of driving you away, and then you came. I don't know if you noticed my stupid grin of relief and happiness when I opened the door the second you knocked, but if you did you didn't show it at least instead you apologized for your absence and explained that you were sick. Then you complained for what felt like a whole hour about being sick but that didn't bother me, I just sat there absorbing your energy that I had missed tons.

I couldn't understand those feelings right away but giving it a thought I think it's because you're the first person that made me feel calm again, mostly because all of your babbling didn't leave any room for my disturbing thoughts. My brain could go on a break whenever I'm whit you. And I think that's partly why I'm dedicating these letters to you. I also want to think that you wouldn't judge me if you read these letters, you just don't seem to be that kind of judging person so it's easier to write with that thought.

Miles

My heart skips a beat while I grin at the words in front of me. His description and side of our relationship, in the beginning, is something I didn't know I needed. And to know that he felt safe enough to dedicate his diary letters to me is just a whole other happiness by itself, maybe I didn't fail him after all. But why did he leave me then? If my short absence made him feel that way and he really liked my bare company then how was it so easy for him to leave me like that, and not on just any night but on our wedding night?

My smile fades with my realization of what my reality looked like right now. I throw the notebook to the other side of the room in annoyance as I lay down on the side and let the thought sink in. If he felt like writing letters to me where he talked about his personal life and feelings, was it then that hard to just tell me in person? Isn't it the same thing if he while writing those letters imaged me reading them one day?

Now I'm very annoyed. Annoyed because we could have avoided all of this. Annoyed because he couldn't handle things just and left me like that. Annoyed because I couldn't handle things. But mostly annoyed because I still miss him. And there they are again, tears streaming down my cheeks for what feels like the millionth time for the stupid, annoying man that had the heart to leave me and tell me to move on in a text message to his best friend.