arrows

chapter one - i think

The day i decided to die, was the day you loved me.

"I'm going to marry her" I promised myself. It seemed like a simple promise at the time. Easy to achieve. Something I wanted.
Something she wanted.

"I'm happy" I told myself.
I thought if I kept telling myself, it would come true.
Did it?
I'll never know.

I think.

❀

"Is it worth it?"
"Worth what?"
"To be a prince."
"I think so."
"You think?"
"The world is indefinite. You're never really able to know exactly."
"You would rather be a commoner then?"
"No."
"So which is it? Prince or commoner?"
"Loved."
"What do you mean sir?"
"I want to be loved."

What does it mean to be loved? I'm not quite sure. I've never loved someone. I think. And no one has ever loved me.
I think.
I've been praised, but never loved.
I think.

❀

It was dinner. Everyone sat with someone else. But not me. I was a wallflower. An observer. A watcher.
I sat and watched as 3 boys threw mashed potatoes at one another; I sat and watched a group of girls obsessing over him. As they praised him, I felt an aching pain in my throat. Was I jealous?
I couldn't be. He's not special to me. I barely know him; yet I still felt as if my heart had bursted out of my chest and was helplessly gushing its blood everywhere. Absorbing those girls in its red pool of death.
He looked at me. My face went red.
I quickly looked away. In doing so, my arm hit the tray, flinging my food across the room. Imbecile.
I crouched down to pick up the mess I had made. My face red and hot in embarrassment. Suddenly someone else began to swipe up the spilt food. I looked up.
There he was.
Eros.
"Are you alright?"
I froze. His eyes locked with mine.
Why do I have to be such a clutz.
"Eros. Pleased to meet you." His hand reached out for mine; positioned for a hand shake. I grabbed his hand and shook it. It felt so- in place. Almost as if my hand was longing to be in his.
I sat there. Painstakingly awkward.
Staring at him as he wiped the stew off of my pants. I noticed how the muscle in his arm flexed perfectly as they moved.
"Are you alright?" I stared at him. Not knowing what to say I stood up.
"I think. Thank you."
I walked away.
Thank you!? I practically treated him like a service.

❀

"Adonis right?"