5sos one shots

By My Side - Lashton

Luke's POV

Trigger warning!
self harm, suicidal thoughts, eating problems, mentions of abuse

(Set in 2017)

Let's just be honest, it's been a few pretty crap years

Firstly, the band took a break. Yes, we've been touring loads, we were really tired and needed the break, but honestly, touring was the only thing keeping my mind off of everything.

Then, Arzaylea happened. No wait, that sounds mean. Arzaylea was one of the best things to happen to me, in the beginning. She was my everything, my world, I loved her so much, until she took my heart and ripped it into a thousand tiny little pieces. I guess after all that happened, was when my 'problems' really started to appear.

I wouldn't eat, wouldn't leave the house -or even my bed-, I wouldn't see anyone, text anyone. I completely closed off. Then the self hatred started. I hated myself for letting her do that to me. I hated myself for being weak, not being strong enough to leave her before it got worse. I hated her, but the hate towards myself was unmatched. And quite often, with self hatred, comes the want, the need, to harm yourself. It's like the mental pain your mind is giving you isn't enough, so you take it upon yourself to give yourself physical pain as well.

I'm not quite sure when it started, maybe October 2017? It was late night, I was just sat on my bed looking at the slowly healing scars that were left on my arms from Arzaylea's cigarettes, and it felt as though my arms and wrists were calling, screaming, for it. To feel something sharp drag across my pale skin, turning the surface red with each slash of the blade. I didn't know why I was feeling these things, I'd never had these thoughts before, and in all honesty, it scared me. But not enough to stop me from getting up and going into the bathroom. I finally managed to remove the blade from my spare razor, and I wasted no time in making the first cut.

The blood immediately ran down my arm, spuring me on to do more. Ten cuts later, it was safe to say I'd got into an addiction I wouldn't be able to get out of any time soon.

Another problem with self hatred, is that not only do you hate yourself for past mistakes you've made, but you also hate yourself for how you look. Everytime I looked in the mirror I began to see things I'd never noticed before, tiny little flaws no one else would notice. But now I did, and I knew I needed to change them.

I saw all my flaws, overweight, ugly, stupid hair, horrible eye-colour, childish lip-ring, disgusting clothes, I saw everything. Arzaylea's, and just online critics, words were running through my mind, 'worthless' 'disgusting' 'fat' 'ugly' so many horrible words that I couldn't get rid of no matter how hard I tried.

Everytime I looked in the mirror I seemed to get uglier, fatter. So I started to skip breakfast. One meal wouldnt hurt, and it'll help me lose weight a little faster. I replaced breakfast with the gym, spending two hours most mornings in the gym trying to lose some weight. When I didn't notice any changes, I started to skip lunch too. Surely working out and skipping two meals would be enough, right? Come December I still hadn't noticed changes, I was still fat, still disgusting. Still the same man Arzaylea could never love. The man she cheated on, and abused, mentally and physically.

By January food was a fear. I avoided social events that would involve food, stopped going into shops unless it was completely necessary, so I didn't get tempted to buy food. I was hungry constantly, my stomach cramping all the time. I was in so much pain, my stomach, my wrists, and now my thighs, were all in absolutely agony. But still I didn't notice any differences. Everytime I looked in the mirror I was still the ugly, fat, disgusting little boy who doesnt deserve to live.