Demoralized

Chapter 19

It has been three days since Harry had another one of his bizarre and abnormal meltdowns. I haven't heard from him, and I haven't made an attempt to talk to him either. Grayson has called and texted me numerous times, calling me names due to the fact that I "ditched" him at the bowling alley. He claims that he sincerely cared about me, and that he can't believe I would just leave. I laugh it off, however, thinking the situation is quite humorous because he was the one who left me for some alone time with Bambi.

Aside from Grayson, my mind will not think of anything else but Harry. Harry's uncontrolled outbursts makes me slightly exasperated, since he won't bother to tell me anything. It's hard to gather sympathy and solicitude for him, since they are quickly running out. However, I still find a small bit of patience and strength to not be angered by his lack of communication. Since he keeps declining his opportunities to give me answers, I can't help but assume that whatever he is going through must be pretty bad.

I need answers to everything, though. Why does he have outbursts, that makes me feel scared that he will hurt me? Why isn't he close to his mom? Why does everyone at school physically step away from him to increase the space between them? Why is everything about him so off?

As I piece each question together, it becomes slightly obvious that he has done something. Something probably bad. But, I'm way too scared to confront him about it. He's made it crystal clear that he is not afraid to yell at me, hurt my feelings, or anything for that matter. It's not healthy to be afraid of him, but the adoration of him is much higher than the fear I have of him.

But then again, putting all negative thoughts aside, I can't help but think about the good about him. I look up to him. Despite all of the hardships he has come across, nothing stops him from making others happy. He puts others first, which is something I struggle to do.

It's hard to feel sympathy for someone, when you have no idea what happened to them, or what they potentially did. But, with Harry, for some odd reason, I've never been more sympathetic towards someone before. Although it becomes increasingly harder to feel sympathy for him, I remind myself that I really don't know him, and maybe his situation is worse than I thought. Yes, it's tiring that he refuses to talk. But, on some level I understand. After feeling alone for such a long time, it's hard to want to reach out and tell people about yourself. In my situation, I was scared. Is he scared of what I would think of him? Is he scared I'll leave? Or be afraid of him?

There's no possible way to know.

Underneath his scary, intimidating exterior, is a soft side. He shows his emotions- sometimes in extremes, he says things I would never have the courage to say, he isn't afraid to tell others what they think about him.

That's why I'm attracted to him. Within the last few days, I've felt trapped in my own mind and have become almost obsessed with the thought of him, desperately wanting him to pay all of his attention to me all the time. It sounds selfish, but it's true.

He doesn't understand his importance to me. How much I care for him and need him. But, obviously, it's because I haven't told him.

Debating for a few minutes on whether or not I should go and see him, I come to my final conclusion and head out to my car.

I plan in my head what I am going to tell him. First, I need to tell him how I feel. Actually, no, I need to demand answers. I need an apology for his sour behavior the other night. And I need to find a sense of closure from him, instead of leaving questions unanswered.

I start to feel anxiety and nervousness growing in my stomach each second that goes by. I shouldn't be nervous, he made it clear what his feelings and intentions are.