LOVE TO HATE ME | JENLISA

Chapter 7

Jennie

My father didn't want to give my grandpa a traditional Korean funeral like I knew he wanted. He deemed it odd that we had to mourn for thirty days and that we had to keep my grandpa's body in the house for a week, even though he had passed. My father didn't believe in old Korean traditions, where after someone dies, the corpse will be washed in incense water and dressed in burial clothing. He does not even believe in the plugging of cotton in the ears and nose of the deceased and placing coins over the eyes. He even refused to fill three spoonful of rice in my late grandpa's mouth, where every spoonful wishes the deceased an afterlife of plenty.

My father told me it was silly superstitions, but I knew my grandpa would be disappointed knowing that his son didn't respect and honour his wishes. My father thought it was ridiculous and insisted that we do it the American way. He didn't even allow me to light a candle in honour of my grandpa, but I didn't have the energy and patience to fight with my father. I never did.

My father and I weren't very close. He worked too much and was never home, probably the main reason why my mother left him for some younger guy back in New Zealand. I spent most of my childhood hanging out with my grandpa, and even as I grew up, I still loved sitting alongside him, as he told me old stories or sang me songs in Korean.

If I close my eyes, I could still hear his gravelly voice as he sang 'Arirang', his hands moving around in dramatic gestures. Sometimes he'd grab my hand and lead me into a dance around the living room, twirling me around like I was a princess. The house without him felt empty, not lacking people, but lacking soul, of life, of joy. I never minded being home since he was always with me, but now I hated the house more than I hated anything.

Everything reminded me of my grandpa, and it hurt to remember; it hurt to think about him. I cried too much, more than I cried when my mother left my father. I cried to the point where it had me questioning when my tears were going to run out. My heart felt like it was barely beating as if realising its soulmate had passed.

My father returned to work the second after putting my grandpa into the ground, muttering about how much time and money he has lost and wasted during our entire ride home. I bit back a million retorts because I was too busy, lost in my grief. I knew I would have to mourn my grandpa all on my own, and as much as it fucking ached, I had no choice.

'Everyone mourns differently.'

Lisa's words came to mind, and it was the only thing that had me not wanting to throttle my father. Maybe this is how he was mourning his father. Maybe I couldn't understand the level of his sadness, his pain, because everyone mourns differently. Lisa came to mind a few times since we buried my grandpa yesterday, I mean I know Lisa and I were far from friends, yet I think I actually missed her.

I missed fighting with her. I missed seeing her. It was a weird kind of missing. I've never missed someone that I wasn't close with before. I don't think I've ever even missed my mother. Of course, it didn't help that she cheated on my father, forever ruining the relationship we could have had, but even then.

I don't think I was close to anyone besides my grandpa, and now that he was gone, I felt even more alone than ever. Who would I sit on the patio swing with and drink tea with? Who would brush my hair every night before kissing me on the forehead? Who would make me laugh? Keep me sane? My father definitely wouldn't be doing anything, mourning or not, he didn't really enjoy spending any time with me.

A knock on the door pulled me away from my depressing thoughts, and I reluctantly crawled out of bed and down the stairs. The wooden stairs creaked with every step I took until I reached the front door. I swung it open, surprised to see Lisa standing on the other side in jeans and a black band tee shirt, holding flowers in her hand, with her backpack swung on her shoulder.

"Aedoui tteus-eul pyohabnida." She spoke, in choppy Korean, "Is that right? I saw on Reddit that it means 'I'm sorry for your loss.'" She shuffled on her feet awkwardly.

"It's right." I nodded my head, reaching to take the flowers as I ushered her inside the house. I walked past the living room and towards the kitchen. I placed the flowers into the vase and set them on the kitchen table.

"They're beautiful." I spoke, turning around.

She stood in the middle of my kitchen, her hands on her sides as she looked over to me, "I was going to call you, but I didn't know the right process. Everyone online said something different than the other, and I didn't want to offend you or your culture."

I gave her a soft smile. "You didn't offend me. Thank you for the flowers."

"You're welcome."

"Would you like something to drink?" I offered.

"Class is boring without you." She blurted out.

"Yeah?" I murmured, surprised at her sudden words.

"Hell yeah, there's no one to fight with."

I rolled my eyes, "I can fight with you right now, idiot."

"I even missed you calling me that."

"Idiot." I repeated, this time my smile widening as I saw her throw her head back to laugh.

She leaned against the counter, her hands nervously tugging the black straps of her school bag, "I spoke to Mrs. Lee about our assignment, and she told me to forgo the presentation and just submit the essay."

"She emailed me yesterday. She told me to send her what I had and that she'd grade me just like that. Obviously, I told her no because my rough draft isn't good enough to be submitted, and I still want to put my all into the essay."

"I told her the same thing but about our presentation, I told her I'd finish it and even present it to the class if she still wanted me to."

"If you have your stuff, we can work on the PowerPoint, if you want?" I asked.

"I don't want to bother you."

"You won't. Honestly, I need a distraction."

"Jennie."

"C'mon, Lisa, I won't bite. I'll help you finish it. I won't have you parading a PowerPoint with half of my good work and the rest with your crap. They'll think I'm an idiot."

"When you put it like that...." She teased as she followed me up the stairs and into my room.